Darthcueball's Brain Dump

Take Off the Dunce Cap, Boo!

2012-01-30T22:29:00.001-05:00

If you've been on my Facebook or followed me on Twitter lately, you'll see me randomly congratulate myself on passing random classes. No, I'm not being my normal insane self. I decided last fall that I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in Business Management/Human Resources. By doing this, I can better myself AND give myself more options as far as my employment goes. I did research and learned that my company would pay for my tuition IN FULL as long as the course was business related.

Why am I saying this?

Well, I wanted to help those of you who may be thinking about going back to school, but you think that you're either too old OR you're concerned about online colleges being scams. I haven't been in school for 10 years. When I was about 3/4 completed with my Criminal Justice degree, I became ill with ulcerative colitis. Once I recovered from that, I got married and had kids, so I had to work full time. I wasn't able to go back and finish. Eventually, I became frustrated with myself because I didn't want to be 40 and still working in a retail environment - regardless of how well it pays. SO, with encouragement from Bobby, I started looking into online schools. I found Western Governor's University and enrolled. I chose Business/Human Resources as my degree and fortunately, almost all of my previous classes transferred over. After only a couple of months, I was able to knock out 5 full time courses! At this rate, I should be finished by the end of this year. With my degree, I should be able to find employment with any company I choose!

But enough about me; if you've had the thought of going back to school, even for a moment - DO IT! Check with your employer to see if they offer any type of tuition assistance programs and find an approved school. If you're not employed, check with the college of your choice to see if they offer any type of financial aid. Whatever it takes to do it - - DO IT! Sure it will be hard work, but in the end, you'll be SO much happier with your life and yourself.

BTW - Western Governor's University allows you to work at your own pace, so if you can really focus, you can do an entire year's worth of classes in half the time. I highly recommend it!

And now back to your regularly scheduled insanity!

Location:Pittsburgh, PA

In case you didn't know...

2012-01-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

Do this for me: close your eyes and think of the last time that I asked you who you slept with or kissed or held hands with. Can't think of it, can you? You know why?

Because I don't give a shit.

I don't care what or who you do in your private time. Aside from a few of you, I don't even want to think of what you look like naked. So, why in the hell are so many people concerned with my sexuality? Is it truly - TRULY - any of your concern? Nope. I am a 36 year old man. No one makes me do anything that I don't want to do. Surely you guys have learned this by now. If the person that I'm with doesn't meet your "standards" or "beliefs" then fuck off. I don't recall asking for your opinion. In fact, if you'd spend all that time worrying about your own lackluster, dismal little lives that you spend worrying about who I'm kissing, you'd probably be a better person. There are so many far more important matters out there to concern yourself with. Starving children, battered spouses, drugs, animal cruelty, stopping Nickelback from reaching #1 on the Billboard charts - - choose ANY of those and don't worry about me. I don't need your advice or counsel.

I shouldn't have to hide for fear of what people might think. My family shouldn't have to feel embarrassed or OBLIGATED to explain anything to you because I'm gay. You know what - I've always been this way. I hid it because I had always been taught that I was going to hell. I lied to myself, my family and my ex-wife...not out of malevolence, but because I didn't want them to be embarrassed. Did you know that there are people out there who would judge my FAMILY because of what *I* do? How insane is that? Who the hell are these people to judge ANYONE? You wanna know the definition of hypocrite? Everyone out there who loved me when I was in the church? Yep, I was gay. I remember people used to hug me and say I was the most awesome person ever and that they wished that they could be like me. As creepy as that was - now that some people know that I'm with Bobby and they shun me? HYPOCRITE. I am the EXACT same person I was then. I act the same, speak the same, laugh the same, joke the same, have fun the same way. It's YOU who's acting different. If you want to pass judgement, go back and read the Bible and then look at yourself in the mirror. There's your guilty party. I'll work things out with Jesus. You mind your own damn business.

Accept me or kiss my ass. I honestly truly don't care. But don't you fucking dare judge my family or make comments to or about my parents, sisters, my children OR Bobby. My parents gave practically everything they had to change the diapers of a bunch of whiny adults for my entire life. My parents are older now and it breaks my heart when I look at them and realize that they would've been SO much better off if they'd never even been involved with the bunch of vipers. If you have any comments or questions that you feel like directing to or about me - ask ME. Leave my parents, sisters, kids and Bobby out of it.

The only reason I've never come right out and said anything is because I didn't want to bring shame to my family. Then I thought about it. Why would I care about the opinions of a bunch of trash? If you can't respect me as a person, then why would I care what you think? WHO ARE YOU? You're nothing. Just like me, when you are dead and gone, no one will remember you or even care what you had to say.

I am a good person. I act goofy on Facebook, but I'm truly not an asshole. I'm a caring, sincere person and I promise you'll never have a more committed friend. HOWEVER, I am so sick of being told that I shouldn't let others know about me and Bobby. I think it's pretty obvious. Bobby is an amazing person. He is a nicer person that ANYONE that I knew the entire time that I was in with the church people. He takes care of Jacob. He takes care of me. There's not an evil bone in his body. Jacob loves him, and in fact spends more time with him than anyone else on the planet. Jacob is an amazing, intelligent boy - and SHOCKER: he likes girls. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

If my 16-year old daughter can respect a situation, then I expect ADULTS to do the same.

My life is good. I moved away from WV thinking that I'd be able to be myself and enjoy my life, and the gossip and "shame" followed me. Well, I'm just being upfront about it today, because I'm tired of it. My parents won't like that I'm announcing it to the world, but it's time it happened. They will learn to deal with it and they will love me nonetheless.

It's a shame that I've had to live like this for almost 37 years because of Christians - people who are supposed to be loving. You're not loving. You're judgmental, pious, arrogant, obnoxious, delusional, hypocritical, rude, lying, backstabbing scum. It's not that the sinners of earth don't want to accept Jesus - it's that the sinners of the earth don't want to act like you.

And before some of you start leaving passive-aggressive comments on my blog or Facebook, I'm aware that not everyone judges me and whatnot - but it feels that way. Some of you have been awesome and I truly TRULY appreciate it. Those of you who are Christians who have continued to be nice to me after figuring out the obvious - please give lessons to the other 95% of churchgoers who think that Jesus has appointed them as general manager of the universe.

I'm out.

Happy anniversary to me livin' in the Burgh,

2011-08-04T03:23:00.001-04:00

I apologize that I've only blogged like 3 times in the past year, but I've been very busy! This week marks the one year anniversary that we moved to Pittsburgh, and we have had a great time! I've done well at work, Bobby is finishing his classes, and Jacob is doing great in school and has met many new friends!

Nothing that I really want to blog about right now. I'm just test blogging on my iPad to see how it works. Holy crap, I love this thing!

THAT'S ENOUGH, BETTY WHITE!!!!!

2011-07-09T16:27:00.002-04:00

Remember visiting your grandparents when you were younger? Remember how (at first) it was cute when your grandmother babied you and kept asking you silly questions? Remember how after about 20 minutes that got old? Remember how you pictured yourself choking your grandmother so she'd shut the hell up? No? Just me?

Well, over the past few months, I'm starting to picture myself choking out Betty White. Once beloved for her portrayal as the not-too-bright Rose on The Golden Girls, she has since morphed into this media-herpes that just won't go away. I do not need to see her on everything. Yes, it was cute at first, but now I'm silently praying that she kicks the bucket so that she won't make anymore cameos on random shows and/or movies.

Now before you start yelling at me and sending me nasty emails, I will admit that she is a great comedian. She's made me laugh several times over the years. She even did a great job in the terrible cinematic turd from the 90's known as "Hard Rain" where she was packing heat while wearing a rain coat in a canoe.

You tell her, Wilford Brimley clone!

All of her contributions, however, do not give her a license to behave the way she has been lately.

And don't think she knows exactly what she's doing. Remember when she appeared on the Mother's Day episode of SNL? Everyone was like "Awww, she's SO adorable and frail!" Then moments later she was making perverted jokes about her dried out vagina. It was at that moment that Betty White jumped the shark. No more was she innocent and moronic Rose from the Golden Girls. No, at that moment she became this evil empress who made her move to take over the world. She had us right where she wanted us, and she made her move to get her face out there as much as possible to fatten up her pockets.

Why is she making all of these annoying cameos? It's not like she needs the money! I'm sure she has millions from her past roles. Even if she squandered all of her saving, the bitch is like 95 years old! She won't be around much longer, so why is she still working? She was even in a recent Snickers commercial. Are you kidding me?! COME ON!

People say that they are sick of seeing Lady Gaga plastered all over the place, but you know who is the TRUE media whore? Betty White. You know who is being ENTIRELY too overexposed? Betty White. She's in commercials. She makes cameos on TV shows. She has a character on some shitty show that airs on TV Land. She's in some chick flick movie. And in every situation, she's playing the same damn part. The ditzy yet total slutty whore old woman.

I'm calling you out, Betty White, you dried up skank! Stop making your damn movies and TV shows! Stop selling your fake-ass smile in commercials! STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!!

There's a reason why she's the last surviving cast member of The Golden Girls. She sold her soul to the devil, that's why!

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We get it, Ms. White. We get that you're able to make us smirk while you make perv jokes. Your work here is done. Move along.

Bitch.

THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!!

2011-07-09T16:23:00.000-04:00

(imported from another blog that I worked on, but then became bored with):

Way back in 1956, a little game show by the name of "The Price is Right" hit the airwaves. Each day, four contestants would bid on mediocre items, and the winner got the chance to win yet another prize in a single player game. Then, the two contestants who won the "Big Wheel" round went into a bid war in the showcase showdown, where one person won several prizes.

Fast forward to modern times and you can see the exact same show. THE EXACT SAME SHOW!!! That's not exactly bad if not for the fact that the show never changed with the times. In an era where someone can win a million dollars by picking a cheap suitcase with a number on it, it seems pretty lame to crown a winner for your show when they only win like $10,000 worth of crap like a barbecue pit, a frilly apron, and a trip to Montana for a cow tipping free-for-all (no spending cash included).

What makes this show so popular? And why do the people act like total idiots when they are winning tens of dollars in prizes and groceries? I swear to God, I saw one fat lady almost pass out because she won a patio table and umbrella by guessing the correct price of Brillo pads. Really, lady? You need to act like you just met Jesus Christ in person because you won a patio table on TV? Have you no shame?

To make matters worse, the show that made Bob Barker a household name and icon now showcases a bulimic Drew Carey. I don't know if he's on a great diet or if he has stomach cancer, but either way, he needs to get off my damn TV. (Bonus note: have you noticed that the women never want to kiss on Drew, or reach into his pocket to get an eye-popping $100 for guessing the correct price of a collection of oven mitts?)

The show is a great concept: FOR 1956! Come on, people! Let's get modern!

The contestants aren't that bright either. The extent of their skills seems to be that of writing incohesive sayings on cheap Walmart t-shirts in a desperate attempt to have their name called for their chance to win a styrofoam cooler and a single tennis racket. Once they actually bumble their way past the "bidding round", they are unleashed upon the main stage where they either freak out or choke while playing a random game. Here's a video of the dumbest contestant ever:

What a dumb bitch.

Oh, and the games are always stupid too. It will be shit like "Here are 3 different sized flip flops. Using these Post-It notes numbered 1, 2 and 3, arrannge the flip flops in order of cost highest to lowest." Then the contestant screws it up and it plays that lovely sound that I hum to this day when someone screws up:

Hear that? That's The Price is Right's way of saying "Eff you, you didn't win our Snuggie!"

As big of a shitfest as the show is, it still has given us many pop culture references. I guess I'll give it credit for that. The Matterhorn song, the Hole In One game, and PLINKO!!! Oh my God, I love PLINKO! I would actually make a ghetto t-shirt, write "I HEART DREW" on it, and bid on a waffle iron for a chance to play PLINKO! Of course, the most you can win in any single game on The Price is Right is like $35 dollars, but I digress.

Oh, and this woman's tit flopped out:

For the love of God, America! When a show is on the air for like 400 years, and they are still offering the same prizes as they did when it started, something is wrong. I guess the army of seniors who sit at home and watch this shit while drinking prune juice and being confused by playing Wii Bowling really do make the difference. Game show icons like "Deal or No Deal" blasted on the scene, and then were canceled.

Maybe that's why the damn show is still on? Deal or No Deal gave away thousands in dollars every day. The Price is Right's prize budget is $140 per day tops. At that rate, and with the producers sucking at the tit of Walmart, this show ain't going anywhere.

I'm sick of this show. Sure I used to jump up and down like an idiot when I would watch it at the age of 6, but even then, I knew to stop cheering when someone won a box of cereal. I could just go to my kitchen and see that.

Also, I always wanted the Big Wheel to break from it's lodging and roll across the stage, into the audience, where all hell would break loose.

It never happens. ...but Family Guy stole that idea and used it in one of its episodes.

Go to hell, Family Guy. Oh, and Price is Right!

New Life in the 'Burgh

2010-09-19T11:17:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! It's been a long while since I posted anything of importance.

Come to think of it, have I ever posted anything of importance?

.....

Anyway, now that I've had the chance to sit down for a few moments, I thought I'd share about my move to Pittsburgh! We've been here for 2 months now, and we are still finding new things each and every day!

First and foremost, big shout out to my ex-wife, Julie, for allowing me the opportunity to actually move. Jacob is having a blast here, and he's already made several new friends and joined many activities, but more on that later.

The move itself was bittersweet. I had gone to my parents' house for a get-together the night before, and coming back from that emotional roller coaster to see everything we own packed up in boxes was a bit much. Bobby entertained Kristen and Jacob while I went upstairs, fell to my knees and just stared at everything. Then I cried. Yeah, yeah - I know - hard to believe someone as amazingly macho and manly as myself crying, but I did. I second-guessed myself if this was the right thing to do. Was I running away from family? People I knew there? Was this just some insane impulse thing I was doing?

I had to get those thoughts out of my head, so I did - in the form of tears. Oh, and I was listening to "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow on my iPod. I swear to God, all you needed was a TV camera and a cameo by Miley Cyrus, and you would've had some cheesy Disney "moving away" movie.

After I went through that little ordeal, I went to sleep.

The next day, my buds Crystal (henceforth referred to as Creestal) and Donald came over to help us move. We were able to cram everything I own into a medium sized UHaul, and two cars in less than 90 minutes. I don't know if I was happy or bummed that I don't own that much stuff because most of my money goes to Arby's. Hmmm...

Anyway, we were on our way! The trip took around 4 hours. Once we arrived, we moved everything in through TERRIBLE HEAT! It was easily 400 degrees. No lie. Literally 400 degrees.

Okay, maybe that's a small lie, but it WAS really hot! Creestal almost passed out on me!

After moving everything into the new place, we rested for a bit and then went out for dinner with Creestal and Donald at The Cheesecake Factory. If you've never been, go. You will love yourself for it.

Again - the dinner was bittersweet because Creestal and Donald weren't just my friends. They had become symbolic for West Virginia. The next morning, they helped me drop off the UHaul, then I hugged them good-bye, and off they went. That was it. West Virginia was D-U-N, and I was officially a citizen of Pennsylvania.

Wow.

If you've known me at all, then you know that I've wanted to move away from WV ever since I was a kid. I remember trying to talk my parents into moving to a big city when I was little. I remember trying to move to Charlotte, NC with some friends after I graduated. I remember trying to get my ex to move to Myrtle Beach, SC while I worked with Alltel. I've wanted to move to Brooklyn since 2007.

I was never able to leave because of family ties.

I finally had to make the decision that I wanted to do something different with my life.

AND I AM GLAD I DID!

I love my new job! It's so busy there that I've still not had any deep conversations, but I really like everyone that I work with. The store is CHAOTIC, and I get antsy going in each day, but at the end of the day, I'm glad that I have my job.

I love the city! If I could, I'd go to Mt. Washington every single night and just stare at the city. It's not the biggest city in the world, but just knowing that I'm in a big city with lots to do and see - - well, it makes me happy.

I love the crowded streets! Usually, I'm ready to murder slow drivers/walkers, but here, it's a city atmosphere, and its just great. GET THIS - you all know how much I freaking HATE people from Ohio, right? Well, I don't even get mad at the Ohio drivers who wander into the city.

WHAT HAS THIS PLACE DONE TO ME?!

I love that we are walking distance to practically everything we need! Need a gallon of milk at 4am? No problem! Just walk across the street to the market. Want a steak at 4am? Thirsty's is open! We also have a general store, a barber, a dentist and a vision center all within walking distance. The only place that I HAVE to drive is work, and it's only like 10 minutes away.

Jacob loves his school. I'll be honest, THE thing that I was most nervous about was Jacob fitting in at the new school. I didn't want him to be bullied because of his accent, or for being the new kid. But you know what? He's not! He was accepted instantly, and came off the bus on his first day of school with a huge smile. He said "I LOVE THAT SCHOOL!". I swear to God, he has learned more in one month at that school than he did the entire school year at Anne Bailey last year. He's doing daily experiments with electricity and science. He's working on Social Studies reports. He's learning to write short papers already. It's a GREAT school!

All in all, I'm glad I did it.

It was scary as hell, and it's by FAR the biggest thing I've ever done. We are happy. I love it. Jacob loves it. Bobby loves it.

Kudos to us for making the move, and kudos to everyone back in WV for allowing us.

wow.

2010-08-12T19:33:00.002-04:00

Not a full post, but im blogging this on my droid while standing in line at Sakkios. i love technology.

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Ricardo's Farewell Tour...

2010-07-26T23:08:00.000-04:00

We interrupt your guide to modern music for this breaking news:

Well, my friends, this is it.

After weeks and weeks of planning and working hard to finalize everything, the time has come: I'M MOVING!!!!

Yes, 48 hours from now, I will be a resident of Pittsburgh, and will start a new chapter in my life that hopefully is more exciting that all the previous chapters. BUT - before I head out, I wanted to do a farewell tour of my hometown in order to document some memories! Let's walk together through my memories shall we? Please do not look behind any closed doors. God only knows what you'd find there.

The Community Chapel Church House (1977 - 1983):

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This wasn't the first house that I ever lived in, but it's the first house that I have memories of. These memories include:

* Going into my sister, Gayle's, bedroom and hearing Air Supply BLASTING from her record player. I looked out her window to see her twirling her baton on the church parking lot.

* My sister, Sandy, always fighting with me (we shared a room) and then being nice to me when she wanted a turn playing Atari 2600.

* My mom babysitting several different kids, and I hated when they would touch my toys - especially my Star Wars collection.

* We had a small 12" black and white TV in our room, with rabbit ears, and we only got 3 channels (ah, the days before cable).

* I was playing on the parking lot in a small batch of sand, when this idiot came flying around the corner of the church in a car and almost hit me. My mom almost lost it!

* My very first day of school! I remember being scared.

* My dad had an organ with several different colored switches that changed the sound. He used to play music on it in the old living room and I would be in awe that he knew how to play it.

* By watching Sesame Street and The Electric Company, I taught myself how to read when I had just turned three. I remember sitting on my dad's lap and reading from the King James Bible as they laughed because I didn't read down the page, I read straight across both pages. lol

POINT HARMONY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL:

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I have vivid memories of my childhood. I like to remember everything (which is the reason that I take pictures of EVERYTHING and post them everywhere). Of my memories of this elementary school, I vividly remember:

* Being in Kindergarten and seeing this girl throw up a baloney sandwich in front of the whole class.

* Watching puppet shows.

* Playing around in the line for lunch, and we accidentally knocked over the fire extinguisher, which then proceeded to spray all over the floor.

* Dressing up like the villain from Battle of the Giants (an old Japanese robot show that I watched) and everyone loved my costume.

* In 1st grade, I tried to jump from a swing during recess. As I came down, my chin hit my knee and I bit the small tip of my tongue OFF!!! I remember that my teacher poured peroxide on it and it fizzed. I didn't cry, but it scared me.

* In 1st grade, they tested me and certified me as a gifted student. I didn't know what it meant, but I soon grew to hate it because they always put me with older kids and I was rarely around kids my age.

* Seeing a speeding car on the Interstate, and turning in the license plate number to a security guard who was on the school grounds one day.

OAKMONT DRIVE (1983 - 1987):

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Of all the houses that I lived at as a kid, this was my favorite! There were so many other kids for me to terrorize in the neighborhood! I'd wake up early on all non-school days and would go out to wake everyone up and play. Then we'd play until late at night. I remember that the times seemed safe - COMPLETELY unlike today. You didn't have to worry about anything: crimes, kidnapping, financial situations......everything seemed so innocent and safe.

* I remember coming home from school, doing homework, then darting out the door to play. Then at 4:30, I'd stop whatever I was doing and run home like a madman so I could watch GI Joe and Transformers.

* I used to have EPIC imaginary Star Wars battles in my room. I'd turn on my soundtrack for The Empire Strikes Back on my record player and I would act out new stories for 2 straight hours.

* I would fight with neighborhood kids, then be friends with them 3 days later.

* I was the first person I knew of to get the original Nintendo Entertainment system in 1985, and suddenly everyone wanted to come to my house to play it.

* My parents were thinking about adopting this young Korean boy, so he lived with us for a few months. I wasn't a fan. I didn't like him touching my things, so I banned him from my room. I'd fight with him at home, but once we got to school, if anyone would pick on him, I'd yell at them.

ROCK BRANCH ELEMENTARY AND POCA MIDDLE SCHOOL:

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I was featured in the newspaper for writing a small novel when I was in the 3rd grade. I learned how to play drums at Poca Middle School (humorously known as PMS). I was in plays and sang. I remember being young and having fun at school with people whom I had no idea that I'd never see again once we parted.

BAILEY ROAD (1987 - 1997):

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I guess technically this is the house that I actually grew up in. We moved here on July 4th, 1987. I was 12, and spent nearly 10 years of my life here. I have LOTS of memories here. I had good times and bad times. I almost died here when I developed ulcerative colitis and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Aside from that, I had many laughs here. Family get-togethers and Christmas parties. Spending my teen years watching MTV (when they actually showed videos) and talking on the phone at all hours of the night. Laying around on the porch on hot summer days, reading books and playing with my nieces and nephews.

I'll never forget this place, or the times that I had with my family here.

ANDREW JACKSON MIDDLE SCHOOL:

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I was only here one year before I transferred to my church's private school.

LIVING FAITH FELLOWSHIP:

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My dad started a new church after we moved to Oakmont Drive. He and a few of his friends literally built this church from the ground up, and it was THE most beautiful church in the valley. After many years, we decided that we needed to move closer to the city, so the church changed name (Freedom Christian Center) and moved to Nitro, where it flourished. From there, it moved to Teays Valley. My parents finally retired a few years ago, and now attend their friends' church. In a way, I'm glad that I was raised in church because I feel that it helped me to have a tiny bit of consideration for others - otherwise I would've been a total asshole. In another way, I wish that my parents had never gotten involved with the church. I feel that they gave up so much of their lives for ungrateful people who did nothing more than suck them dry and then ditch them when they got what they wanted. My parents gave their own money, sweat and tears for hundreds of people, and now only a handful of those people still speak to them. To those people - I am truly thankful to you. The others? Kiss my ass. You're pathetic and I pray that I never see you again.

FREEDOM CHRISTIAN CENTER:

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This is where the church moved before it ended up in Teays Valley. I attended private school and graduated almost 2 years early here.

Now it's an antique strip mall.

JOBS:

Kroger:

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My first job was at Kroger's in Cross Lanes. I started when I was 16. I worked part time, but at least I had a job. I started out as a courtesy clerk and then was promoted to cashier. I was there for a while until they gave me less hours than I needed. I quit and started working for the Head Start program in Charleston (located at the Y). It was basically free preschool for underprivileged children. I had a lot of fun helping the kids learn to read and play.

Hollywood Video:

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This was my favorite job. I met so many awesome people here, and had a great time. It was fun to work and wait on customers with movies and music blasting in the background. We knew most of our customers on a first name basis! I worked as a clerk and was promoted to management. I even left this job and came back later. SO muh fun here! The mid-90s were awesome. If I can ever get in touch with the people I worked with here, I'll get their permission and post some videos that I have of us.

Freedom Christian Academy:

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After graduating, I worked part time as a tutor at the school. Eventually, I went full time, and then because the elementary teacher. I worked here from 1995 to 2004. I loved working with the teens and helping them through the troublesome years.

I've also managed Books-A-Million at Corridor G, and then went to Alltel in Huntington. From there, I worked at a life insurance company for about a month before I realized that I hated it, and I went back to wireless by working for Verizon Wireless, where I'm still working.

West Virginia State College (University):

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I admit it. I'm a nerd. I love going to college, and if I could, I'd be a full time college student.

PLACES I'VE LIVED ON MY OWN:

After moving out from my parents, I moved in with my friends Jimmy and Will. We chose this "shack" to live in:

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It was crappy and I swear it was haunted! We had fun though and I learned what it was like to live with others who weren't related to me.

Then, I got married and moved here:

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It looks small, but it had 3 floors. We raised Kristen here, and Jacob was born while we lived here!

I became very sick at this point, and we moved back in with my parents at Bailey Road. Then we moved here:

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In this house, I got divorced and lived alone here again. This house was awesome! It had an awesome stone fireplace in the living room, and was just great. I didn't want to sell it, but it was way more house than I needed. It was MUCH longer than it looked.

THE OAKS:

Eventually, Bobby moved in with me and Jake, and we moved to The Oaks:

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The grounds were cute, but the inside of the apartment was like a dungeon. It had ZERO window light, and this is where "Stompy" lived (above us). We'd hear her stomping around, yelling at her demon children, and on occasion we'd hear her and Mr. Stompy have a shocking 2-minute sex session.

When I couldn't take it anymore, we moved to Carriage Hill. We've lived here for a year, and now we are ready to leave this area. I'm ready for a change, and Bobby and Jake will be right there with me!

So while I didn't do that much with the 35 years that I've been here, I've made some good connections and had great memories that I still remember vividly. The memories won't be erased, and I'm sure I'll make plenty of new memories in Pittsburgh. Stay with me on Facebook and this blog and you can go along on the ride with me.

To those I love - you know I do. Everyone else: consider yourself forgotten. You don't bring along trash.

PEACE OUT, WV! IT'S BEEN A BLAST! SEE YOU WHEN I SEE YOU!

An Ode to My White and Blue Baseball Shirt

2010-07-25T14:45:00.000-04:00

If you've followed anything I post on Facebook, Twitter or my blog, you've probably seen me wearing it: my white and blue baseball shirt that I've had for 6 years. I never noticed that I wore it so much until we were at a baseball game earlier this year and I wanted to take a picture. Moments before I snapped the photo, I realized that I had on the same shirt I was wearing last time I took a group photo. And the time before that. And also on several other pics from the past few years.

While having a favorite shirt isn't odd, wearing it in every single photo in existence of you IS odd. Here's a small sample of some of the images I'm talking about. None of these were taken on the same day:

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

and:

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and:

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and here's one where I even have Jacob wearing a shirt like mine:

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

See? I'm obviously insane.

So today, while packing for our move to Pittsburgh, I have decided that I must part with the shirt. No more photos of me in that shirt. It's time to let go, so let go I shall. I've had several great memories in that shirt, and some not so good ones. But when ALL of my memories of of me wearing that shirt, it's time to take a trip to the dumpster.

WHITE AND BLUE BASEBALL SHIRT
R.I.P. 2005 - 2010

Darthcueball's Guide to Current Music (part one)

2010-07-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Well, it finally happened. Jacob and Kristen like to listen to the local pop stations while I’m driving, and after hearing one too many overly-processed songs, I snapped.

“You guys call this music?”

I turned into my parents.

Now don’t get my wrong...I love love LOVE music. You won’t find a bigger fan, and in fact, I have three days worth of music on my iPod Touch. Three literal days. When you plug it up to iTunes, it literally says “3 days”. I think it’s safe to say that I am pretty knowledgeable when it comes to music. I’m a musician, a writer, and I love to make non-stop mixes of songs on my virtual DJ station on my PC.

HOWEVER - there’s only so much auto-tuning that one can hear before they go insane. How the hell does someone as talentless as Ke$ha get a recording contract? I mean, if you have to be auto-tuned while SPEAKING, then something is severely wrong.

So, for my loyal readers (all 6 of you), I have complied a guide to current music. Use it to make yourself aware of what is considered “cool” when it comes to music.

* Have you recently heard a song where the vocalist sounded like a robot? That’s called auto-tuning, and apparently 98% of modern musicians feel the need to use it. In every song. Always.

The biggest offenders of this would easily be the modern day rappers/hip hop singers. Whether it’s a sped up (read: ANNOYING) voice singing a part of the chorus or Lil’ Wayne sounding like a drowning robot, auto-tuning has taken over this once great genre. You can’t even make it 12 seconds into ANY Black Eyed Peas song without hearing it. Well, that or Fergie’s annoyingly raspy and obnoxious voice.

How can you have a recording contract, yet be so bad at singing that they have to run your voice through a digital processor and TUNE your damn singing voice for you?!

Another offender? That slutty, whore bitch Ke$ha. She always sounds like she’s totally plastered and smiling with her mouth open while singing. Her lyrics make about as much sense as some random hobo living on the street (brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack?) And she rips off other artists in her videos and stage performances.

Here’s a normal day in the life of Ke$ha: Wake up at noon, go to the recording studio, eat some Doritos and urinal cakes while your 6th grade groupies write your next hit song, grunt out the lyrics, go home, do drugs and drink, then sleep. Can’t carry a tune, Ke$ha? No worries! Your prodcuers will just run your vocal tracks through a computer and BAM - they’ll have you sounding like a kazoo on meth in no time!

God, it’s SO annoying. Here's a parody video that (sadly) is better than the actual song:

Yes, the lyrics to this parody make more sense than the real song.

NEXT:

* Go into any place of business using a Muzak machine, and you’re sure to hear it. The wailing. The terrible poetic garble about breaking up and trying to find new love. Lesbian undertones that really make no sense. Screeching metal strings. Yep - your ears were just raped by what I call “White Girls With Guitars” music. It’s EVERYWHERE you shop, and it’s terrible.

If I wanted to hear a woman bitch and moan about her lackluster love life, I’d join a Curves.

Bitch, Maya Angelou you are not. Please stop writing shitty poems and then layering them over top of the only three chords you know on the guitar that you bought at a pawn shop one day after being dumped . No one thinks that you’re cool - nor do we give a crap about your life. I don’t want you to find new love, I just want you to shut the hell up.

And while she doesn’t play a guitar, I put Kelly Clarkson in this category! Almost every song she releases is about her terrible luck at love, and then she screams at the top of her lungs near the end. WE GET IT! You’re a strong independent woman who doesn’t need anyone (except a producer to make certain that you’re on key).

Another example can be heard in those AMAZINGLY annoying Amazon Kindle commercials. God, I want these women to drown:

Dear Jesus, make it stop. I will do anything - ANYTHING - including sticking my tongue up a bull's nostril and swishing it around, if you will just make it stop.

To be fair, there is also a “White Guys With Guitars” genre. These guys also sing about their bad luck at love, usually in the form of a crappy ballad, and they wail and cry over three chords. Nickelback is the Pope of this group. I don’t care what anyone says - ALL of their songs sound the same. They are also a great example of sell out music (bands who were actually good when they first hit the scene, but over the past few years, they’ve turned into a girl band. I mean, have you heard their current song about sitting on their front porch, hanging out with friends. Who the hell cares?!) I wish these guys would stop trying to portray their feelings through music and invest in some hair products.

Okay, I've got my blood pressure boiling. I need to take a break. Tune in next time for more information on modern music. Your life will be better because of it, I assure you.

Five Things That I Currently Do Not Care For...

2010-07-13T22:57:00.000-04:00

They say that by the time you are 5, your personality and ideals are already set within your mind. Well, I'm seven times that age, and believe me, I've got a LOT of personality and opinions. If you're reading this, you obviously give a shit about what I have to say, so who am I to keep my opinions from you - my 4 loyal readers?

In my opinion, modern day news funnels are clogged with ridiculously absurd stories and celeb gossip. We obsess over celebrities who do nothing more than have big tits and walk around in public in their underwear. God knows it's not for their musical talent, isn't that right Ke$ha? So to keep you updated on what I think of these things, I've created this brief guide so that you can be aware of what will annoy me if I ever choose to engage you in conversation. Let's begin, shall we?

1. Lebron James - Someone please let me know what this guy did that’s so terrible. I understand that some sports fans were let down by his decision, but does it justify booing him at his friends’ wedding? Throwing stuff at him? Hell, while we’re at it, why not subdue him, crucify him, then shoot him and just be done with it? Is that what people want? People are literally crying and labeling him as a traitor because he thought for himself. Meanwhile, children in Africa are eating handfuls of dirt because they are hungry.

2. Kate Gosselin - Will someone PLEASE, for the love of God, get this bitch off of my TV screen and all magazine covers? Why are all the housewives (and by that, I mean the insane cat ladies) so concerned with what this harpy does? It’s like the media tries their best to trash her and tear her down, she vanishes for a few weeks, then some bunch of fatass housewives start caring about her again, and we have to hear about her shit. I don’t care how many kids she shot out her vagina. I don’t blame her husband for what he did. Would YOU want to be married to THAT? I don’t care about her damn hairstyle. I don’t care about her on Dancing With the Stars. I don’t want to hear about her getting her own talk show with Paula Dean. I DON’T CARE!!! This woman is a camerawhore bitch, and everyone feeds right in to it. Stop buying magazines with her elfish face on them and her retarded hairdo. Stop watching her terrible show on TLC. STOP IT!!! I can’t wait for her kids to grow up and hate her for exposing them to the cameras non-stop.

3. Sarah Palin - If ever there was a living oxymoron, this woman is it. If you aren’t exactly clear on who she is, look at it like this: Basically, some people in Alaska thought it would be funny to bring in some former beauty queen to run their state. She ended up blackmailing people, covering up records, and other various activities. Fast forward a few years and McCain randomly pulls her name out of a hat and asks her to be his VP running mate. She then goes on and on while standing on her soapbox about teen pregnancies, morals (HA!) and other bullshit blurbs. You couldn’t turn your TV on without hearing her annoying accent rambling on and on like a 4 year old whose parents forced them at gunpoint to remember their lines for the preschool play. Then, after screwing up McCain’s chances of winning, all hell breaks loose. She “steps down” from her position in Alaska (like it matters) and her daughter was knocked up. She then vanishes for several months - only to pop up again when she releases a book that she “wrote” (no she didn’t) and to support the majorly retarded “tea party” movement. She continues to trash President Obama, when she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. She thinks that she should have a say-so on every issue, and even attacked Family Guy when they used an autistic actress to reference how Sarah Palin would whip out her autistic son to get a few “awwww” votes. The autistic actress basically told Palin to mind her own business and to eff off. You go, girl! Someone needs to duct tape this bitch’s mouth shut and shove her head into the gaping hole in the Gulf to stop the oil leak.

4. Twilight - Dear Lord...now I will admit that I’ve only seen the first movie, but that single viewing alone made me want to board an airplane bound for Washington...and then leap head first from it mid-flight. What a boring cinematic turd! I am so sick of lonely teenybopper girls and their middle-aged borderline pedo mothers arguing over whether they are on Team Edward or Team Jacob. ATTENTION PSYCHOS - you can’t be on either team because they AREN’T REAL! This book series has done more damage to vampire lore than Transylvania 6-5000 did in the 80s. Vampires who can go out in the daylight? And they SPARKLE?! So lame. The story reads like a bad episode of Degrassi, only the actors have fangs or fur. Now, before you call me a hypocrite (because I like True Blood), let me remind you that True Blood just bring vampires to the modern day and inserts them into dramatic and action-filled stories. It doesn’t rape vampire lore in order to make lonely girls all over the world squeal. Edward nor Jacob will ever love you, dear. You’re probably fat, alone and smell of boob cheese.

5. Cats - Cats are smug bastards. I want nothing to do with an animal that meows until fed, and then they turn and raise their tail to show their asshole to you. Cats think that they are the human and YOU are the pet. I had a cat once. It shit all over its litter box like a feces-filled Play Doh Fun Factory, and if my ex didn’t IMMEDIATELY clean it, she’d piss in the kitchen floor (the cat, not my ex). After a few days of that, she had to go (the cat, not my ex). We gave her away to a relative. You don’t rule this roost, cat. Cats also stink and they are boring. Dogs will play fetch or let you take them for a walk. Cats stare out the window and fill up their litter box with turds. That’s it. I dare any of you to give me one good thing that comes from owning a cat. Feel free to ask me over in my society.me box (over on the right-hand side of my blog), post on my Facebook wall, or tweet me. (Links are below).

So there you have it. Five things that I currently cannot stand. Stay tuned because I’m sure the list will be different next week.

Yours in Christ,
RICKY

And now for something we hope you really like...

2010-07-11T22:20:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone! After months of silence, I have decided to return to the blogosphere! Well...actually, I haven't been silent. I just realized that I could bitch and complain in real time on Twitter and Facebook, so I haven't felt the need to blog. That ends tonight!

First and foremost, I guess I should share the most important thing that is going on in my life right now: I'M MOVING! Yes, in a mere 2 1/2 weeks, I shall no longer be a citizen of West Virginia. I shall have escaped to Pittsburgh! I have a better-paying job there, and we'll have the opportunity to actually DO stuff! I hate it that you can't do anything in WV without driving to it. The only thing that's in walking distance are jobless people smoking cigarettes on their front porch, and meth labs. I'm not into either of those things, so it gets pretty boring around here.

Now I know that I was bitching about Pittsburgh and how much it sucked a couple of years ago, but my visit was in a terrible winter storm in January, and I've since seen the error of my ways. So, here's hoping to meeting cool new people, and making a hell of lot more money in Pittsburgh!

Lately, I've also gotten back into wrestling. Yes, I am completely aware that it is nothing more than steroid fueled men wearing panties and rolling around with each other on a mat. It's entertaining and they are far better actors than the entire cast of The Hills. Why do people even watch that show?

Anyway, I have no idea who any of the current wrestlers are. The "oldies" have either retired or died of congestive heart failure, so last Monday, I sat with Jacob and we tried to figure out who was who, and who we would like. We didn't come to a conclusion, but we will watch the fake fights again tomorrow night.

MEANWHILE:
For those who haven't noticed, I'm really into social networking. I spend a lot of time posting links and humorous posts on Facebook, Twitter and random Yuku message boards, and it hasn't really paid off yet aside from a few brief conversations with some reality TV stars on Twitter, but I continue to do it. I love sharing my life and pics with other people so they can see how cool I am, and how much more fun I'm having than they are. Face it - you'll not find better posts of bitching than mine. I love to complain about everything, and everyone has the right to read it. If you don't like it, then go elsewhere. I encourage everyone to get into social networking: whether you spam up your Facebook, tweet on Twitter, or (if you must...) alert me every 5 minutes where you are with FourSquare (by the way, SVNGR is much better than Foursquare) - you should be into social networking. The world NEEDS to know what you're doing every second of every day.

Well, that's all I can think of right now. I know I mentioned that I was gonna do a weekly blog post, but I may do more. It just depends on how I feel. Next post, I'll be sure to cover more interesting things, but right now I'm craving cereal and need to go shave my head.

My Brain Dump is back, and nothing is sacred.

You never know - YOU might be in my next post.

LOOK ME UP ON:

Facebook: facebook/com/darthcueball
Words With Friends: Brainboil
Yahoo Messenger: darthcueball

G'nite, suckas!

WARNING...

2010-07-06T23:28:00.000-04:00

I've decided that I'm going to start doing a weekly blog on various topics. Starting this Sunday, I'll make a "Braindump Digest" and post it here and on my Facebook. I haven't blogged since I started using Twitter and Facebook....but that's gonna change! So just be ready for lots of bitching and random brain farts. You have been warned.

2012: Now I Know Why They Call It Doomsday

2009-11-14T12:10:00.004-05:00

Greetings, Planet Earth!

For the past several years, we have heard the hype about how the Mayan calendar ends on 12/21/12. Supposedly, all the planets are supposed to align, and all hell is going to break loose and we're all going to die.

Ah, death.

That's what I was wishing for while I sat through 2012, the latest movie by director Roland Emmerich. The film comes off as is Mr. Emmerich sat around one day and thought to himself, "You know what would be super cool? If I take that old Elijah Wood movie, Deep Impact, and mix it with The Day After Tomorrow, and then make it about the Mayan calendar"! In other words, if you've seen any disaster movie from the past 10 years, you've already seen this movie, and the other movies were better.

*****SPOILER ALERT!!!! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS "MOVIE"*****

2012 isn't only the title of the movie. It's also the amount of minutes that this movie feels like it takes to finish. Clocking in at nearly 2 hours and 40 minutes, the movie just seems to go on and on and on.

The cause of all of the disaster is blamed on solar flares on the sun. They are so strong that they are sending radioactive particles to Earth, which in turn is heating up the core even more, causing the lower layers of the earth to melt away. Due to this, the top layer of the earth, or the crust, begins to cave in because the earth is basically now a giant empty gumball. The quakes cause huge rifts all along the major faults in the earth's crust. Let's just say that by the end of the movie, the only place safe in the U.S. is Wisconsin.

John Cusak plays a writer. He's had one book published, but they make a point to bring it to your attention that he's only sold like 400 copies. Since he's not doing that well, he has a second job as a limo driver for some Russian guy with two HIDEOUS twin boys. He gets a weekend vacation, so he takes his own children (a girl and a boy) to camp in Yellowstone park.

While he's there, he meets a crazy man, played by Woody Harrleson. Harrleson does a radio show from his camper, and he's going on and on about how there's a cover up by the governments of the world because they are aware that the Earth is breaking up, and that they are making spaceships to get them away before the destruction.

Cusak thinks he's crazy, but when he receives a call from his ex-wife that there are major earthquakes everywhere, he runs back home to drop off his kids. He sees his ex's new husband, Gordon (a plastic surgeon), and realizes that his son likes Gordon more than he likes his own father. He gets bummed and leaves.

He gets a call from the Russian to pick him up and take him to the airport. As he's dropping them off, he hears one of the Russian children say that they are going on a ship to escape the death. At that moment, a huge quake hits, and he realizes that the crazy man was correct! He drives back to get his kids, and ends up smashing his ex wife and Gordon in the limo.

They then have a "thrilling" scene that goes on forever in which they drive through the California town as it literally falls apart. Roads plummet into sinkholes. Tall buildings simply fall over. Miraculously, John Cusak is able to drive through the entire disaster and get his family to the airport. Then Gordon has to pilot a small plane, and we get another scene of stuff breaking up and falling over as he manages to fly them around everything. Then they get to another larger plane, and Gordon and a Russian pilot do the same thing. Then a lot of other things happen (like tsunamis and an mega volcano erupting in Yellowstone park) and this basically goes on for 2 hours until you realize that the "spaceships" are actually just gigantic metallic covered ships that will float around until the waters recede. The ships hold the leaders of each country in the world, as well as a few scientists, artists, teachers, and rich people.

The survivors float around for 27 days and then head for Africa, since it's the only continent that wasn't totally covered by water. The magnetic poles have also shifted, and now Wisconsin is the new South Pole.

It's also "convenient" that all of the characters are linked to each other somehow. Although Cusak only sold 400 books, it seems that all 400 of those people just happen to be main characters in this movie. They all know who is is.

It also uses the "let's get one person from every ethnicity and country and have them help out in trying to save the planet so that we can all be as one" cliche. By the end of the movie, I swear to God, they even have a Tibetan monk in the mix.

So did ANY of that make sense?

No?

Well, now you know what it's like to be sitting in the theater when the credits roll.

It was awful. Even the special effects were awful. Hollywood needs to stop it with the green screen sets. They look ridiculous.

The movies desperately tries to get you involved in the characters' lives so that you care if they live or die.....yet you don't. There's no suspense because the scenes are so ridiculously played out that you know that NONE of the main characters will die. They seem to have cat-like agility and they escape everything that is thrown at them.

In one scene, Cusak is driving the camper, and it FALLS INTO A RAVINE. Cusak looks down to see lava below him. Then it shows his kids' faces crying, and he somehow manages to get out of the falling camper, and climb back up the rift.

Are you kidding me?! Ridiculous!!

The majority of the characters aren't really likable because they do not spend enough time on them. On the other hand, they spend WAY too much time on the unlikable characters. Oliver Platt being the main unlikable character.

It was just really bad, people.

Ridiculous dialogue, too over-the-top special effects, and unlikable characters bring this movie down.

What's even worse is that the big "climax" of the movie is that the ship carrying the American survivors breaks loose and almost crashes into Mt. Everest.

Yep, that's it - a movie where the earth is literally imploding, and the big finale is a boat is going to crash into a mountain.

>sigh<

I highly recommend NOT seeing this, and also avoiding the DVD release for as long as you can.

It's EASILY one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

EVER.

....and I've seen Lindsay Lohan in Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Halloween '09

2009-10-31T23:02:00.004-04:00

Hey guys!

Not much to blog about lately since you can get real time bitching at my Twitter account.

I just wanted to share some pics from our Halloween party (and also trick or treat). Hope you all had a great time! I'd love to see some of your pics!

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

By nyrob83, shot with BlackBerry 9630 at 2009-10-31

Top 5 Worst Horror Movie Killers (cont.) - NUMBER ONE

2009-09-17T11:48:00.001-04:00

It takes a lot to suck more than a demon possessed car and a cellphone ghost. A LOT. Thankfully, the SciFi channel - oops, I mean SyFy - was up to the challenge, and they succeeded numerous times.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst horror movie killer of all times (and it's a collective entry):

The SciFi/SyFy Original Movie Monsters!

Don't deny it. You've been channel surfing and stopped on what you thought was a Lifetime movie about a woman's attempt to get pregnant - then BAM! The bitch is eaten by something stupid like a flying beaver or something. No, you aren't on LSD. You've just witnessed a shittastic SciFi/Syfy (henceforth referred to as SyFy) Original Movie! They hype these babies up like a proud father boasting about his Olympic-caliber kid who plays soccer, then they look like something a college student made on a weekend with a VHS camera in his mom's garage with a budget of $50.

Never fear! There's plenty of crappy monsters to choose from, regardless of race, gender or religion. Well, MAYBE your religion.....

Anyway, here's a quick rundown of the worst of the crap (in alphabetical order):

* Abominable - the "actual" abominable snowman attacks a paraplegic in the woods.

* Anonymous Rex - dinosaurs didn't acutally become extinct. They faked their deaths and now live amongst humans wearing latex suits (???).

* Black Hole - a black hole appears and releases a monster near St. Louis.

* Chupacabra: Dark Seas - a hunter captures a chupacabra, and then it gets loose on a cruise ship. It eays everyone, including a little puppy. Its finally defeated when the Captain's mousy daughter busts out and kickboxes it.

* Deep Shock - giant electric eels melt the icecaps.

* Flu Bird Horror - mutant birds attack a bunch of kids at a camp. As the kids flee, the birds follow them and start killing the townspeople. Way to go, kids!

* Grizzly Rage - a bear attacks teens in the woods. The actual bear and the kids are never in the same scene. Instead, a man in a bear suit does the "stunts".

* Ice Spiders - genetically-altered spiders eat Olympic skiiers at a West Virginia resort.

* Kaw - crows attack a girls volleyball team on a schoolbus. I was cheering for the crows to kill the "Doris" character, because she's rude, annoying, fat, and she's named Doris.

* Mansquito - a man gets a virus that turns him into a giant mosquito. He eats his friend's girlfriend. Then they run around and shoot at him.

* Mega Snake - pretty self-explanatory. A big snake (horribly CG rendered) eats people.

* Raptor Island - the effects of this movie are HILARIOUS! People get stuck on an island with a bunch of raptors. They use the same animation for the raptors, so it looks like an old Disney film. Truly awful!

...and that's a mere sampler of the tons of shitty SyFy movies. Instead of getting better, they get worse! Bobby always watches them and I just sit there with a look of disbelief. They're full of bad acting, crappy plots and awful - AWFUL- special effects.

And we stop surfing everytime one is on!

Top 5 Worst Horror Movie Killers (cont.) - NUMBER TWO

2009-09-16T13:37:00.001-04:00

As we near the home stretch of this countdown, we come across a movie that used to scare the shit out of me when I was like 7 and it would come on TV, but watching it now makes me wonder how they were even given the money to make the film.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 1977 "horror" movie, The Car. This epic movie is about a town in Utah (???) That is terrorized by a demon possessed black car that drives around and runs over people. The car plows down a marching band and then chases James Brolin's girlfriend into a graveyard. It won't drive onto the consecrated grounds, so it leaves.

Then there's a car chase with some cops, some of them crash, and then Brolin gets all pissed off and goes after the car when it runs over his girlfriend. He gets the car to chase him and then they blow it up somehow.

At one point, they chase the car on a horse.

I'm not sure how this story was ever written, but a similar story was seen in "Christine" and again in an episode of Futurama.

Could you imagine being out in the middle of a desert, and you see a car driving at you while honking its horn non-stop? Wouldn't you simply run out of the way? I mean you are in the freaking desert! There's plenty of room to dodge a car - especially one from 1977 that can go 55 tops. Also, the horn thing doesn't work. When I'm in NYC, there are signs everywhere that say NO HONKING but everyone honks anyway. Pedestrians don't even care! They'll just walk out in the middle of traffic, daring a car to hit them. So, The Car, do you think you could handle the big city? You think anyone cares that you honk and drive around without anyone in the driver's seat?

Bitch please! Come stay with me for a while, and after I neglect to change your oil and rotate your tires, you'll be a piece of crap, just like my old Cavalier.

Why didn't the people in the movie simply surround their town with spikes to pop The Car's tires? Who kept letting The Car fill up? It makes no sense. But in a movie where one of the main characters is named "Amos", along with the fact that its in Utah, what are you expecting?

Oh, and according to Wikipedia, Anton LaVey, leader of the Church of Satan, was a technical advisor for the film.

Alrighty then!

The only "scary" car movie that comes in as worse than this one is Lindsay Lohan's shitfest "Herbie: Fully Loaded".

So if you ever have a few minutes to kill (because that's how long it will take before you turn it off in disgust), search for The Car on Youtube. You'll be thankful for your rust bucket in your driveway.

Top 5 Worst Horror Movie Killers (cont.) - NUMBER THREE

2009-09-08T12:37:00.003-04:00

On our trek to the top worst horror movie killer, let's take a little break and just hang out on the beach.

Ahh, the sand between your toes! The smell of salt in the air as waves crash on the beach. Wait! What's that sound? Someone is screaming at the top of their lungs! People are running in fear! There's a pool of blood in the water - and now......now there's a cello playing low bass chords over and over!

EVERYBODY RUN! It's....

......our number three entry:

JAWS (Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3 in 3D, Jaws: the Revenge)

I'm not going to pretend to be a badass. I hate to be in deep water. Don't mock, it's just a fear I have. I could not even imagine the terror of being in the water, and suddenly a giant shark starts devouring my friends.

That's why I never go to the beach.

Jaws is a crappy horror movie killer for the mere reason that you can stop him by not visiting a beach. This theory is easy to understand:

When I go to Walmart, I am bombarded with images of fat people in electric scooters (all the while eating a freshly opened bag of Doritos in the scooter's basket), screaming brat children, redneck trailer trash, and questionable "meat" products. I swear to God, I spent $5 on what appeared to be this bigass package of meat - and THOUGHT I was getting a good deal - until I got home and made the burgers, only to find out that the meat had been mixed with a ton of lard. After cooking those babies, I had quarter-sized meat nuggets. BASTARDS!!!
Anyway, my point is: if I want to refrain from these experiences, I simply stop going to Walmart. Problem solved.

Giant shark eating people at a beach? Um...stop going to the beach.

The characters in Jaws acted as if Jaws was the worst tyrant in history, complete with the ability to grow legs and chase them all over the place. If I truly TRULY feared the shark, I would not go to the beach, or at least stay out of the water while I'm there.

I have enough to worry about with medical equipment and jellyfish attacking my feet while I'm just WADING in the water! I surely do not need to worry about a shark eating me. That would TOTALLY piss me off.

At the end of the run of sequels, I was actually cheering for Jaws. By this point, the humans had blown him up, fought him off from attacking Sea World, and forced us to watch his 3rd adventure through those generic red and blue 3D glasses. I'd be pissed too! For the grand finale, they had the mother - or wife, I can't remember - have this dramatic fight with the shark. If I'm not mistaken, the woman was the same woman who played the mom in Child's Play. (Someone verify this).

Anyway, after having flashbacks for events that she wasn't even there for, a fight ensues and she manages to overcome Jaws.

All of the death of her family members, as well as the 6 or 7 combined total hours that I wasted watching these films, could've been prevented by NOT GOING TO THE BEACH! (Noticing a theme here?)

So for being such a big threat who cannot get to me if I stay away from liquid, you are ranked number three, Mr. Jaws.

Before you go, check out this Jaws moment, brought to you by Chicken of the Sea tuna, and YouTube user FringeToast:

I'm waiting on the modern day remake where Rob Zombie explains that Jaws was mistreated in fish school.

Top 5 Worst Horror Movie Killers (cont.) NUMBER FOUR

2009-09-07T16:20:00.002-04:00

Top 5 Worst Horror Movie Killers (cont.) - NUMBER FOUR:

After working in the cellphone industry for many years, I think I'm pretty advanced when it comes to wireless equipment and the general public who uses them. The premise of "One Missed Call" would never EVER happen. Let me explain...

In "One Missed Call" several college students begin to die in strange ways. The eerie part is: they receive a voice mail on their phone that let's them actually hear how they will die. A short while later - BAM! Dead. The heroine of the film tosses her studies aside and investigates the mystery. She learns that the murderer is someone who is already dead, and has somehow managed to gain the ability to make cellphone calls and leave voicemails from beyond.

The film makes you think that it's this crazed abusive mother, but in a "shocking" twist that everyone saw coming, the murderer is actually this creepy looking little girl with asthma. They never really explain how her soul got into the network and is able to call random people on the victim's contact list. They also never explained why the final scene shows someone's phone ringing with one missed call, even though the mom's spirit just banished her from the phone and........UGH!

This movie was full of many things: catchy ringtones, awful death scenes, even worse acting, and plot holes galore. The whole reason this "killer" is on my list is because:

A. They do not explain why she's killing people via their cellphones

And B. 90% of people who use cellphones are idiots. Most of them can't even set up their voice mail, leaving calls unanswered. Those who are lucky enough to accidentally set theirs up NEVER remember their passcode!

What's that, little asthmatic girl? You're trying to kill Mrs. Tyree through her voicemail? Well - sorry - Mrs Tyree doesn't remeber her passcode and will have to make a special trip to the store to ask a sales rep how to set it up, and then you'll have to wait another hour as she rummages through the 75 voicemail messages that she has dating back 4 months. You'd best find another victim, preferrably someone who knows how to use their phone!

This killer was an epic fail, although I will give her credit for trying to not be such an obvious "The Ring" ripoff!

Top 5 Worst Horror Movie Villains

2009-09-07T01:04:00.005-04:00

In the world of horror movies, there are plenty of top dogs. Freddy rips off one-liners while hacking up your sleeping friends. Jason oozes evil through an emotionless hockey mask. Michael Myers can walk slowly, yet catch up to you while you're running away frantically.

But in order to have good horror movie villains, you must have bad ones. Believe me, there are plenty of bad ones out there. Sometimes, you watch a movie intending on being scared, and instead you end up with an awful taste in your mouth and the urge to slap your mom.

What follows is a list of my picks for the top 5 worst horror movie villains. This list contains my opinion, and since it's my blog, I can say whatever I want! If you disagree, or think that I overlooked some horror-loser, then leave a comment.

*************************************************

5. Chucky (Child's Play 1, 2, 3, Bride of Chucky, Seed of Chucky) - Remember being young and having your eye on the toy of your dreams? For me, it was this bigass GI Joe aircraft carrier that was 6 feet long, and would hold hundreds of GI Joe figures. It even had electronic sounds and a built in megaphone. That was high tech for 1985. I never got that damn playset, but in Child's Play, that little bastard, Andy, got what he wanted. Strangely enough, he wanted a doll.
It wasn't even like it was a special gift given to him by his loving grandmother. Instead, his mom had to buy it from a hobo. Upon opening the urine-scented doll, Andy appears to be happy and all is well in their household.
That is, until they learn that the soul of a murderer has been transferred into the doll (???) and it's trying to kill everyone close to Andy in order to move the soul into his body. WHOA! I mean, I really wanted that aircraft carrier, but I didn't want it to possess me. That's a feature that I'm not sure I really need in a plaything.
So anyway, they all proceed to run around their apartment building fleeing from the animatronic doll for an hour and a half while he spits out witty comments and curses at old people in the elevator. Don't get me wrong, back in its day, this movie (kinda) scared people shitless, but people: THINK! Why would you be scared of a freaking doll? I've spent lots of money on toys for my son over the years, and usually, no matter how intricate or detailed the toy was, he usually broke it within an hour. The characters of this movie ran from Chucky as if he was a 9 foot tall maniac with a chainsaw. Bitch, kick that doll! Even if he manages to get in a stab with his knife - he's only a foot and a half tall! He'll scrape up your shin! Beat the shit out of the doll, toss it in the microwave, aaaaand scene! Movie is over.
Instead, the characters ran (always looking behind them) around so frantically that it almost seemed like they were going through the most difficult obstacles on purpose! Remember in part 2 when they are in the actual doll factory, and they are running through the assembly line machines like a Warner Bros cartoon? Blech.
The fact that Chucky was supposed to look cute, but was already pretty scary as is also didn't help. I was distracted by what was going on because I wanted to cut Chucky's hair. I wanted to get him out of those unfortunate blue bibs. And what about ethnic Chucky? Why were they all white, red-headed abominations?
At any rate, Chucky gets the number 5 spot for being so non-intimidating. Even when he taped a hunting knife to his hand in part 2, that little bitch, Andy, was still able to kick his ass.
Maybe next time, you should transfer your soul into something a little more intimidating.

LOSER #4 - Coming up......

Welcome Back...

2009-09-06T13:27:00.001-04:00

As you can see from the date of my last post, either I died or I became preoccupied with something. Well, I'm still alive, and that "something" is Twitter. Why type up long blogs for people to read when they can read my whining in real time? Twitter is amazing. I can now read what every person on the planet is doing at all hours of the day, even in languages that I do not speak!

But alas, the blogger in me has been frantically searching for a way to unleash my brain farts on humanity via my Blackberry. After months of waiting for an app, I decided to just post from my Bolt browser! If you see spelling mistakes or paragraph errors, its the Blackberry's fault.

Nothing is really going on with me right now except the following:

* I moved back to St. Albans after a horrible year of living in Dunbar

* Jacob started 3rd grade and is loving it

* I'm working in Charleston, and am pretty "meh" about it

...and that's about it. Compelling, I know. If you really must know what I've been up to since June 2008, then feel free to rummage through my Twitter timeline ( http://twitter.com/darthcueball ). You won't find many things of interest, but at least I'm consistent with updating it!

I'll be blogging more often starting Tuesday (day after Labor Day '09). Now that I know I can blog with my Blackberry, there's much to say!

Follow me:

Twitter.com/darthcueball

Or

Facebook.com/darthcueball

Blog ya later!

ENOUGH, HOLLYWOOD!!!!!!!! JUST STOP!!!!!!

2008-06-14T21:25:00.002-04:00

One evening, I was sitting on my couch when a commercial came on. In this commercial, the beautiful Liv Tyler was in an old house all alone, and suddenly people break in and try to kill her. It looked VERY scary.

This was before I watched the movie and realized that I had been tricked by Hollywood yet again. I know I swore that it would never happen again, after the debacle that was: The Village, but here I was once again, leaving a theater with the taste of bile on my tongue.

See, here's what happens (I'm going to spoil you so that you do not waste your time or money on this crapfest):

Liv and this other guy are a couple who just attended a wedding. They got into a fight and decide to stay at his father's old house. Once they get there, the guy leaves to go do something (they never made this clear), so Liv is all alone in the house.

Suddnly, this girl keeps knocking on the door asking if someone named Tamra is there. Liv shouts "No! And it's 3 in the morning!" and the girl is all like "Okay..." and walks off. A short while later, the girl knocks again and again, Liv tells her no.

Then, for the next 45 minutes, random scary people with scary masks walk behind Liv, but she never sees them, and when she turns around, they are no longer there (like the Boo ghosts in Super Mario Brothers). This happens (literally) about 19 times. Then, her man comes back and the same thing happens to him for about 15 minutes. They cannot seem to see the killers, and the killers seem to have teleportation powers.

Finally, her man goes outside to see what a noise was, and when he doesnt come back, Liv decides that it's a good idea to go out there and see what happened. She is trying to be all stealthy, but manages to step on and crack every twig between the front door and the end of the yard. She then gets scared and goes back, only to be followed by the scary vanishing killers again.

Five more minutes.....blah blah blah.....the killers capture and tie up her and her man. Liv asks them not to kill them. The killers stab the man in the stomach, then poke her with the knife. Then they take off the masks and walk away. They tell each other it will be easier next time. Then a little while later, this boy on a bike comes in and sees the bodies of Liv and her man. Suddenly, Liv wakes up and screams and it goes off.

WHAT?!

Ok, so I fumed and thought about that movie, and it just made me angry! The commercial made it look SO good, yet it sucked ass.

Then another commercial came on! This one was for The Happening. It looked VERY scary! People killing themselves, laying under lawnmowers, leaping from buildings, stabbing themselves with hatpins, etc.

This one CAN'T be bad! Ok, yeah - I was wrong. I'm going to spoil you on this one too:

X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X
X

The thing that makes people want to kill themselves?

Grass.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen - it's grass. Grass thinks that there are too many humans on the land, so they release a toxin that makes us want to kill ourselves if we breathe it in.

There's really no need to give details because that's the entire movie right up there. Grass kills people.

"............"

AGAIN - the commercial made it look awesome, and the movie sucked like a Hoover!

Dear Hollywood - stop making shitty movies, and then trick us into going to see them. Perhaps if you would spend more time focusing on the quality of movies that are coming out (and stop remaking every damn cartoon and TV show from the 70's and 80's).......and also stop trying to stop anti-piracy, when in fact you should be grateful that people would even want to watch this crap - then people would actually enjoy your movies.

Oh, and M. Night Shamalan (or however you spell it) - please just stop. Your movies are NOT edgy. Your movies are NOT artsy or clever. They are shit.

Thanks.

Camden Park: Amusement Park of DOOM!!!!

2008-06-07T18:55:00.002-04:00

Today was a blast! I took Jacob to Camden Park (the yee haw park I talked about in last week's blog). My niece, Emilee, and nephew, Nick, went as well. It was freaking HOT, however. The temperature was right at 100 degrees for most of the day.

When we first arrived, I walked up to the ticket counter and told them that I needed some tickets. The woman looked at me and said "You can't come in here!". I was confused. "Um...excuse me." I replied. She then informed me that it was a special day for King's Daughter's Medical Center and that only family members were allowed in. I looked her square in the eye.

"Ma'am? First off, there was nothing on the front page of your website when I checked it for pricing this morning. Second, I drove all the way from Saint Albans so that my son could have fun. There are no signs at the main gate about the park being closed to the public, so I think that you need to let me in."

After staring at me for like 5 seconds, she decided to let the four of us in.

Jacob has never been to any type of park like this before, so I was praying that he wouldn't be scared of everything. To my surprise, it was the opposite! He stared at all the rides with big eyes and asked to ride nearly everything!!!

First, we rode the bumper cars:

...and of course, since this park is in West Virginia, you always get a fat redneck in your picture. It never fails.

I know in this pic, it looks like there are only like eleven people there, but believe me - it was freaking packed! I would almost guarantee that there were at least 2,000 people there! All of the lines were pretty long, and you had to practically shove people out of your way to get through. There was also a band playing on the midway, and they had this skinny, redneck woman with gigantic hairspray poofed hair singing "My Girl". Apparently, it was also gay pride day at Camden Park.

We then rode the Whip, and the Scrambler. Jacob LOVED the rides! He literally giggles the entire time on each one. I was having more fun watching his reactions that I was on the rides. He even rode the Haunted House ride! We rode every ride there except for the Big Dipper (the wooden coaster i talked about the other day - remember? The one that falls apart while you're on it.) and something called Kite Flyers. This ride requires that you lay on your belly while the ride flings you into the air. Um.....no. I am not placing my son on that one.

Even Emilee getting sick on the merry-go-round couldn't stop the fun! We rode the log ride, played some carnival games, and....well, we just had a great day! We did end up leaving a little early due to the 100 degree weather, but like I said - it was awesome, and I loved watching my son have a blast! I love you, Jacob!!!

OBAMAOWANGE!!!!!!

2008-06-05T12:46:00.004-04:00

Finally! After months of waiting! Hillary has dropped out of the race for the Presidency of the United States. THANK GOD! I mean, I'm not sexist, and am looking forward to a competent woman running our country someday. However, if she had won, and I would've had to look at her ghastly face for 4 years, I would've shot myself in the face. I hate her face. I hate her voice. I hate her retard husband. I hate the fact that she uses two L's in Hillary. Ugh! Die bitch!

So yeah, I'm definitely voting for Obama. After 8 years of Bush-tardism, and this AWESOME recession that we're in (again, thanks Dubya!), I think that it's time for some change. McCain seems like Bush 2.0, only older and he waivers more on his beliefs.

Well, actually, Im totally lying. More than likely, I won't vote, but if I was going to, I would so vote for Obama!

Aliens Amongst Us Probably Maybe

2008-06-01T23:46:00.002-04:00

For all of the people who followed me here from MySpace, welcome! I'm not going into details as to why I left MySpace. Just know that it was after much thought, and well.....I'm just tired of the drama.

So anyway, in case you've been under a rock for the past 3 days, apparently some guy held a press conference (yet he banned the public from it) and claimed that he has video proof that will document that alients exist. Surprisingly, no leaked copies of the video has made it to the Internet. However, one guy has a still image that he posted. I found it interesting.

Creepy!!! The man who took the video claimed that he heard noises, and saw something at his window. He got his cam, turned on the night vision lens, and voila' - this is what he saw.

Of course, many parodies have already hit the Net, so I wanted to share some with ya! Below you will find some YouTube videos that either mock the alien video, or show how easily a video could be made. The video with the window panes was made by a college student who had access to movie editing software.

Perhaps the film isn't real. What if it is? I'm the type of person that doesn't like to be told something...and then info is kept from me. I want to see the damn film!!!!!

Oh well. Until then, I'm going to pretend that all aliens look like this one:

Later!!!

5/31/2008

2008-06-01T21:19:00.003-04:00

Greetings everyone!

I know you've been dying to read more of my insightful blabberings on anything I can think of, so I thought I'd oblige and give a quick editorial on Summer 2008!

First off, can you freaking believe the gas prices?! $4.09 for a gallon of gas? That's ridiculous! It now costs more to put ONE gallon of gas in your tank than it does to buy a combo meal at McDonald's. Oh, and don't think I didn't notice the slight raise in price for all of the food at the grocery store! Milk is almost at $5 a gallon! So stupid! You'd think stores would realize that if they want more money, they should lower the prices on certain things - which in turn would cause us to by MORE, which would leave us with a little extra money - which we would then spend on other things in your store.

Idiots.

Anyway, I'm not going to rant about gas. I'm sure you have enough whining of your own over that.

No. Instead, I'm going to give a rundown of super-fun things you can do this summer!!!!

Forecasters are saying that this summer will be a scorcher! So spend those hot summer days doing one of the following:

First off, there's the long-time favorite: AMUSEMENT PARKS!!! There are plenty of places to visit in this country! Many parks are within the 4-hour-drive range. Of course, with current gas prices, you need to factor in an extra $1500 to your vacation budget.

Anyway, out of all of the parks I've ever been to, Cedar Point is definitely the best! There are TONS of rides, shows and water parks to play around on! Cedar Point also holds the World Records for several of their coasters! Many coasters go so high, that it takes FOREVER to glide down the hill! Here we see the Millenium Force coaster. It is huge (as you can tell by this side by side comparison of the coaster and the Cloverfield monster):

Or you could venture to King's Island, and ride the many rides. They also have licensing to have all of the Paramount Studio rides, characters and shows. If you're into that crap, King's Island is more for you. Also, I think the Brady Bunch filmed an episode there. You haven't lived until you sit in The Beast cart where Peter Brady farted.

OR - you could go the ghetto route and visit WV's own Camden Park. Yes, Camden Park: the vast (not!) amusement park with approximately ZERO fun rides, and several rides that look like they are going to fall apart if a stiff wind blows. NOTHING will scare you more than getting on the Big Dipper coaster, and looking over the side of the cart as you climb to the top of the large hill. Looking down, you see boards that have fallen off of the coaster. Yes, that's right - ACTUAL PIECES OF THE ROLLER COASTER FALL OFF and they're right there where you can see them.

Yikes!

They have many carnival rides, such as the Spider. Observe the comparison of the size of the Spider to these two fat women:

Notice that there are several people standing around the base of the ride, and no one appears to be on it. That's because either:

A. someone fell off of the ride and was injured, holding up the "fun" for everyone else

or

B. every person on the ride fell asleep and slumped over, down into the cart and just out of view.

Honestly, I wouldn't choose ANY of these options. You're not only going to have to pay $1500 in gas to get to any of these places....but you're going to pay at LEAST $44 at either King's Island or Cedar Point PER PERSON......or you can pay $22 at Camden Park to get yourself killed on one of their death traps.

Yikes!

Looks like we'll all be staying in our houses - A/C blasting - and watching Election 2008 coverage (By the way - VOTE OBAMA!!!!!!!)

So anyway - here's a Jake Update!

His Pokemon collection has grown to like 150 Pokemon! It just won't stop! Everytime we go to a store, he sweet talks me into letting him get more. He now has playsets, stuffed animals, and plans to have his bedroom at my new place done ENTIRELY in Pokemon! Yowza!!

My parents also bought a mini toolbox for him, so he's going through random nail pounding phases! Here are some pics:

He is awesome! After he gets a little more practice, I'm going to have him build a sunroom on my new house.

We've also gone to Chuck E Cheese's a lot lately. He loves the games there! Over the past 3 weeks, we've been there twice. We've also gone bowling.

He'll be out of school in 4 1/2 days and the SUMMER BEGINS!

Our first "trip"?

To Camden Park.

O_O

Next in my brain, I wanted to share this billboard with everyone. I know I shouldn't laugh when I see it, but I can't help myself. If you want to see the actual board, it's near Value City in Saint Albans.

On this billboard, we read "RAPE: DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO GET HELP?"

Then we see three women and a guy in a wheelchair. Wait - what? A guy in a wheelchair?! What the?!?! They SO took a stock photo for some other PSA and used it for this billboard. Why would you show an old man in a wheelchair on an ad for rape?! Ew.

In closing, I give this advice: instead of wasting your money on amusement parks and/or gas, simply steal a shopping cart and you and your friends push each other around the town in it. Even if you're caught, the fine and jail time will still cost you LESS than the gas and admission to any of the parks.

$22 for Camden Park?! RIPOFF!!!

Ugh!

Well, it's freakin' hot, so Jake and I shall go chow down on some Flav-O-Ice popsicles!!!

Try not to be too jealous.

PWNT!!!

5/20/2008

2008-06-01T21:19:00.001-04:00

Ever feel like you want to rip someone's head off?

I feel like that a lot lately. Some people get on my last nerve, and I truly wish I could do something like they do in Warner Bros. cartoons, like drop an anvil on that person's head, or paint a tunnel on a brick wall and have them run as fast as possible into it until they are crushed into a paper thin sheet.

I've had so many great weeks lately, however, that the suckage is outweighed. I'm 99% certain that I sold my house. Actually, I sold it twice. Let me explain:

I put my house up for sale on Tuesday, May 6. On May 6 and 7, I had ELEVEN phone calls about it (because I placed it in the free Ad Bulletin magazine). I shoed it 6 times on the evening of the 7th, and that night, I had a phone call from a young couple who informed me that they wanted it. I was shocked! They seemed adamant, and told me that they would check on a loan the next day.

Five minutes later, ANOTHER couple called me and told me that they were already pre-approved for a loan and that they wanted to get the house ASAP.

I let each couple know that the other couple was wanting the house, and it became a mad rush to see who could get to me with a contract first. In the end, the original couple's loan fell through, so the second couple is in the final stages of getting the house.

So in summary, I sold my house in less than 48 hours. Screw real estate agencies! I set up the appointments, showed the house, made brochures and BAM - had it sold in less than 2 days.

I didn't tell anyone (aside from my sisters and my parents) because....well frankly, it's no one's business. So hopefully, I'll have everything wrapped up and will be moved out just in time for.....

.....my new job! I have my final state exam this Friday morning, and after that's completed, I'll be ready to start my new job! I'm really excited about it! Most people cringe when they think that they will be selling insurance, but I'm looking forward to it! I loved selling things to people when I was working for AllHell, and now I'll be able to do it without the drama and lardass micro-management. I will also be able to set my own schedule once I start and get the hang of it, so that means I'll be able to continue spending lots of time with Jacob.

Jacob is so amazing. Let me say this, and I do not care who knows it:

Let's say that I'm given the chance to go back and redo everything with a different reality from the past 10 years...........I still wouldn't do it, because that means I wouldn't have Jacob. I would still go through all of the drama and other random shit just so that I could have Jacob again. I have NEVER loved a person so much. I would give my life for my son.

I'll also be so bold as to say that I'm a damn good father. I would wager that 99% of the men in the world - were they to be placed in my situation - they would've packed their shit up and moved away like they wanted to. No one really understands how badly I want to move to NYC. I can't explain it. I feel like I'm supposed to be there. BUT - I have to put everything on hold because of Jacob. I do not hold any regret or anger against him for it. It's not his fault that he was born into such a shitty situation! But I'll tell you what: that boy means more to me than anything else on this planet.

I buy him things, play with him, sing songs, tell jokes, wrestle and have fun......but when it all comes down, the best feeling in the world is when he comes up and randomly tells me "Daddy? You're the best dad in the world!" I smile and rub his hair and say "And you're the best son in the world!". Nothing else matters.

When he says that to me, in that moment - there is nothing negative in my life. For those few seconds, I don't have ulcerative colitis. My vision is perfect. I have no other health problems. I hate no one. I'm in perfect zen.

All of the crap that I have to put up with and the realization that I'm stuck in this hell hole for at least 5 more years fades away when I look into his hazel eyes and see the gears of his little brain turning.

God, I love him! :)

Kiss my ass, naysayers.

5/10/2008

2008-06-01T21:18:00.001-04:00

Years ago, when Pokemon first came out, several ministers would come to my old church and go on and on about how evil they were. I never really paid attention as to why they were so evil, but I just let it be programmed into my head that my kids couldn't play with them.

Many years have passed, and when my son's friends would talk about it at school and he would come home, I realized that "because I said so" wasn't good enough.

I checked into this "demonic" brand of toys on my own, and snickered to myself. Obviously, another instance of people "spreading the gospel" when in actuality, they are spreading their own stupidity.

Anyway, to make a long story short: I've let Jacob start playing with Pokemon.

The only "evil" thing about Pokemon is how it takes over the kid's brain. They want EVERY toy! They want EVERY video game! They want to watch EVERY cartoon episode!! It's kinda creepy! lol

SO - I promised Jake that I would post a pic of his Pokemon collection so far. Remember: he's only been into Pokemon for 2 weeks, and he already has SIXTY figures! O_o

He also has both DS games that I downloaded from a rom site.

Old: Chunky Star Wars - New Hotness: Pokemon

Behold the start of Jacob's Pokemon collection. You'd be amazed at how many of these things there are to buy! X_X

Like I said, he already has 60! Here are his favorites! They go everywhere he goes (except for school). They go in the bathtub, in the car, to my mom's house, to his bed, etc.

I guess in a way the ministers were correct. They do possess my wallet! >: |

MUST BUY EVERY POKEMON!!!!!!!!!!

I'll keep you all updated on my own adventures soon! I'm selling my house! I have a state exam for selling life insurance!! Jake and I have a vacation coming up!!!!

Stay tuned! I know you're dying from anticipation!!!

*weeps*

4/19/2008

2008-06-01T21:17:00.001-04:00

Hey guys!

Jacob and I had a great day today! We went to the Clay Center in Charleston, which is basically a giant building with tons of science experiments and gizmo playcenters for kids. Gayle and Morgan went with us, and I think we had more fun that Jacob did! We played with the experiments and made messes at the playcenters. Jacob and I even made a stop-motion movie where a Lego man was run over by a car.

We learned about rocks, water, sand, tornados, the human body, sound waves, lasers, pulleys, magnets, and much more. We also saw snakes, tarantulas, turtles, hissing cockroaches and rats.

Here are some pics of what we did:

A tarantula. Needless to say, I didnt spend too much time near it. I hate spiders. This one was right beside the hissing cockroaches, and I think it was just sitting there staring at them, hoping that one of them would somehow get into it's cage so it could eat one.

Jacob pushed his face against the "Wall of Nails" and made this faceprint. You can't tell in the pic, but in real life, it looked just like him! That thing was creepy! Morgan and I made faces in it too, and it would show your face if you frowned or looked angry.

Morgan held this snake. She is braver than I. Get that thing away from me!!!!

With this experiment, the tube was barely sticking out of the wall. You grab it and pulll. Once it's at its full length, you learn that's how long your long intestine is. GROSS!!!! Then you have to push it back into the person.

Jake had a blast here! It's set up like an underground mine, and there are tons of water and sand experiments here! Here we see Jake turning a wheel, which works a large water conveyor belt, which then splashes water all over the room.

Jake took a seat in the pulley chair, and managed to pull himself all the way to the top! He's strong!

At this station, you used mirrors and metal surfaces to reflect laser beams all through the mist.

More lasers! This one allowed you to play different musical notes as you brushed your hand between the lasers on this harp.

You can't see it well in this pic, but when you pulled the rope, this station made a giant soap-film curtain that you could blow bubbles with. I could get my bubbles to go all the way to the back curtain. Jacob and Morgan had fun blowing against the curtain until it popped!

This map had View Masters that you could look into and see different landmarks across the nation. Kinda boring, but Jake liked it.

Turn the wheel, move the fan, blow the sand, and find the hidden city in this desert! The skull was from a previous patron who didn't obey the "do not touch the glow rocks" rule.

Glow rocks!!! The glow on these rocks are from actual minerals. Or at least that's what they told us. For all I know, it was just paint.

We had a great time!!!!!

Oh, and before we left, they had a craft station where you could make something! Jacob decided to make a caterpillar, and Morgan made a.........volcano with eyes???

After the Clay Center, Gayle and Morgan went home, and Jacob and I headed to the mall. While we were there, we shopped and ate. Jacob decided he wanted a new Build a Bear, so we went in and came back out with this:

Meet George. He's a koala that we stood in line for an hour for. It was worth it, though, b/c we had a lot of fun laughing and picking out the clothes that he would wear. BTW - in case you didn't know, the Build a Bear clothes are MORE than the actual bear itself. In fact, I paid more for the Build a Bear's clothes than I did my last two shirts COMBINED!!!!

It was such a cool day, that Eliza from Survivor: Micronesia couldn't even believe it!

So don't hate. Jacob and I had a great time and had a better day than you.

PEACE!!!!!

4/12/2008

2008-06-01T21:16:00.002-04:00

Wow.

As Jacob falls asleep in his room, I'm sitting here in amazement that he is seven already. Where did the time go?! I remember when we first brought him home from the hospital! It seems like only a few hours ago. He was so small!

Now he's seven, taller, and mouthy. He's my Mini-Me, and I love him more than anything on this planet!

So here's a quick story of how his day went, and how I almost ruined the birthday cake!!

Alrighty, so first off, I went birthday shopping for Jacob a couple of weeks ago. He was with me, so he got to pick everything that he wanted. However, he wanted a chunky Star Wars Jabba the Hutt playset. No store had it, and it was going for $200 on eBay!!! Luckily, I found one for only $40 and was able to give it to him. He flipped out! He was so excited that he and Kristen played Star Wars for FOUR HOURS!

Anyway - so last night, I decided that I was going to make his birthday cake. I went with a Super Mario theme, because he loves the games and that character. I bought red hats for him and his guests, but I made his a different color red, and he had a white and red cloth "M" on his (his was special since he's the birthday boy).

I also decided that I would make several mini games for the boys to play (like the Mario Party games). I drew this poster freehand and used it for them to play "Pin the Mustache on Mario"

Once everyone arrived, I also used makeup to paint Mario mustaches on the boys:

Now any normal person would've just stopped right there with the Mario stuff - but not I. I thought to myself "You know what? I'm gonna make Jacob's birthday cake and shape it into Mario's hat. Then I'm gonna put red icing on it! It will be the best cake ever!"

So, after a trip to the store, I came home with three boxes of cake mix and everything else I needed to make this master cake. How hard could it be? I mean, if Sandra Lee can throw a bunch of shit into a bowl, stir it, and add an egg, and it comes out being this delicious dish, then SURELY I could do the same with this cake!

Oooooh boy....

So anyway, following the directions on the box, I started to mix the cake batter:

It hit me at that point that I had no idea what I was doing. I ended up making three 9x9 cakes, cut them into the shape of Mario's hat, and then added the icing. The shaping part wasn't hard.....it was the icing. See, apparently when you have to keep adding red food dye to white icing in order to make it red enough to use for Mario's hat.....well, it turns into this red, slimey gravy. As I put the icing on the cake, it oozed everywhere.

I fought with the damn cake for almost 90 minutes! Frustrated to no end, I finally put everything in the fridge and went to bed at 2am......only to be awakened at 6am by Jacob's friend who had come to a sleepover. Ricky and four hours of sleep do NOT mix!!!

I decided to let my mom try to save my cooking disaster before the party. Luckily, she knew what she was doing and was able to make it look a bit better.

Yes, I know the top of the hat is crooked, and yes, I know that it's not perfect, but you know what? I wanted to make it for Jacob, and I did. At least I tried.

However, if it tells you anything, even *I* wouldn't taste it. Everyone else ate it and said that it was great, but I think they were lying because they all lined up for the bathroom immediately after eating it.

Jacob then opened his gifts (and then realized that I was the only one who bought gifts for him. Everyone else gave him money and hel eft the party with $155!!!!)

Then he and his friends played around for a bit, argued with my mom, got into fights, whined and cried, laughed, chased each other, dropped pizza onto the floor, fought some more and then left.

It was a fun party, but WAY too chaotic for me.

After we came home and rested for a bit, I took him to Toys R Us, where he spend $20 and then complained that he was going through his money too fast.

Tightwad!! LOL!!!

We came home, he got out EVERY Star Wars and Superhero action figure that he owns and played with them for hours until he crashed from the exhaustion of the day.

All in all, I had a blast, regardless of the monster cake. Luckily, I didn't have to bring it home because my nephew took the entire thing home with him. THANK GOD!!!

So even my cooking couldn't ruin Jake's day of fun. My son is awesome. I am the luckiest man on the planet since I have Jacob Alexander Cline as my son.

I love you, Jakers!!!!!

4/7/2008

2008-06-01T21:16:00.001-04:00

Ah, such a beautiful day! It’s sunny and warm. The birds are singing, and the children are playing outside! Can life get better than this?

I’m not sure, but I do know that instead of being outside enjoying the day, I spent the day in my basement with a Roto-Rooter guy unclogging a drain.

See - Jake has pretty much mastered the skill of wiping his own ass, but he still uses wipes from time to time. That word "flushable" that’s on the front of the carton? It’s a lie.

Here’s what happened:

My mom noticed a bit of water on the basement floor when she was here last Thursday. It was barely there, but she suggested that I not do laundry until they could come back over this week and check it out.

I stupidly forgot what she said. So there I was: happily tossing some towels in the washer. I turned the machine on, filling it with water. Then I remembered, that I needed to wash Jacob’s jeans instead, since he only had one pair left to wear to school. I’m not sure why, but I twisted the knob to let the water out of the washer instead of just taking the towels out and putting the jeans in.

Well, as the water escaped from the washing machine and poured into the draining sink next to it, I heard this loud gurgle. The next thing I know, my basement has transformed into the garbage compactor scene from the original Star Wars.....except it wasn’t trash. It was giant globs of baby wipes. It looked similar to this, except I wasn’t wearing a Stormtrooper outfit at this time:

It was pretty revolting. And it wouldn’t stop gushing. It was like the sewer version of Old Faithful decided that it wanted to come for a visit. I couldn’t believe my eyes (or my nose), but luckily I was able to get everything to safety before the 4-foot radius nasty puddle got to anything.

A phone call and $150 later, everything was fine again. The Roto-Rooter guy came, unclogged the drain pipe with a 100ft. metal snake auger, and then left - leaving me with a soggy pile of "flushable" baby wipes and what appeared to be an avocado to clean up.

GROSS!!!

I cleaned everything up, went to the store and bought some special floor cleaner for basements, and finally managed to make everything right with the world again!! Now my basement is clean, and it smells like tropical-fresh cleaner, mixed with an apple-scented candle, and maybe just a small bit of vomit that may or may not have come from me when I saw the baby wipe sprinkler explode from my drain.

Ugh!!!!

Thank God I had the basement! If not, everything would’ve happened in my shower! At that point, I would’ve reinacted the scene from Psycho in which the lady is killed by Norman Bates. But instead of Norman Bates, it would’ve been a sentient pile of "flushable" baby wipes.

Up yours, Pampers! Damn you and your "flushable" Kandoo baby wipes! You owe me $150!

4/5/2008

2008-06-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

I just received a letter from Workforce WV that Alltel has failed to provide sufficient evidence that I did anything unethical or against policies, and thus they are ordered to pay me unemployment until I find another job.

Also - I am currently taking a study course which will license me for life and health insurance. Then, I shall find a job in that field.

So a hearty KISS MY ASS, ALLTEL to Alltel.

4/3/2008

2008-06-01T21:14:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to post a pic of the insane line that was at the Nitro Pilot station today when I stopped to fuel up.

All other stations went up to like $3.55, but Pilot stayed at $3.17.

The line wen out into the main road, and was backed up the Interstate exit ramp!!!

Insane!!

Oh, and I just saw a commercial on Nickelodeon where they are selling butterflies for $30. Yes, butterflies for THIRTY DOLLARS!!

Are you kidding me? How retarded is this? The kit includes a tiny mesh "cage", a plastic cup with 5 caterpillars in it.....and that’s it.

So basically, you’re paying $30 for a tiny mesh clothes hamper, and Tupperware cup, and 5 caterpillars that you could easily find on the sidewalk in front of your house.

I would love to see how much money the guy who thought this up is making b/c of retards who are buying it.

IDIOTS!!!

The moral of today’s blog is: People like to line up for 1/2 a mile to get gas AND stupid people will pay $30 for butterflies that you raise and then release into the wild - just like FREE butterflies.

DUR!!!

3/22/2008

2008-06-01T21:00:00.002-04:00

As some of you may have heard, I was fired from Alltel for leaving a receipt in a trash can. Yes, that’s right, a receipt with NO customer information (aside from a name) on it. No phone number, no account number, etc.

SO - now that I’m finally free of that place, I thought it would be good to just air out everything that has happened there over the past year or so. I won’t name names to protect myself from drama-lawsuits. Those who need to know names, will know who I am talking about. I’m just tired of everyone not knowing what happened.

Anyway - when I was ASM, the manager of Logan was fired. I was sent to cover that place, and did so happily, for 2 or 3 months. I had a good time while I was there - but as you know, my stomach illness isn’t good for me when I have to drive over an hour ONE WAY to work. The VP and RSM wanted to offer the management position to me. I explained to them that while I love the Logan team, and the store, I didn’t know that my medical condition would let me make that drive everyday. I also explained that I had medical reasons in a letter from my doctor. Well, the VP basically told me that they would pretty much ignore the letter, and that they would not keep offering me new positions if I was using my medical condition as a crutch.

After a week or so, I decided to take Logan. So, I became manager there. I loved it! I had a blast with the people who worked there, and even though it was Hee Haw all the way, it was by far my favorite place that I worked at while I was with Alltel.

Well, one of the reps who was hired just before I was set in as manager was a horrible employee. She would not sell. She would not work. I had to put her on a write up. MEANWHILE - after I had been in Logan for a month, the manager of the Kanawha City and Teays Valley stores put his notice in because he was transferring!!! This would be a MUCH closer drive for me (15 minutes compared to an hour and 15 minutes).

We had a staff meeting the next day, and the literal MOMENT that I walked up to the others, the RSM smirked and told the KCity/Teays manager to tell me the news. I was told that he was leaving. Before I could say ANYTHING - the RSM smirked again and said "And this isn’t something that we’ll be moving you into. It was definitely bad timing on your part." (He said this in front of everyone)

"..........."

Are you kidding me? I just freaking told you that I have a medical condition that isn’t good for me when I have to be trapped in a car - and you’re making me stay in Logan when there are stores available that are 15 minutes from my house?!

I was pissed. I don’t remember even talking the rest of the day at that meeting.

Well, one of the big things with Alltel is "Respect and Inspiration". Our HR rep told us that if we ever felt disrespected by our RSM, then we should tell her.

I tried to call her, but reception at the Logan store was bad, so I sent her a lengthy email explaining what had happened, and how I was told that I had bad timing. I also reminded her of my condition and also told her that I didn’t feel respected at all by basically being humiliated in front of the other managers.

Remember the rep who sucked? Well, it was at this time that the HR rep decided to send her write up to me. When a manager receives a write up form, the RSM must receive a copy also.

The HR replied to my email and sent the write up form to me. She copied the RSM on it.

Yes, that’s right ladies and gentlemen - the HR had just sent EVERYTHING that I had said about the RSM directly to his inbox.

I received a phone call an hour later stating what she had done, and that she had already called the RSM and told him there was to be no retaliation.

That’s when it all started.

A week later, the RSM called me and told me to apply for the KCity/Teays position, and that he had been trying to get me there all along. I just needed to have patience (bullshit!).

Flash forward a few weeks, and I’m in KCity/Teays! I have a new team, and I’m ready to go! We’re doing better in accessory and data sales than the previous manager, and we’re all happy.

I start to notice that when I’m at one store, the RSM always shows up at the other one. He’s also asking them questions like "Does Ricky do this...or that...?"

I do a pretty decent job of keeping up on the paperwork associated with the manager’s job. There are a few things that I’d slack on because I would spend a LOT of my time out on the floor with my team. A LOT. Probably far more than any of the other managers, aside from Brent (who manages Ashland). In fact, I will be so bold as to say that I helped my reps with 75% of their sales. I would always talk to customers and keep them happy. Then I would pass them off to my reps to ring up the sales.

I’m usually 2nd or 3rd on the scorecard out of the market, and in my opinion, my team was doing pretty good. Not the best, but not the worst by any means.

Well, the RSM suddenly turns into this crazed Hitler-esque person. He demands text message sales updates from the managers, even when we’re off. I eventually made a comment along the lines of "When I’m off, I’m off" and it was met back with "I can’t believe that as managers, you all do not care about what’s going on in your stores 24/7." In fact, the policies stated that the managers were off on the weekend, and that ONE manager was on call.

Well, around this time is when I’m preparing to go through my divorce. I have pressure from that (not knowing if I was gonna get screwed over), added to constant pressure to send text message updates at any random time of the day, added to trying to make certain that I meet my quotas, added to trying to make certain that all of my reps are making their numbers so they can make enough money to live, etc.

Normal life stress, I know. But I can’t handle shit like that. My mind and body literally buckle and I lose it.

While I was in freaking NEW YORK CITY - I get a text message from the RSM wanting an update. I had to call my damn store and get an update WHILE I WAS ON VACATION IN BROOKLYN! Insane. I also received text messages basically telling me that I was a crappy manager, and that my team was a complete failure, and that we suck at selling car chargers (I’m not making that up).

When I get back, all the managers get word that one of the Alltel bigwigs will be in town, and that we all need to make certain that the stores look nice and presentable.

I made certain that KCity was ready to go, and headed to Teays that morning to prepare. Well, I had a new hire there, and one other rep, so I’m trying to help the new hire with her training, and make certain that the rep knows what she’s doing for the day. All the while, I’m running the vaccum and cleaning stuff up - when lo and behold at exactly 10:00, here comes the RSM, the VP and the bigwig. No heads-up call.

He walks in and sees me with a vaccum on the floor and we just opened. Some trash had blown down from the Subway deli shop, and the RSM stomped outside and starts picking it up.

I didn’t get a heads-up call, but all of the other managers did. Nice!

A week later, the RSM meets me at the KCity store and asks to see me in my office. He whips out these papers and tells me that he’s putting me on a written warning, and also on a management improvement plan (even though I was 2 on the scorecard). He told me to my face that I spent too much time sitting around in my office (????) and that I didn’t care about my reps.

First off, I was rarely in my office. Second, how the hell would HE know? When he knew I was at one store, he’d purposely go to the other to avoid me!

I signed the papers and was in shock. I couldn’t believe him.

There were also times that I would call to ask his override on something or a customer issue. He would tell ME no, but I know for a fact that other managers asked the EXACT same of him, and he told them yes.

So anyway, my divorce was finally over, and I only had my son 3 days a week. A lot of things that had me under stress were over, but if you know me - my body never reacts WHILE I’m going through something. It ALWAYS flares up afterwards.

Around mid-October, my body starts acting up severely. I lose weight, I get sick and I’m constantly in the bathroom. I ended up using up all of my sick days and vacation days b/c of being sick. I keep working hard, and when I’m home, I keep myself stress free until I get my body back under control.

I’m actually starting to feel better, and things are starting to look up.

So, I decide to take Jacob to go see The Bee Movie on a Saturday. My parents were with us, and we were having a good time at the movie.

Suddenly, I get a text message from the RSM. It literally tells me that I’m a horrible manager, and that my team has failed him. I then receive another one that says that he didn’t get the sales updates and that he can’t believe that I’m not concerned about my stores. He also sames one of my reps and says that she’s horrible in her sales.

I LOST IT.

I grabbed my phone, told my mom to watch Jacob, and I stormed out of the theater.

I was planning on calling the RSM and telling him to f*ck off, and that he’s a horrible RSM. At that moment, I didn’t care if I was fired.

But as I walked through the theater door, I remembered my son, and realized that I couldn’t do that. However, I couldn’t handle this anymore. If I stayed in the manager position, and had to keep putting up with his insanity and harrassment (believe me, there’s WAY more that I’ve told you), I would’ve ended up in jail for punching him, or trying to strangle him.

I made a phone call to the HR rep - but there was no answer.

I finally snapped and called the VP (a sin to do on a Saturday, when he is off). I explained that I understood that he was off, but so was I, and I was receiving harrassing text messages while I’m trying to enjoy a movie with my son.

I told him that I couldn’t handle it anymore, and that I was tired of being harrassed. I made good money - but it wasn’t worth the stress! I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. EVERY SINGLE MANAGER WHO WAS HERE WHEN THE RSM STARTED LEFT, ASIDE FROM ONE WHO IS ONLY THERE TO GET PROMOTED. In fact, only a few weeks before I called the VP, another manager stepped down.

I told the VP that I wanted to step down and go back to being a sales rep. I was basically doing that job anyway, and passing the sales off. The salary was less, but after my commission was added into it, I would’ve been making right around the same amount. The VP agreed and told me that I could step down in a week.

I received a call from the RSM on Monday. He was trying to act as if he was concerned with my well-being, and making it look like he was sad that I was stepping down. Again - whatever, dude.

So, I stepped down and went back to being a sales rep.

That Wednesday (three days later) - we all reveice an email stating that we were being given a bonus for staying with Alltel during their "buyout" transition. The bonus was for being faithful DURING the transition.

Managers got $5000. Sales reps got $1000.

They decided to give me the $1000 bonus, and they gave the new manager who had only been manager of KCity/Teays for three days the $5000 bonus.

Excuse my language, but "WHAT THE F*CK?!"

That guy wasn’t faithful to keeping that store running! I was! I called the HR rep to dispute it, and received no reply. I called back the next day. No reply. Finally, on Friday, the HR rep called and said that the bonus would not change. Since my position officially changed three days earlier, I was not eligible for the $5000 "faithful" bonus.

Yet another slap in the face.

Then, my new manager at the Huntington store starts to talk to me. She tells me that she knows I’m unhappy there, and that I should probably start looking for another job. She even goes as far as telling me that she’s great friends with the manager of the upcoming VERIZON stores, and she even gives me her number. She tells me to contact her and try to get on there.

She also notices that I’m sick. She tells me that anytime I am sick, let her know, and I can be off. Just let her know.

Well, as I’m sick, and I call in, she starts running her mouth to other reps. She’s telling them that I’m lazy and I can never come in to work. She makes comments about other reps to me, and about how they complain, and that I shouldn’t have ANY conversations with them.

December seems to be ok.

January rolls around, and suddenly, I find myself in the manager’s office. The RSM is there too, and I’m on the speakerphone with the HR rep. They tell me that a customer called in and filed a complaint because someone gave out his personal information to his crazed mother.

Since they have me on the security cam talking with the mom, and explaining a bill, they assume it’s me. They had no proof that I gave her any personal info - but I couldn’t prove that I DIDN’T give it out. They put me on final written warning (even though I’ve never been written up before).

Basically what happened is that the mom came in screaming that her son was a liar and that he told her that she had to pay $300 on his bill for using up the minutes. I showed her how many minutes she had used, and explained that she DID use up the minutes. She wanted to cancel the line and I told her that she couldn’t because the account was in her son’s name. I ran her credit, and her daughter’s credit to see if they could open their own account, but they both had a deposit. At the end, on the cam, you see me hand a paper to her. Alltel insists that I gave her a full copy of the bill (on one sheet?!). I either gave her a rebate form for her phone, or I wrote the number of minutes that she used to show her that she DID use up the minutes.

While the RSM is in the store, he barely speaks to me - dodging eye contact even. The manager continues to be revealed as a back-stabbing, 2-faced gossip queen. I keep quiet and stay out of the fights amongst the other reps. I sell stuff and sit there.

Well, last Wednesday, while at work, I got hit with the flu. I literally fell asleep at my desk, and almost threw up in the trash. The other rep told me to go ahead and leave early.

I left, and as I did, I threw everything on my desk into the trash.

I was off Thursday and Friday. I went to work on Saturday, even though I was sick, and did pretty well.

When I go back into work on Monday, I find myself back in the office with the manager, the RSM and the HR rep on the phone. Apparently, the rep who covered my shift the next day went digging through the trashcan and discovered receipts. Again, the receipts do not have customer’s numbers or account numbers on them. Since the rep was trying to get the ASM position, she felt the need to brown nose and report this tragedy! Of course, the RSM was in the store that day.

They told me that I had violated the customer security guidelines, and that since I had been on final written warning, I was fired. I had been trying to fight the "final written warning", but the retarded HR rep never called me back.

I was finished. While sitting there, I realized that it would never change. Assholes would always be in management with that company, and that the company itself was a joke! They claim to be "secure" over customer info - yet they require us to write customer’s names, numbers and callback info in notebooks that we leave at our desks.

So I accepted the termination and went home.

Alltel can kiss my ass. I worked there for 4 years, and was always successful in what I put my hand to. I was one of the top 3 sales reps before I was moved into management. I was top 3 while manager. And if not for being screwed over in my commissions when I stepped down to sales rep, I would’ve been top 3 again more than likely. It was one thing after another, and they refused to listen to MY side, and help me. Instead, the RSM will continue to harrass people, and the manager is now quitting and moving on to another company. The brown nosing rep also didn’t get the RSM position, so thanks for nothing bitch!

So, I’m looking for a new job. I’ll find one, and will be all right. I’m not panicking at all. I had saved up a LOT of money. Enough for me to live comfy for 3 - 4 months if need be. I’m not killing myself to find another job. I’m looking at this as a blessing. Sure I do not have a job, and its the first time that I’ve ever been fired - but at least I’m not trapped within the management-joke that is: Alltel.

So, if you’re still reading this - thanks for listening. You may think that I’m whining and making a big deal out of little things - but it was all important to me, and it was NON-STOP over a year and half timeframe. If I had any type of concrete proof, I’d be in court, but alas - I don’t.

Oh well - I’m alive, I have my son, I’m selling my house and will be able to save up the money that I make at my new job. I just wanted this documented somewhere so that I could always remember what happened. Also - because people who still work there will no doubt hear that I was fired for stealing, or cursing out a customer, or something else that’s not true.

I was fired for leaving a receipt in the trashcan.

I’m fine.

:)

3/14/2008

2008-06-01T21:00:00.001-04:00

I know I’ve been pretty sick, and that perhaps the lack of food is messing with my mind - but have I gone through a time portal and am not aware? I’m laying on the couch, and am literally too weak to move, and then Entertainment Tonight comes on. They go on and on and on about Titanic, and how amazing it is. Um, yeah it was - ELEVEN YEARS AGO!!!

They had interviews with everyone, and talked about how great the story was, and how amazing the characters were.

Does anyone else think that this was a HORRIBLE story? And Im not even talking about all the death and frozen people!

Let me explain.

Ok, the story of the movie is about an old woman who is so feeble that her granddaughter has to take care of her non-stop. The grandaughter probably hasn’t been on a date, or had friends over in like 20 years, because let’s face it: who wants to smell old people all the time?

So anyway, when Bill Paxton comes and asks questions, the old woman is suddenly able to travel and gets excited to go on the boat. Si they go on the boat and spend days there listening to her digusting sexual stories about how she met this young guy named Jack, who was a homeless person, and fell in love. Well - the guy probably hasn’t had a bath in weeks, yet she forgets her prim and proper ways and has sex with him in a random car. Classy!

So eventually, the boat gets hit by an iceberg and it starts to sink. She leaves her rich lover and her MOM, to go be with Grossy Grosserson. Then they both fall in the water, he dies, she lives, and when she arrives in the U.S. days later, she discovers that she is wearing Jack’s coat, and the diamond that Bill Paxton is looking for has been in her pocket the entire time.

So flash forward to the present, where her granddaughter and Bill Paxton tuck her in her bed on the boat, and go have a bite.

Suddenly we see the old woman’s DISGUSTING wrinkled feet scurrying across the deck. She gets on the back of the boat, and "accidentally" drops the BILLION DOLLAR diamond into the water.

Then she goes back to her bed, and dies peacefully in her sleep.

WHAT A BITCH!!!!

Are you kidding me?! She’s mooched off of her granddaughter for years, and ruined her social life, and instead of giving the diamond to her so she could be set for life, she throws it into the ocean?! Then the shrivled skank dies, leaving her grandaughter in tears, and with all of her credit debt and bills to pay. Her granddaughter probably works at a convenience store too, so it’s not like she’s financially stable! Notw the grandaughter has tons of debt, a dead granny, and Bill Paxton probably ditched her b/c he was just trying to find the diamond.

Oh, and I bet a shark ate the diamond too on it’s way down to be with Jack.

PUH-LEEZE!!!! That granny was one selfish skank, and I wish that when she climbed onto the railing, she would’ve leaned over too far, toppling humorously into the ocean where she gurgled to death - and then when everyone comes out to see her drown, they realize that the diamond’s chain got twisted around the railing, and was there for them all to have and to live happily ever after.

Titanic my ass! That’s a horrible story! I don’t care how much reverb they slap onto Celene’s voice for that annoying song: the story was horrible! The granny was selfish, and deserved to die with Jack on that fateful night.

Hmph!!!

Up yours, Entertainment Tonight!!!!

3/13/2008

2008-06-01T20:59:00.000-04:00

So, its been a while since I posted anything of reading entertainment
vaule.  My past few blogs have basically been me whining about people
annoying me.  Oh wait - that’s how ALL of my blogs end up.

Oh well - if you don’t like it, don’t read it.

For those who are interested, I thought I’d ramble about several things
tonight, and basically give myself a brain dump.  It’s good to do that
every once in a while.  Rambling on and on for hours without making
any sense can be good for your soul, right Hillary Clinton?

So anyway, basically what’s going on is that certain people are
hindering me from leaving this state.  I can’t leave unless I want to go back
to court, blah blah blah, and its not worth putting Jacob through any
drama right now.  So, instead, I’m planning on selling this house as
fast as possible, and then moving to Hurricane.  I’m also thinking of
looking for a roommate.  Someone who is cool, and NOT annoying, and who
knows how to have a good time.  Oh, and who knows how to pay bills.  By
doing this, I will be able to have my own place, while also being able to
save up money, and then when Jacob is old enough to make up his own
mind, THEN I will get the hell out of here and head off to brighter,
greener pastures.  Yeah, it is frustrating that I cannot leave as I’ve been
planning on doing for the past NINE DAMN MONTHS, but alas, I must be
grown up about it and just go with the flow.  I’ll make it there in a
couple of years or so.

In other news, my parents and sister, Gayle, have been helping me clean
up, paint and redecorate my house so that I can get it on the market
and sell it fast!  Each day they are here, when they leave, it’s as if
I’m on an episode of "Trading Spaces".  The rooms look completely
different!  If not for the fact that I’m dead-set on moving, I would stay in
this house!  lol   It’s purdy!

Nothing else has been happening in my life.  Boring as always.  I’m
working almost everyday, and when I’m off, I feel sick and am so tired
that I just sit around the house.  I went outside with Jacob for about 20
minutes yesterday and felt as if I was about to explode.  I think its
funny that I used to be an outside person as a child, but once I became
a teenager, I started to hate the sun.  It’s like I’m a vampire or
something.


UPDATE - Ok, I’ve been throwing up like clockwork every 2 hours for the past 24 hours.
It’s really wierd too b/c I’m not eating, so God only nows what
I’m purging from my body.

Ugh!  I’ll finish this later when I’m not spewing!

3/3/2008

2008-06-01T20:57:00.002-04:00

Okay, for starters, I am sick and tired of people.
I'm tired of people who think they control me.
I'm tired of people being nice to my face, and then being rude behind my back.
I'm tired of people preaching at me.
I'm tired of people seeing me as a wallet.
I'm tired of people telling me what I will and will not do.
I'm tired of people babying me.
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of feeling trapped.
I'm tired of people trying to manipulate my son.

I'm tired of feeling trapped.

Trust me - you do not know everything about me.
Stop acting like you do.

2/25/2008

2008-06-01T20:57:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone, Jacob is back to let you know some stuff about my dad!

First off, he is bald. Sometimes he grows a little bit of hair, and he looks like a fuzzy peach. I always say "Daddy, you are fuzzy!" and then he will shave it slick bald. He looks like Mr. Clean.

Now I will type random faces and symbols, because I can do whatever I want:

+ ) * ( &^%$@!

Ok, either I typed symbols, or I'm saying bad words in a comic book.

Oh! Did you guys know that I have a Nintendo Wii? I am the best! So far, I have beaten my Dad at almost every game that we have! I even beat my PawPaw when we play golf! The other day, I even beat my loser cousin, Nathan! He sucks! He says that he beat me, but he is totally lying! I think his hair dye has soaked into his brain!

Now I will type words that do not mean anything because they aren't real:

flarble tooken grawftee plarp!!!!!!!!

Ok, so back to my babbling. I don't get Hannah Montana. Why is she so popular?? She has a big, goofy smile, and all of her songs suck! No one is fooled by her cheap wig! Shut up, Hannah!

And now, I will type numbers that I like:

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten

Ok everyone! Thanks for reading my blog that I hacked onto my Dad's MySpace to type! I'll start posting my own blogs on my MySpace as soon as I remember my password.

Also - don't tell my Dad that I typed this! If he finds out, he'll look like this:

Bye!!!

2/15/2008

2008-06-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

Wow - I've been blogging for 2 years! X_X

Oh well...

Remember my blog from a few weeks ago where I posted pics of cats and they had stupid sayings on them like "I can has cheeseburger?" and we all laughed? No? Well, *I* laughed.

Anyway, some geeks at Wikipedia are translating the ENTIRE Bible into LOLcatz language.

O_O

Apparently, what happened (depending on who you talk to) is that some Japanese person was trying to type in English, and add a phrase to a cat pic - but it didn't come out correctly.

Others say that its just Internet geeks explaining how they think cats think.

Regardless, it's funny.

Here's the real site: http://lolcats.com/

And here's Genesis:

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs

Audio Version (courtesy von Kempelen)

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1

6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.

14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.

20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.

24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.

26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

....and THIS gem from Song of Solomon 5:

Lover

1 I iz in teh gardin,
gatherin ur catnip
an eatin ur honey.
I drinkted mai milk too.

[edit] Friends

Yeah, u do dat,
drink all teh milk u wantz, d00dz.

[edit] Beloved

2 I sleepted but mai heart wuzint sleepin.
Mai lovr iz scratchin at teh door:
"O hai let me in,
mai pijin.
Mai head iz wet
an mai hair iz wet too LOL."
3 I iz naked -
duz i haz to get dresst?
I lickted mai pawz an dey iz clean
duz i haz to get dem dirty agan?
4 Mai luvr sticked hiz paw thru teh cat flap;
I gotted all excitid.
5 I got up to let him in,
mai handz smellded niec,
bcz i wuz wearin perfume,
i gotted it all ovr the dornob LOL.
6 I opended teh door,
but mai lovr had left; he wuz gon.
I feeld sad.
I lookd for him but i didint find him.
I wuz liek "Iz u dere?" but he didint ansr.
7 Teh police finded me
whiel dey wuz makin dere roundz.
Dey beated me up
an taked mai baffrobe,
dose copz!
8 Hey ladiez,
if u seez mai lovr
will u tel him sumthin?
Tell him i liekz him a lot.

[edit] Friends

9 Whatz so speshl about ur lovr,
pretti ladi?
Whatz so speshl about him,
dat shud maek us do u a favr liek dis?

[edit] Beloved

10 Mai lovr has glossi orinj stripez,
u can pik him out of a crowd.
11 Teh fur on hiz head iz yello;
it is long and wavi
an som of it iz blak.
12 Hiz eyes iz liek pijinz
splashin in teh watr,
soaked in milk,
an sittin on top of a piel of cat food.
13 Hiz cheekz is liek catnip
an dey smellz niec.
Hiz lipz iz liek flowrz
an dey smellz niec too.
14 Hiz legz haz goldn fur
wif striepz.
Hiz bodi haz whiet fur
wif stripez.
15 Hiz legz iz strong
an hiz pawz iz good-lookin.
He lookz liek Lebanon,
or maybi jus itz treez LOL.
16 Hiz mouth haz a flavor;
he'z realli hot.
Datz what mai lovr lookz liek,
ladiez

1/17/2008

2008-06-01T20:55:00.003-04:00

Welcome everyone!

For those who weren't already aware, I have been on vacation for a week in Pittsburgh. As I enter my final day here, I have decided to enter my memoirs via my Treo so that you can all read of my adventures. What follows is my review of Pittsburgh, PA. Take note. It may very well save your life someday.

OH - before I start, I wanted to let everyone know that a customer brought his pet monkey in to the store. No, not a Fur Real Friend monkey. An actual baby monkey:

Okay, first off - the person who told me that Pittsburgh was awesome is a freaking liar. Pittsburgh is, in fact, not awesome. It is tremendously boring. In fact, it's the first time EVER that I've left the state on vacation, and actually wished that I could drive back home. If I hadn't already reserved the room for the whole week, I would've come home.

New to driving, or really feel the need to follow road signs? Well, you are SOL in Pittsburgh! They have NO (no, as in ZERO) roadsigns. Ever hear of some of your hippie friends who are like "Dude! I'm totally gonna just get in my car, and flip a coin at each intersection. However the coin lands, that's where I'm going! Heads is left. Tails is right!" Well, prepare to play that game NON STOP in Pittsburgh.

Need to get to the local grocery store? You'd be better off closing your eyes, putting your car in neutral, and asking an entire preschool class to just shove your car down some random road. God forbid you need to go to the hospital!! You'll never find it! It's hidden.

In fact, the only thing that has any type of sign announcing where it is are the 40,000 malls that blanket the city. Now, let me inform you that in Pittsburgh, they use the term "mall" loosely. Two or more stores within 40 feet of each other creates a mall in Pittsburgh. No lie: there was a sign that a place called Parkway Mall was behind my hotel. I go there, looking for some good deals, but what do I find? EVERY store is closed, except for a KMart (in a mall?) and a pretzel store. I don't mean closed as in "closed for the day". I mean closed as in barricaded and police tape across the entry way. What the hell? That's not a mall!

I happened upon many malls by accident in 'U-Turn' incidents that I did quite often. Once, I realized that I was on the wrong road, so I turned around in this parking lot (also a mall) and it was EXACTLY like the little shopping plaza in Teays Valley (where they have the Subway, the pet store and Alltel). The sign made it look like it was some giant shopping utopia from Times Square. OH WAIT - they also had a Taco Bell. I was hungry, so I went through the drive through. Once I got up to the speaker, I noticed that they had a sheet of paper taped on the menu that stated that they were out of taco shells, tomatos and something else that I didn't even bother to read because I was in shock that they were out of taco shells. What?! How can a Taco Bell be out of shells? That's like the Gap saying "Hey everyone! We're out of clothes! Sorry!" Grrrrrr....

Oh, and that's not even the worst part!!!! Have you seen the commercials on TV for "Dave & Buster's"? They make it look like it's basically a bar with video games and great 'bar and grill' food that's for ADULTS ONLY!!!! Well, I ended up there (by accident, since I was actually trying to get to a different restaurant, got on the wrong road, and ended up there....????). I walked in and was excited to have an evening of partying and fun in this adult atmosphere.

Again - I had been deceived. It was nothing more than a Chuck-E-Cheese place without the Chuck-E-Cheese. The commercials made it out to seem like Hooter's with arcade games.....instead, it was a bunch of kids running around Billy Bob's Pizza Wonderland, which had a small bar in the middle of it. Yes ladies and gentlemen - picture Chuck-E-Cheese with a bar, and that's it. Honest to God, I didn't even eat there or even play any games. I simply turned around and left. I mean if I wanted THAT, I would've booked a week at the Hampton Inn at Corridor G and just walked to Chuck-E-Cheese!!! Grrrrrrrr!!!!

So anyway, I walked to Damon's Bar and Grill, KNOWING that it was in fact a bar and grill, and that there wouldn't be a million kiddiots running around screaming. I actually enjoyed myself there. They had several big screen TVs with ball games and trivia challenges playing. I ate and enjoyed everything - - everything that is, except my waitress. She was a total dumbass. She took forever to take my order, and after I had eaten, I LOUDLY said "I'm just gonna pay for this now". She said "ok" and then WALKED OFF!!!! A-dur!!! I only gave her $2 tip because she was so stupid. Take that, skank!

One place that I truly enjoyed was Cheesecake Factory. It sounds stupid, but its actually a nice, mildly ritzy restaurant with a menu that you would NOT believe! They had EVERYTHING, and the food was great! I loved it! Of course, it was right beside another "mall", so I went there and did a bit of shopping. I got a leather jacket, some new boots and a couple of shirts. I also bought Jacob some toys, and ate at a few more places.

Now, as my time ends here, I take a moment to reflect and have come to this realization. I will NOT be moving to Pittsburgh. It is totally out of the question. It sucked, was boring, and has no damn roadsigns.

However - being here for a week has allowed me to be able to skip work for a week, and since I'm not at that hellhole, I'm happy as can be. So with that - I thank thee, Pittsburgh. You may have suckass entertainment, a terrible local FOX affiliate, and ZERO roadsigns - but you aren't Alltel, and for that, I love ya.

>sigh<

Well, at least my work is closed on Monday for Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. That will give me an extra day of release from that place. X_X

Below are some pics that I took. If you are still awake, enjoy them. BELIEVE ME - it's as close to Pittsburgh as you ever want to get:

These 2 pics are from Cheesecake Factory. Stupid name - GREAT food!

Remember how I was bitching about the signs? LOOK! When they DO have signs (which is never), they cram them up in ridges between bridges where you can't even SEE them!!!

Some quick shots of Pittsburgh (which ironically IS the 'pitts'):

As I prepare for my last day here, the only thing on the agenda is going to see Cloverfield before going back home.

God, I missed that little monkey.

1/8/2008

2008-06-01T20:55:00.001-04:00

Dear Dumbass Who Stole My License Plate,

I'm glad that I could provide 5 minutes of entertainment for you on your trailer-trash-tastic night of fun. I bet my plate fits really well on your 1984 p.o.s. car. Also, I reported it as stolen, so PLEASE drive as fast as you can so that you are caught by State Troopers (better yet, do the drive fast thing that I mentioned, and see if you can 'phase' through the side of a building. I bet you can do it, since you're so awesome!).

Proving, once again, that WV has met its quota on uneducated, trailer trash excellence, you have added to the coolness of Abney Street. Kudos on your theft.

Just remember: karma is a bitch, and I will laugh when you are arrested and jailed, and much like my car - someone will steal something from YOUR rear.

Peace out, dumbass!

(not)Love,

Ricky

1/3/2008

2008-06-01T20:54:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year, losers!

Hope everyone made it through safely!

Well, I thought I'd blab labout a few things to drain my brain. I've been off from work for three days. I work next week, and then I'm off for another week.

My New Year's resolution is to do something new at least once a month this year. First thing I'm doing that's new? Going to Pittsburgh, PA for my vacation. I've never been there and am looking forward to it (not that I've heard anything amazing about it). In fact, I'm scoping out possible places that I will move to. I know nothing of the place, other than they have a football team and supposedly have awesome steak sandwiches. I'll post pics once I'm back, but NYC is still 1 on my list for new destinations. w00t!!

Next, for those who are into reality TV, they announced the new cast of the upcoming Survivor! This season, they are bringing back 10 'favorites' from past seasons, and putting them up against 10 'superfans'. Although, looking at the Superfans, I'm thinking that they are paid actors. In fact, I'm thinking that one of them is a transvestite.

Anyway, if you remember my insane blogs from a couple of years ago, I was in LOVE with the castaway named Cirie!!!! She was this heavyset black woman who was literally scared of leaves when she got to Panama, but by the end of the season, she was kicking everyone's ass!!!! Well, she's BACK!!!! w00t!!! She will be CIRIEOWNING everyone out there again! I can't wait!!! Here's a quick listing of the new cast:

Alexis - I know nothing of her except that she looks like she's 14. Also, out of all of the 'new' girls, she seems to have had the least plastic surgery.

Amanda - this poor girl was already on Survivor: China. Everytime you would see her, they would have a giant blur circle on her ass. Not sure why, since they always FAILED to blur Denise's gelatinous ass. >shudder< Anyway, Amanda played a good game and is back to see if she can get to the finals w/o messing up, like she did last time.

Ami was on Survivor: Vanuatu (the one with all of the volcanoes). She's also listed as a lesbian and a 'barista' which is just a fancy way of saying that she works at a Starbucks. Anyway, Ami was on a season where it was men VS women, and she controlled her tribe pretty much the entire time. She was voted out b/c she was betrayed by......

...Eliza. She was on Ami's tribe and was seen as the whiney brat. Eventually, when the tribes merged into one, she joined up with the guys and voted out Ami. Many people say that Eliza looks like an alien. I seem to agree, and am also intrigued as to why her boobs look MUCH smaller now than they did in Vanuatu.

Chet - a gay guy who teaches girls how to walk in beauty pageants. Um......what? He looks like the creepy guy that you see standing in the alley behind your local McDonald's. Then when you get near him, he asks for a ride across town, forcing you to lie that you are going the opposite way. Creeeepy!!

Bobby Brady......er, I mean Erik. Holy crap - look at this guy's shorts!!! LMAO!!! "Who wears short shorts?" The answer is simple - it's Erik, and he seems to be a little too proud to be wearing them. There's nothing that annoys me more than people trying to bring back styles from the 70's. It's not enough that all of the teenage boys are walking around with Brady Bunch hair - but now he's bringing out the 'too short' basketball shorts?! Gross. Please die.

James from Survivor: China is back!! Hopefully he can live down his total retard move from last season. See, this douche had not one, but TWO immunity idols. He could've used them at anytime he chose so that he could stay in the game. Well, his ego caused him to NOT use them - and then everyone voted him out. That's right ladies and gents: TWO idols, and he was voted out. Moron.

Jason - WHAT?! Another Brady Bunch wannabe?! It's a good thing they didn't reveal the location of the game, or I would've appeared there with a Flowbee and cut all the guys' hair. STOP IT WITH THE BRADY BUNCH HAIR!! IT LOOKS STUPID!!!

The following people are boring to me, so I'll post their pics as a cluster. There's a fireman, a few former contestants, and the last girl looks like a horse:

Seriously - what is up with that last girl's chin? Did she have it surgically removed?!

Ok, next we have, what the fansite lists as a woman named 'Kathleen', but I'm not so sure. What I see is LITERALLY the ugliest woman I have ever laid eyes on, and yes I'm including Kathy Griffith and Rosie in with that:

BLECH!!! If any of you have ever seen "The Crying Game", and are aware of the "tuck" scene - does this woman not look like that guy?! Sweet Jesus - someone bring a barfbag to me b/c I'm gonna hurl. PLEASE let her be voted out first. I couldn't handle being subjected to her fug face for 12 weeks. X_X

FINALLY:

GODDESS CIRIE!!!!!!

w00t!! GO CIRIE!! I hope she ties everyone up and cooks them alive!! If she doesnt win, then I will cry, kick and scream in my floor.

Next, how many of you got a Nintendo Wii for Christmas? I bought one for the kids, and Jacob and I have been wearing it out! We play it at least an hour everyday! If you hate exercise, or MOVING for that matter, then stay away from this thing. You have no choice but to move around, dance, jump, squat, row, swim, run, etc. in order to make your character on screen get through the boards. Its insane! Right this instant, Jacob is playing Wario Ware: Smooth Moves, and it moving this giant finger into this fat guy's nostril. Yeah, one of the games requires you to pick a nose. GROSS!!! Anyway, its a lot of fun, and although I'm disappointed that you canNOT play the games online as I thought - it's still a lot of fun.

So in closing, I've enjoyed my mini vacation. I get a REAL vacation in a week, and I'm going to PA. My kids are hilarious to watch as they play the Wii, and this skank is fug:

*vomit*

Happy New Year!!!

12/25/2007

2008-06-01T20:53:00.000-04:00

As midnight approaches on yet another Christmas, Ive really had some deep thoughts today.

Normally a guy who has gone through what I've gone through this year would be bitter and pissed off at the world. But you know what? I'm not. I am SO blessed, and have so many things to be thankful for. The things that annoy me, I have the power to change, and will be doing so soon.

Nothing - repeat: NOTHING - made me smile more than seeing my son play with his Christmas gifts today. He looked up at me at one point and said "Thanks for my cool stuff, daddy! I love you very much!" I dunno - it's so odd to have a connection with a child like that. It's unbelievable to me. I honestly felt like this holiday season would be difficult since I'm on my own - but you know what - I freaking LOVED it! If anything, I've proven to myself that the only thing I need in my life is my family. Nothing else matters. No matter how many disagreements we may have - no matter WHAT I go through personally, it's good to know that I have people whom I can lean on, and no matter what they say or do, they can never escape the fact that a part of me is with them (I'm talking about my family in case you're retarded).
See my profile pic? That's how I feel right now. Me and Jake live here and we are happy as can be.

I have SO many plans for this coming year, and it's just hit me that I'm going through with them. I always complain that I'm not happy here, blah blah blah, and how much I hate my job blah blah blah. Well, 2008 shall be the year that my life changes. Write it down: I promise it.

Some of you may be surprised - and honestly, I couldn't care less.

I know I'm happy, and anytime I feel down or depressed - I just walk into my son's room while he's asleep and look at him laying there. The feeling that I get is not able to be captured in words.

So while I may not have received any gifts (as should be when you're freaking 32!!!), I realized that I've got some of the best gifts a guy could ask for - and they are non-refundable.

My son.
My daughter.
My family.
My freedom.

Certain people out there - and you know who you are - have helped me change my life, and for that I'm grateful.

Remember: anytime you're feeling down, or that life's not worth it, chin up. Somewhere out there, someone is worse off. Someone is crying because they're missing someone. Someone is holding on to memories of someone who has passed. Someone is literally shaking, nearly convulsing, because they are cold from the chill due to being homeless. Someone is lonely. Someone is wishing that they could have one more day to do things that they wished that they had done.

That won't be me.

Merry Christmas to you all. I love those whom I love, and have good thoughts for everyone else.

PEACE!!

12/13/2007

2008-06-01T20:52:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone. This is Jacob. I hacked into my dad's MySpace account. Who would've thought that his password was "password". What a dork!

Anyway, I wanted to let you all in on a little secret. The other night, I told my dad that some of the kids at school said that Santa wasn't real. He said that we would talk about it after Christmas. I just looked at him and said "Dad, you are so busted!".
My innocent childhood is over. Santa isn't real. Everything I've been told was a lie, and I am not impressed.
Luckily, I still get presents, so I honestly couldn't care less if the fat guy is real or not. As long as I wake up on Christmas morning and have a Nintendo Wii ready for me, that's all that I care about.

Wow - this week has sucked! First, I lost a tooth, and now Santa isn't real. Next thing you know, I'll be told that the Tooth Fairy isn't real.

Life sucks!

Oh and don't tell my dad that I'm blogging on his MySpace! He won't share his fudge rounds with me if he finds out!

Sincerely, Jacob

12/6/2007

2008-06-01T20:52:00.001-04:00

Greetings lackeys!!!

Guess what?

I almost died last night!

I'm not even joking. Here's what happened:

Since some idiot decided to wreck on I-64 near the Milton exit, the Interstate was shut down going both ways. I had to go down Rt. 60 from Huntington to St. Albans. Well, just before I got to St. Albans, this other idiot tried to pull out in front of me. I hit my brakes to keep from hitting him, only to realize that I was on ice. I turned sideways and went into the other lane.

So, here I am heading straight toward an oncoming semi truck. Instead of freaking out or yelling, I literally mumbled "Oh, great.....".

For a split second, I thought "I'm about to be hit by a semi right on my side. I am so dead."

Then I came to my senses and grabbed my wheel. I turned it as hard as I could, which caused me to turn backwards. I swear to God, I missed the truck by less than 10 feet.

So NOW, I'm in the right lane, but I'm backward. Thankfully, there were no cars in that lane. I slid off the road and into a ditch. It was all in slow mo to me, and I was calm.

After I hit the ditch, and I realized that I hadn't died, I just pulled out of the ditch and went on my way. When I got home, I checked the car and it didn't have a single scratch on the car. I was also fine.

Talk about adrenaline. It was like a scene from a movie! I need to get into the stuntman line of work.

In other news, JACOB LOST HIS FIRST TOOTH!!! Awwww!!!

I love him so much! I wanted to pull his tooth last night, but he wouldn't let me. He ended up losing it during lunch at school. They put the tooth in this little plastic holder, but one of his friends wanted to look at it, and caused Jacob to drop it.

He lost it, but my mom found one of the other grandkids' teeth and let Jacob 'borrow' it as a substitute for his tooth.

That's kinda gross, but at least he's gonna get money from it!

At any rate, I'm loving my job again! I love working with customers, and the atmosphere at my new store! It truly is a lot of fun!

I plan on working hard and making tons of commission there until I move next summer.

I'll update everyone on how Christmas is going for me and the kids as time allows. I usually do not get home until 8:30 now.

:(

LATER!!!

11/18/2007

2008-06-01T20:51:00.001-04:00

Things I'm Thankful For (in no particular order)
by - Richard Cline

I am thankful for the following:

1. My children
2. My life
3. My freedom
4. My family
5. Jeno's Frozen Pizzas
6. Pepsi
7. My possessions
8. That I do not have to put up with a pet
9. My baldness (do you realize how much I save on hair products?)
10. My humor
11. My friends
12. Chocolate
13. XBox 360
14. Hearing my son laugh
15. Music (but not Country)
16. Other places beside WV
17. La Sha's restaurant in Teays Valley
18. The Internet
19. Good TV shows
20. That I don't have to look at Britney Spears' fat and nasty ass walking around naked in front of me all day long.
21. Doritos
22. Video Games
23. Image Editing Software
24. Laughter
25. That I have my own place to lay my head down to sleep each night
26. My new position at work
27. cereal
28. Silk Soy Milk
29. The ability to think
30. My DVR

(List is subject to change based on my daily mood. My list may not match up to your list, but that doesn't mean that I want to hear your version. All sales final.)

11/6/2007

2008-06-01T20:50:00.002-04:00

Stress.

I hate stress.

It's not needed in my life.

Something else I hate?

People who like to induce stress.

I do not need to hear that I'm not doing a good job when I know I am.

Micromanagement sucks my ass.

I call your bluff.

I'm stepping down from my current position and going back to being a sales rep.

Direct control of my commission? Good!

No stress? Good!

Liking my job again? Good!

Also - when I move next summer, it will be easier for me to transfer as a rep instead of management.

So yeah - today pretty much voided all of my whining blogs back in good ol' April of 2005, but like I said - it was MY choice, and I'm happy.

Now, please proceed to kiss my ass.

Thanks in advance!

10/12/2007

2008-06-01T20:50:00.001-04:00

First off, yes I know I'm whining. If you don't want to read it, there's a little BACK button up there that will take you back to the porno site you were at before coming here.

....

Still with me?

Okay, for those who don't know - I GOT AN XBOX 360. It is friggin' SWEET! I love being able to play against people from all over the globe!

....that is until my cable modem decided that it didn't want to work anymore after a week of 360 fun! I furiously called Suddenlink and demanded that they help me to correct this problem. The first guy was very helpful and said that he would help me by resetting my cable modem.

Well - he stupidly didn't realize that my modem is also my connection for my digital phone service, so when he reset it, it disconnected me.

>: |

SO - I had to call back and listen to the annoying "hold" music for 15 minutes until this retard woman picked up the line. She then informed that my "switch box" never did what I was telling her (my computer and my 360 were both working for like a week and a half). She then just sat there in total silence.

What a retard!

I hung up and called back and got some Australian guy. He basically told me the same thing (I think...) but I couldn't understand him, so I called back AGAIN!!!!

This last guy was named Dave. WHen I told him what had happened, he told me that it was a glitch in the "switch box", and he then proceeded to give me a TWENTY MINUTE lecture on the differences between a "switch box" and a "router".

Jesus, Dave! Enough!!!! If I wanted to hear that for 20 minutes, I would've called Geek Squad.

So anyway, I was pissed that I was now going to have to buy a router. I pouted and sat down to watch TV - since I couldn't play my 360. I opened an envelope and was surprised to see that I had been awarded a $30 certificate for Amazon.com from my credit card company because I had paid off my entire NYC trip in less than a month! :O

So anyway - I ordered a router, had it shipped here overnight, and am now enjoying the awesomeness of XBox Live.

Look me up if you have it. I'm NIGHTCRAWL3R.

I shall pwn your ass.

LATER!

9/25/2007

2008-06-01T20:48:00.000-04:00

Divorce, Breakfast, Survivor: China, and General Whining

DIVORCE:

Well people – the wait is over. Richard Cline is back on the market!

Actually, retract that statement.

Well people – the wait is over. Richard Cline is single and will be staying that way for good!

I am tired of people making comments like "When you start getting serious and get married again…." Are you people CRAZY?! Let me put it to you this way:

Let's pretend that I'm going skydiving. Im nervous and frantic until I finally just say "Ah, the hell with it" and go for it. I let the pilot know that Im interested in skydiving, and he accepts my offer. We make an agreement that he will do his part, and I'll do mine.

I get up in the air, and finally get brave enough to take the plunge. As Im falling through the air, for what seems like 8 years, I suddenly realize that instead of a parachute in my backpack – I have an anvil. And not just a normal anvil, I'm talking Warner Bros, Wile E Coyote, ACME anvils.

Seriously – once I hit the ground, do you REALLY think I'm gonna go back up in a plane and try again?

HELL NO!

My divorce is over! I can do as I wish and get on with my life – and I'm HAPPY. Over the next year or so, I'm looking forward to meeting new people, trying new things, and possibly moving. SuhWEET!

BREAKFAST:

Well, its official. After finally being convinced by one of my co-workers to try Wendy's breakfast menu, I can now claim that I have tried every single local fast food restaurant's breakfast items. I shall now grade them below. If I've overlooked a restaurant (God forbid!) then please let me know and I'll try them out and rate them in a future blog. I know you're dying with anticipation.

Hardees – possibly the best chicken biscuit EVER. The bread tastes great. The chicken tastes great. The price? Not so much. I swear, it's like $36 for a chicken biscuit at Hardees! They are the most expensive place to grab breakfast! I mean, yeah they're good and all – but would you pay $5000 more to "rent" Invisible Woman-Jessica Alba for the night, when you can get "Into the Blue" Jessica Alba (which is pretty much the same thing) for like $1000? That's right people: in the end, cost DOES matter and Hardees falls flat! Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

McDonald's – Dear Jesus…..how is McDonald's allowed to serve food?! This place is the greasiest, most revolting place on the planet to get food (yes, even worse than the Chinese restaurant I stumbled into in Manhattan)!! Their pricing is good – but their food is like playing Russian Roulette with your tummy. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you LOSE – and lose HARD. If I eat a breakfast biscuit at McDonald's…..then eat a full lunch in the afternoon and a full dinner in the evening……and when I burp at 10pm I taste the McDonald's biscuit and NOT the other food – then something is wrong. VERY wrong. I am totally convinced that McDonald's takes aborted fetuses and uses them in their food. I mean can you honestly admit that their McNuggets TASTE like chicken? No. They do not. McNasty!!!

Burger King – Normally, I love Burger King. I had a bit of the Garcia Effect with their breakfast products, however, which has made me nervous to eat there. Let me explain [WARNING – GROSS STORY AHEAD]. One day, I stopped by Burger King and ordered a chicken biscuit combo. I ate the whole thing in like 3 minutes. I went on my merry way to work. About an hour later – in the midst of a heated debate on which cast member of Heroes was the hottest, I suddenly felt nauseated. I made it to the restroom just in time for the hash rounds to come flying out of my mouth. And no JUST my mouth – but also through my nose. As I watched my beloved breakfast combo transform into a foamy goo in the toilet, I realized that there were chunks of the hash round in my nose!!!! I had to blow my nose and feel them SPLAT out, which in turn made me sick again. Ahhhhhh, memories.

Anyway, I cant eat the damn things anymore b/c just the thought of them makes me want to pour bleach into my eyes. Sorry BK. Im not having it my way.

Tudor's Biscuit World – Worst. Food. Ever. I don't care how devoted the locals are to this place, it makes me sick just thinking about it! The food tastes horrible! Damn Tudor's!!!!!

Wendy's – After the buildup, I wasn't impressed. I was expecting to eat their biscuit and then be transported to Heaven, where Anna Nicole Smith played a harp and sang opera tunes for me as I ate. Instead, I was seriously thinking "Why are my co-worker's obsessed with this?! " It wasn't anything of stature.

So, if you're still reading this – I would have to say that Im just not a breakfast person, and from now on – instead of ordering breakfast combos, I'll just hide a package of cookies in my car and eat those when I'm hungry.

HUZZAH!!

Well, after waiting for the whole summer – Survivor came back last night. I thought the show was ok, but the theme music put me to sleep. I dunno – its too early to pick favorites. However, if you're looking for a "treat" for your eyes – go to cbs.com/survivor and check out Denise's profile. Oooh baby. I want her. I want her badly.

X_X

THREE DAYS UNTIL HEROES RETURNS!!!

::dances::

Well, Im bored of this. I havent been on MySpace much lately, but I thought I'd type something so that no one will PM me whining about me not posting anything. I'M NOT YOUR PUPPET OR PLAYTOY!!!!

::weeps::

9/16/2007

2008-06-01T20:47:00.002-04:00

Okay, due to requests (and whining), I have decided to post some of my pics from my NYC trip. I literally have like 200 pics, but here are a few that I think sums up everything.

Manhattan at night. This was the second moment that I realized that I will live there. It's AMAZING. The Twin Towers used to be just behind the buildings on the left-side of the picture. It was SO beautiful, and this pic does NOT do the view justice.

Random buildings that I thought were beautiful:

Oh wow - I loved it. I cannot wait until I can wake up each morning and ride the subway to see these buildings each day. Speaking of the subway - here are some pics of me in the subway. Notice the lack of crime, weapons and druggies. Country bumpkin tales:

Here's the building that they used for Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey's apartments in FRIENDS. Its located in Greenwich Village:

Here's the FULL-SIZED ferris wheel that is inside the Toys R Us in Times Square:

....and the 30 foot tall animated dinosaur:

Speaking of Times Square:

This McDonald's THREE floors of seating. O_O

"Where did you go to school?"
"HOLY NAME OF JESUS!!!!"

I loved these apartments. They are about $1600/month. Yes, I checked.

w00t! Seeing this poster in the subway tunnels made me have a nerdgasm.

Officers removing barriers that they had up during a 9/11 Memorial Prayer service.

People that I ran over! :D

Apparently, I own a store in western Brooklyn.

Chinatown! The only place in the entire city that I thought was very dirty.

Life-sized Barbie house in the Toys R Us! Kristen would LOVE it!

Now I can say that I've been on Broadway! In your face b-list actors!!!!

Amazing.

Again, I shall live there. I may have to wait a little longer than I anticipated, but I will live there.

I <3>

9/12/2007

2008-06-01T20:47:00.001-04:00

My trip was awesome.

I got there in around 8 hours. Once I arrived, I could see the City on the horizon, and I was instantly in love. Getting closer to it only made me smile that much more. It was the most AMAZING thing I've ever seen, and I realized that I was in my element.

I should've been born there. I wasn't nervous - even though I was lost for about 20 minutes after getting in the actual City. I drove everywhere I went. I chatted with random people. I smiled a lot. I ate at little diners. I watched kids dance in hydrants at block parties on several streets. I saw homeless people asking for change. I saw birds and squirrels that were so used to people that they would let you get inches from them!

I saw huge skyscrapers. I saw luxorious boats. I saw the NYPD and the Fire Dept. I saw the Manhattan skyline. I saw the Brooklyn Bridge. I saw thousands of people being polite and enjoying life. I saw night lights. I saw boutiques and thrift shops. I saw people of all walks of life. I saw people from all nationalities.

I saw trains. I saw buses and taxis. I saw many things.

I saw my future home.

I swear I shall live there. It will be a better opportunity for me. It will be a better opportunity for my children. It is my life, and I will not let it all pass me by trapped in this place.

My eyes were opened. My mind was opened.

I got home at 3:30 in the morning on Monday and dreaded going back to my boring job and boring life. I'll make do for now.

No pics will be posted here. I'll show them to people as I see them.

9/11/2007

2008-06-01T20:46:00.000-04:00

I'll blog about it all later - but just wanted to let everyone know that I had a kickass time in NYC! It was the most amazing thing I've ever done.

I vow to you all - I shall live there someday.

Mark it down.

8/27/2007

2008-06-01T20:45:00.002-04:00

Afternoon y'all!

So, I bet you've been wondering what I've been up to since my trip to the Supermarket. Well, wonder no more, for I shall tell you!

First, I've decided that for as long as I can until I get bored with it - I'm going to do something new and crazy each day. I'm not talking crazy as in walking up to a puppy, picking it up and biting its tail off. No, no - I'll save that for next summer. I mean something new that I've never done before that won't send me to prison.

Here's a list of new things I've done so far:

* One week, I grew my beard in and trimmed it (it outlined my jaw)

* The next week, I shaved it off (hey that's new since I've never shaved an entire beard off before. Shut up! It is! It's my game, and I say it is!)

* I've tried new foods!

* I got 6MB cable internet!

* I've stopped biting my nails!

Next on my list of new things to do:

* Get a larger 'character' tattoo - I'm finally getting my Nightcrawler tat that I've wanted for years. It will be suhWEET!

* I'm going to NEW YORK CITY for the weekend next week!

* Brazilian wax - I keep hearing a lot of ladies talk about it, so I'm thinking perhaps I should try it to see what the fuss is about!

* I'm seriously considering having my leg amputated and replaced with a cybernetic leg. How badass would that be?

Ok, seriously - I've adjusted well to living alone. In fact, I freakin' love it! I love being able to do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I wanna. I come and go as I please. I buy what I want. I do what I want. It rocks!

One thing I'm not so good at? Laundry. Okay, answer this - why should I be limited in the amount of detergent and clothing that I put in the machine? It's MY machine?! I should be allowed to fill it to the top if I want to! Also - the dryer? What's up with the lint collector?! Why can't it just clean itself? I'm tired of having to scrape lint off of that thing!

Oh, and a big thanks to Julie for not informing me that 'muave' bath towels cannot be washed with 'white' tee-shirts. You end up with pink tee-shirts, and lots of little white fuzzballs on the towels.

Ugh! I'm not doing anymore laundry! I've already hired my nephew to come and cut my grass for me every other week for $25. I think I may tell him that I've added a clause to his contract that forces him to do my laundry as well.

Oh, and don't even get me started on ironing! I've always done that myself, and I freakin' hate it! To me, it's basically mowing the grass indoors. It infuriates me and makes me cuss at an inanimate object.

Oh well - at least Kristen will be here this weekend. Maybe she has some tips for me on how to use the washing machine WITHOUT flooding my entire basement!

Oh, and this has nothing to do with what I blogged about, but I wanted to post it.

Wok N' Roll?!?!

LMAO!!!

This is an actual place in North Charleston:

8/15/2007

2008-06-01T20:45:00.001-04:00

Keeping you up to date, and bored to tears - it's RICKY - back with more boring tales of his mundane life.

So anyway, the past several days have been extremely boring. I cleaned my house, moved my enter computer system into my living room, and got a Nintendo DS.

OH - let me sing the praise of the Nintendo DS. Basically, it's a Gameboy Advance with a touch-screen that you can take and play while using the bathroom. Even better? You can connect to the Internet with it and play the games against your friends head-to-head! I borrowed Mario Kart, and beat some kid named Mr. Nibbles while using the restroom. BEST GAME SYSTEM EVER!! I think that the DS actually stands for DOOKIE SYSTEM.

Anyway, aside from playing that for hours on end, Ive also been finishing up the requirements for my divorce:

1. Angry wife - CHECK

2. Split custody of kids - CHECK

3. Remodeling your house into a bachelor pad - CHECK

4. Attending state-required parenting class that you must go to before the divorce can be finalized - AWWWW, CRAP!

So tonight Julie and I went to the parenting class. The state of WV requires that you attend this class, yet they charge you $25 to go to it. Yeah, that's right - it's REQUIRED but you have to pay for it.

Anyway, we get there, prepared and psyched for the next two hours of HELL. The speaker that is lecturing our class looked EXACTLY like the secretary from Ferrib Buller's Day Off - even her voice!! Only she was wearing a fat lady's tank top. SHe seemed pretty clueless of what she was doing, and got slammed when she would randomly call on people.

For example, she said "Who here feels that your kids love both of you as parents?" Everyone raised their hand except for this douche in the front. SHe was like "Sir? Why did you feel that you couldn't raise your hand?" and he retorted: "Why are you calling me out? You know I don't wanna be here?!"

Yes, Julie and I were back in High School folks! But instead of hearing about English and the great leaders of the past, we got to listen to Ferris Buller Secretary Lady talk about her daughter Jenny. Apparently, Jenny can do know wrong. Jenny was a strong child. Jenny graduated proudly. Jenny then attended and graduated from Virginia Tech. Jenny held her mom's hand the day after graduation as they ran around town. Jenny wished that her mom didn't discuss finances with her when she was little. Jenny also can beat Tiger Woods at golf, and holds the world record for stretchiest skin.

WHAT CAN'T JENNY DO?!?!?!

Yes, thats right ladies and gentlemen - I paid $25 to sit in this class for a little over an hour which basically was this crazy woman gloating about how awesome her daughter was.

Then she read this poem that went something like this:

I don't remember the clothes I was wearing, but I remember the day Daddy and Mommy fought. It was when I was 9 years old.

I don't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but I remember the day that I realized that it felt like it was my fault that my parents were splitting up. It was when I was 9 years old.

I remember the day that I realized that the world hated me, and I hated the world. It was when I was 9 years old.

Well, while she was reading that to us in some retarded form of Story Carpet Time, I wrote my own poem:

I remember when I had to sit in a classroom for an hour and listen about some overacheiver skank named Jenny. It was when I was 32 years old.

Seriously. I wanted to kill myself by the time the class was over.

As I sit here on this FREAKING HOT evening, I've come to realize two things:

1. I dont blame Julie for anything in our divorce, but I *totally* blame her for making me sit through that damn class!!!!!

2. I miss Jenny.

8/4/2007

2008-06-01T20:44:00.002-04:00

If you've ever met my daughter, Kristen, you know that she's outgoing, mouthy and at times slightly obnoxious. It all comes across as cute though, so it's all good.

Well, Jacob was at my mom's so it was just me and Kristen hanging out together on a Friday night. She began to talk about when she spent the night with one of her friends. She then proceeds to tell me that she watched Freddy VS. Jason there. My jaw dropped.

"WHAT?!" I asked. "Why were you watching that?" (I do not allow her to watch things like that).

She claimed that Julie was aware (when in actuality, Julie didn't know until AFTER she had watched it).

Anyway, Kristen then began to boast about how brave she was because she watched this movie, and how nothing scared her.

I had an evil thought.

"Hey - sice you're getting into scary movies, let's go to Blockbuster. I'll find a scary movie that I've seen before so that I will know that it doesn't have a lot of cursing or any nudity/sex in it. Then we'll watch it!" I said.

She got excited and smiled. So off to Blockbuster we went, where I purchased THE RING.

We came back home and I put it in. I assured her that there was nothing too bloody or anything like that in this movie.

Holy crap - you should've seen her face! Apparently seeing a guy in a hockey mask jab a pitchfork through someone's stomach is NOT the same as watching a VERY suspenseful movie. Kristen held the blanket up over her head so that only her eyes were visible. SHE WAS TERRIFIED!!!

Ok, so anyway - you know the part where the mom actually watches the video and they SHOW what the video is? Also - remember that in the movie, if you watch that video, as soon as its over your phone rings and you hear someone whisper "SEVEN DAYS.....".

So, Kristen watched that scene (of the actual video). She kept screaming "OH MY GOD!" the whole time. After the video part went off, using my cat-like reflexes, I grabbed my cellphone and quickly called our home number - making our phone ring.

Kristen then proceeded to scream at the top of her lungs for like a minute straight.

Holy crap, I couldn't stop laughing. She got mad at me and blamed her for making her pee her pants a little.

Eventually, when the mom falls into the well and finds the little girl's body, kristen was like "Awwww, this is actually kinda sad! At least her spirit is at peace now and she wont bother anyone else".

Then a few minutes later, when the girl CRAWLS OUT OF THE TV and kills the dad, kristen was frozen in terror.

"DADDY!!! YOU SAID THAT THE MOM LET THE LITTLE GIRL FREE!!!" she screamed.

"She did - - - now that the girl is free, she can kill anyone who watches the video!!!" and I started laughing again.

Yeah, Kristen didn't talk to me for like an hour.

Anyway, I had to let her sleep in my bed so she could watch TV as she fell asleep, and I got kicked to the couch.

When we woke up this morning, she was holding the DVD box to it, and proclaimed that it was the best scary movie she had ever seen.

Of course, she's only seen 2, so thats not saying much. However, the fact is that of the 2 that she's seen - she liked MINE the best!

Up yours, Jason and Freddy!

In sad news, Cornelius, my bonsai tree, died today.

Actually, the stupid thing never even freakin' sprouted!

Damn Japanese weeds!!!!

8/2/2007

2008-06-01T20:44:00.001-04:00

Julie moved out last weekend. I am officially single and alone in my house!

Im really enjoying it! My kids are with me Wednesday - Sunday morning, so we have a good time, and then I relax and do nothing on the days that they aren't here.

Well, Saturday morning, Kristen comes to stay with me (she had been at her grandma's). Jacob wasn't home, so I decided to try to comlpete my first Bachelor Mission: THE GROCERY STORE!! Kristen was terrified to go with me, but I made her (I'm the boss, you know) so nervously, we got in my car and prepared for the mission:

As we pulled into the grocery store parking lot, I had a silent panic attack. Why were there so many people here?! Kristen was like "Dur, dad! Have you not been to Wal-Mart on a Saturday?!" It was literally like a madhouse. People were EVERYWHERE, and they refused to get out of my way!

After shopping for an hour (Kristen and I went down every single aisle and bought everything that we wanted), Kristen mentioned that she'd like to get SOMETHING healthy, since we just bought like 85 boxes of cereal and Little Debbie cakes. I suggested Trident gum. It was fruit flavored and only had one calorie! We could even make it into a casserole (whatever a casserole is):

Kristen became ill at the thought of - not only me making a gum casserole - but me cooking period. She immediately threw up onto the floor:

Disgusted with my lack of grocery skills, Kristen shoved me aside, grabbed the cart, and basically did the grocery shopping for me. As we rushed to the cashier, we soon learned that we bought TONS of groceries, and spent under $150! Enough groceries for 2 weeks at $150 for 3 people? Not bad! I bought a notebook and made nots of what Kristen bought. Im really unskilled at this:

We loaded the groceries into the car, and drove off - victorious in our first mission! Up yours, Wal-Mart! Kristen and I owned you!

I am now a grocery master!!!!

So Mission 1 is complete! w00t!

On a sidenote, have you noticed that EVERYTIME I go to Wal-Mart, I somehow end up wearing that same blue and white baseball shirt? I noticed that just before typing this blog, and by browsing through my older stuff. In the other blog where I was bitching about Wal-Mart, I had that same shirt on. Time to burn it!!!

Also - I had to buy a halogen bulb for my living rom lamp, and I think I bought the wrong one. When I plugged it in, it burned me, and my computer desk, leaving blackened singe marks.

Mission TWO is coming up! I'm in trouble too because Kristen won't be there to help!!! Its - - - dun dun DUUUUUUUN - - - Laundry!!!

Oh Jesus - help me!

I'll keep you updated!

7/14/2007

2008-06-01T20:43:00.002-04:00

I've had several requests from fans (and by "fans" I mean my daughter) to grow my hair out. Well, it's not gonna happen. For starters, I'm 32 and thinner than Nicole Ritchie on top. I don't wanna go with a combover, so I'm staying bald!

Don't feel bad for me! Think of how much money I'm saving on hair prodcuts and hairbrushes! Also - I get to sleep in EVERY morning an extra 30 minutes more than you because I don't have to fix my hair!

HA!!!

Anyway, since people always ask me what I looked like with hair, I thought I would post some old pics of me so you will all shut the hell up!

First off, we have my 90210 phase. Holy crap - if you think THIS is bad, swing by and visit my parents' house. Sneak into my mom's "pink" room (aka the 'forbidden room') and look at my senior picture on her coffee table! My hair is HUGE! My sister, Gayle, told me that she would make me look nice for my pictures. This is the sister who had gigantic hair until just a few years ago. My hair looked like I was wearing a motorcycle helmet, with ONE sexy curl hanging down in the front.

*shudders*

Anyway, I went through a 90210 hair phase from 1991 - 1994. I had thick hair and was gloating at my dad, because he was bald. Little did I know, my time was coming.

Fast forward to 1997! Man, I loved this year! I had so much fun with my friends, and worked with the youth group at my dad's church. We would get into all kinds of trouble! It was probably one of my Top 5 years ever. During this time, I was going with shorter "Opie" (from Andy Griffith) hair. I still had it, but didn't want to waste a lot of time brushing it. Also, notice the thinning starting! It was like my version of the polar ice caps melting, only instead of flooding the entire planet, it ruined my dating life.

As my "hair" years began to come to a close, I realized that drastic measures were needed!!! I began to wear my hair in the Caesar (brushing it all forward), thinking that it was hiding my thinning hair. Also, to piss my parents off, I dyed it jet black for the entire year of 1998 just for fun. Actually, I was hoping that the dye would stain my scalp, and thus bring back my sexiness.

Well, it doesn't get much more sexy than me dressed up as the X-man, Nightcrawler, at a Halloween party from 1998. The girl biting my tail is my ex-sis-in-law. She had to get a rabies shot after this happened:

The final day that I had hair was June 5th, 1999. I got married that afternoon, and then that night, I shaved my head.

I think subliminally, it was due to mourning, but I said that I just wanted to do it.

I remember holding the clippers 5 inches from my head, and just standing there - frozen - thinking "once I do this, its over....".

Then, I just buzzed a strip right down the middle.

After I shaved my head, I actually liked it! I thought I looked cool.

Ahhhhhh, memories of yesterhair.

I'll never have hair again, so thank God I have pics to remind me that I looked like a total fag with my 90210 hair!!!

BLEARGH!!!!

PEACE!!!

7/12/2007

2008-06-01T20:43:00.001-04:00

Remember a few blogs back how I was telling you all how my car is the official bird toilet of the town? I'm serious! No matter WHERE I park it, I always end up with like 47 bird bombs on it every morning! I think they all gang up on it and crap on it in some sort of twisted bird drinking game during the night hours.

Anyway, Monday, I woke up and was getting ready for work. It was HOT already (at 7am), so I cracked my windows LESS THAN AN INCH.

While I ws in the shower, I felt sick. I ended up getting sick, and calling off work. I was in bed all day, and just relaxed and tried to keep myself from puking everywhere.

Wellll, I wake up Tuesday, get dressed, skip (not really) to my car, get in, and suddenly realize that I had forgotten to roll my windows up. It was all over the door! No, no, no.......not rain. THIS was on my door:

Yes, thats what you think it is. All of those little white splotches are bird crap. How a bird got its ass through a half-inch crack in my window to do THAT? I'll never know. There are no power lines over my car, so it wasn't resting above it. I'm positive that the bird watched me crack my windows, waited for me to go in my house, flew and perched on my windowtop, squeezed its ass through the crack and relieved itself.

Well, needless to say, I was pretty mad. I drove to work at the Kanawha City store that day, got out and stomped into my office, plotting the death of that bird.

Later that day, a hurricane raged through Charleston. My co-workers and I were standing and watching the rain pour down in sheets, when I shouted "OH MY GOD! I DIDNT ROLL MY WINDOWS UP!!!!"

Yeah, I realized that AFTER it had been raining for like two hours.

Anyway, once I got in my car, aside from the wet ass - I was happily surprised that THIS happened:

Yay! Bird poop all gone!

Yeah, my clothes got wet on the way home, and my car will smell like mildew for a week, but at least I didn't have to wipe that bird crap up.

HA! In your FACE, bird!

Finally, when I was at my mom's house the other day, Jacob grabbed some chalk and did this on the sidewalk. I thought it was so cute. It's supposed to say "OUR NAMES" and then say "MOMMY, DADDY, SISSY AND JACOB".

Too cute! He rocks:

7/5/2007

2008-06-01T20:42:00.001-04:00

Greetings.

Well, apparently, killing my social life and my marriage wasn't enough for me. Now I've taken it upon myself to try to grow a bonsai tree.

Okay, let me explain.

Since the divorce was announced to me.....and since I'm keeping the house....I've been redoing my room. Hey, it's gonna be my new bachelor's pad, so I gotta make it look nice, right?

Well, I was bitten by the Asian bug. I've redone my room in an Asian/Zen theme. EVERYTHING is Asian/Zen. I have a meditation fountain by my bed (it's supposed to make me relax, but I keep waking up having to pee). I have bamboo blinds, a wall scroll, brass replicas of kung-fu weapons (KICKASS!) and dragon design bedding.

I LOVE IT!

Everyone else? Not so much.

I've not heard ONE person say that they like it! Everyone that I show it to either stares blankly or they're like "Oh, well let's see the kitchen...". And I haven't even done anything to the kitchen!

ANYWAY, to add some little touches to the room (God, I sound like someone from Queer Eye!), I decided to get a bonsai tree.

I happily ordered one and waited 2 weeks for it to arrive.

Well, it DID arrive.....but it wasn't a tree. It was a ceramic planter with a bag of soil and 20 tiny seeds in a packet.

WHAT?!

I have to GROW the thing?! Oh, God....this won't end well.

So, I've planted the seeds, watered it, and covered it with plastic as the tiny TINY instructions told me to do. There was also a blurb at the end that said "Experience the peace and sound mind of growing and caring for your bonsai tree!"

Yeah, I don't think so. i'm already having panic attacks over it.

It's like every moment, I keep seeing the thing dying. I wasn't THIS bad when jacob was in NICU!!!

Should I water it again? Is it getting enough sunlight? Is it getting too much sunlight?!

CRAP!

I think I'm just gonna throw it in the trash and get an inflatable palm tree and set it on my dresser. Sure its not Asian/Zen, but at least I won't have to worry about it dying on me.

O_O

6/20/2007

2008-06-01T20:41:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen:

I have been having a blast on my vacation! Remember how I said I'd do something new each day? Well, I haven't exactly been upholding that deal. I have, however, managed to get lots of rest, and have had fun playing with the kids.

On Saturday, my "new thing" was to go on a tour of Charleston. Yeah, not a big deal to everyone else, but I've never just driven around the city, looking at the landmarks, and observing things.

Here are some pics I took that day, just in case you've never been to the giant metropolis that is: CHARLESTON, WV!!

This is the capitol. I've seen capitols in other states, and I think we have one of the nicest around. I remember when they were putting gold on the dome. It's pretty cool. Also, you can walk around on the grounds and enjoy the fountains, the nice lawn, and old houses like this one:

Very nice!!

Also: this is a pic of the road that is behind my Kanawha City store. I think this road looks like a painting:

Ive also spent a lot of time with Jacob. I finally sat him down and tried to explain that Julie and I will be divorcing, but that we will stay good friends. I explained that he will live 3 1/2 days with mommy, and then come stay with me for the rest of the week.

His reply:

"Can we play Playstation now?"

LOL! Yeah, he seems really shaken because of this. God, I love him. He's crazy!

In other news: my lovely daughter Kristen now has her own MySpace. Actually in her case, it's called OurSpace, because only I know her password. I have to approve everything that she has on it. She doesnt like that, but is coping so that she can be "cool" and have a MySpace page. Check it out by looking at my Friends list. She's #1 :)

Ok, so that all happened Saturday.

Sunday, my new thing was attending church with my parents at their new church. I haven't been to church in like 6 months, so I was a little uncomfortable. I survived and went out to eat with them afterwards.

Monday, my new thing was coming up with a new motto. I've noticed that I'm always full of anxiety. I also over-analyze EVERYTHING. I could overthink 2 + 2. So, my new thing for that day was instilling my new motto into my brain:

ONLY WORRY ABOUT TODAY.

Pretty nice, eh?

Ok, so Tuesday, my new thing was trying to shave my whiskers into a design. Im all about the tattoos, and am still eagerly waiting to get my next one. I was trying to be all hardcore with a design in my beard, but I messed up and have to shave it off.

That brings me to today:

Well, I decided that I would be lazy today. I have a terrible cold, so I slept in today. Julie and the kids went to the local pool. I had to go pick up Jake because he got bored. We came home, played outside and then played some PS2 games.

After we ate lunch, I decided that I'm going to redo my bedroom in an Oriental style. Red walls - black bed and furniture - you name it, I"m gonna have it.

Well, while I was in this ZEN mode, I decided that I would make a rock garden in the front flower beds of our house.

Now one thing you must know - we have LITERALLY like 8 storage spaces all around our house. They are tiny doors that lead to crawlspaces, which are used to store things.

The one at the front-side of the house has TONS of large rocks in it.

Thinking that I would be all "zen", Jacob and I went and decided to get the rocks out of it and decorate the yard.

As I opened the door, I grabbed my mouth and saw a dead cat.

NICE!

Apparently, it had crawled in there and died.

Julie comes home and I tell her about it. SHe decides that we need to move it before it decomposes. She looked at the cat and said that she would go next door and ask if we could borrow a shovel from our neighbors.

After she got it, I grabbed a bag for her so we could collect the cat and dispose of it.

Building up my bravery to go under the house, I went - shovel in hand.

It was pretty far back, so I poked at the rocks in order to move them from my path.

That's when the cat toppled over and I realized that it wasn't a cat at all.

The dead animal was actually just a VERY dirty piece of insulation.

".............."

The way it was laying made it look like an animal. The dirt even looked like a cat's stripes.

So, we gathered the "cat" into the bad and ran to show our neighbors. She informed us that we were retarded.

Haha.

Well, that was my new thing for today: dead "cat" removal.

Thank Jesus we didn't call Animal Control to remove it!!! O_o

Also: if you hear Julie tell this story, don't let her fool you! She thought it was a cat too!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

6/14/2007

2008-06-01T20:40:00.002-04:00

Oh, man! I've one more day before my vacation begins! I'm SO freakin' excited! I feel like a kid. It's really odd b/c I jus had a vacation in March, but hey - I can do whatever I want, so suck it.

Anyway - I'm going crazy trying to get both of my new stores cleaned and up and running. I am WAY understaffed! I have 8 positions....and only have 4 reps. Luckily, I had interviews and hired new people a few days ago. I won't go into details b/c my HR department would fire me......but I will just say that I did around 13 interviews, and it was like I was one of the American Idol judges during the try-out episodes.

O_o

Oh well - I got the best candidates (sorry, Tim!) and am ready to mold my new SUPER-AWESOME SALES FORCE!! I'm thinking of having t-shirts made with that logo, and then letting my new team have them - for a small fee of $29.99 each.

In other news: ***DIVORCE WATCH 2007***

Okay, how often is it that you see a couple who has been married for 8 years...known each other for 13 years...go through a completely non-confrontational divorce? We are not fighting at all! We're spearating everything in half and just choosing to be civil and remain friends. Oh well - we're not separating the KIDS in half, b/c that would be gross......but everything else? Yes!

I'll be keeping our new house, and Julie will find a new place. We're both pretty sure that even though we'll have joint custody - Kristen will end up staying with Julie, and Jacob will end up with me. As I've said before, Jacob is basically my mini-me and is CONSTANTLY at my side.

Of everyone, I want to make certain that the divorce is easy on him. He's the youngest, and I want to keep everything as routine as possible.

Kristen is older, and understands MUCH better. In fact, she keeps coming up to me with random ideas on how she thinks I should deocrate the house once Julie moves out.

I'm like "Yeah, that sounds great and all, but I do not think that Daddy really NEEDS Hello Kitty wall stickers....."

Well, I just wanted to gloat about my upcoming vacation. NINE days of doing NOTHING! I'm not going anywhere - and I'm going to sit on my ass all day long.

Well, actually, as I did last year, I will do ONE new thing each day. Nothing major or cost-sucking.....but I will do something new each day.

.....maybe go buy some Hello Kitty wall stickers......

6/12/2007

2008-06-01T20:40:00.001-04:00

My kids are camera hogs.

When I brought my phone outside earlier this evening, they were all like "Take our picture! Take our picture!!!!!!"

So, I did.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present "My Kids VS. Our Tree"

Jacob just wanted one pic, and then he was off and running around the yard again. He cracks me up.

Yesterday, I walked into his room. He was listening to kid's Christian songs, and was singing along with "Jesus Loves Me".....all the while beating a pillow with a baseball bat. He said he was pretending to be a Ninja Turtle.

Oh well, better a pillow than his sister.

Speaking of Kristen, here are her pics. She's going through this phase where she thinks she is Lindsey Lohan 2.0 (hence the groovy hair).

Anyway, she posed by the tree first:

I turned to go back in the house, when I heard her grunt as if saying "Uh! DAAAD! I wasn't finished!!!"

So, we ended up taking several more pictures. She decided that she wanted pics of herself IN the tree:

Check the hair! I love it when she asks me to take a pic of her......I do it....she looks at it.....and then she gets mad at ME b/c she says her hair looks stupid.

Look at me....do *I* look like I know anything about hair?!

Meanwhile, while she was up in the tree posing and looking like Marsha Brady, I was like "Hey Kristen, there's a power line like 3 inches from your head!"

This is what happened next:

Moments later, I had a Kristen pancake by my feet.

Good thing she dodged the power line, and instead did face plant onto the frehsly Joey-soiled yard.

OH! Speaking of Joey - the attention whore wanted in on the action too, so he kept whining until I took a pic of him by the tree too:

Look at those claws! He needs to trim those things! It reminds me of this:

Yeah, she's the world record holder for the longest nails.

She is fiiiiine. I want her. I want her badly.

*pukes*

So anyway, we finished taking pics around the tree.

The tree bored Jacob, and he was more concerned that the neighbor's kid was going to eat his apple slices.

The tree OWNED Kristen! It strategically grew right onto the power line, knowing that it would freak her out and she would do a header.

The tree is Joey's bathroom. The tree probably isn't digging the fact that Joey pees on him at will.

Nastiness.

Well, that about does it for the adventures at the Cline house today.

Tune in next time for even MORE edge-of-the-seat stories!!!!

>crickets<

6/10/2007

2008-06-01T20:38:00.002-04:00

Welcome to the first ever Virtual Stand Up Comedy studio.

Tonight, I'll be on the mic. Don't like it? Kiss my hairy white ass!

So, with everything that's been going on in my life lately, I've been thinking about what I'm going to do with my future. Of course, I'm going to keep my job, and still live locally - but I mean in terms of things that I need to do.

I'm 32, and I've pretty much lived my life for other people. First, my parents (I didn't do ANYTHING while I was growing up, and even now, if I do anything, I feel like I'm letting them down), then my ex-fiance, who ended up being a total beeyotch....and then Julie.

Well, over the past year, I've pretty much done everything that one could do, except for doing drugs, having plastic surgery, and shoving a frozen hot dog weiner up my arse. I gotta save SOME things for when I'm really drunk, right?

>crickets<

Okay, tough crowd.

Well, anyway, um.....let's see......OH! One of my old friends from high school passed away the other day. I read the obituary about what time the wake was, and was planning on going to pay my respect.

Wait - that wasn't even remotely funny...

....ok, the comedy club is closed (probably forever)....

Well, I guess I can tell you about the heart attack that I nearly had about 30 minutes ago!

I was sitting at my computer (SHOCKER!) talking to my friend on IM, when suddenly, from my back porch, I hear "READY FOR ACTION! PRESS ANY DIRECTION KEY!! >BEEP!< >BEEP!<"

See, Jacob has this motorized Jeep that my father in law got him for Christmas. You can press the directional arrows on top of it, it revs up, and will drive in that direction. It also randomly blares "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT" and makes car horn sounds.

Well, Jake left it out in the rain about a week ago, and since then, the thing will not shut up. It randomly turns on by itself and WILL NOT go off! It doesn't have a switch, and the battery compartment screw is rusted, so you can't get it off.

So, after I regain from shock of hearing that loud voice screaming at me to press a button, I go outside, stupidly search for an ON/OFF switch again, and then slam it as hard as I can onto the ground.

HALLELUJAH! IT WENT OFF!

I turn to go back into the house, and BOOM, it comes on AGAIN!!!

This time, I walked over to it, picked it up, and then slammed it against our fence. I even heard something break on it.

I walked back to the house in victory, when WHO LET THE DOGS OUT came on!!

What the?!?!?!

So I picked it up and stood there, thinking about what I should do.

That's when Jacob's mini-pool caught my eye.

See, he wasn't completely satisfied with the Slip-N-Lawsuit, so we had to get a blow up pool for him and Kristen.

So, just like the scene from Titanic, I slowly made my way over to the edge of the water, held the truck close to my heart, and then "Oopsed" it right into the water.

In a final fit of hilarity, the Jeep 'bubbled' "READY FOR ACTION" and then went silent.

I havent heard it for over an hour.

Pffff.....ready for action indeed.

Rest in Hell, devil-truck!!!

6/8/2007

2008-06-01T20:38:00.001-04:00

Good news.......Bad News......
Interesting.

This year has pretty much sucked ass.

It keeps getting better and better, and then someone shovels a spoonful of crap into my mouth.

I present to you, Ricky's first "Good News.....Bad News....." Blog!

GOOD NEWS: As stated earlier - I no longer have to drive to Logan everyday. I miss my old reps, but I'll be saving a LOT on gas! I now have 21 locations - Kanawha City and Teays Valley!

BAD NEWS: They promoted my 2 best reps at the Kanawha City location...so now I have to hire 3 (possibly 4) new people.

************************************************************

GOOD NEWS: This past Tuesday was my 8th wedding anniversary!

BAD NEWS: Instead of a necktie, I got a request for a divorce.

************************************************************

GOOD NEWS: I'm sitting here in my underwear typing this blog.

BAD NEWS: I just realized that the living room curtains are open and Ive been putting on a show for the old woman across the street.

**********************************************************

GOOD NEWS: I like choc.......

......wait a minute!!

Yeah, a divorce. Not going into details, but just letting everyone know so there won't be any awkward moments when you keep going on and on about my wife, and I'm like "Yeah, I don't have one anymore...."

We aren't fighting or hating.....we're just separating. In fact, she's still going to live her for a while.

It's all good. We' re still going to be friends and of course, have joint custody of our kids. NO ONE can take them away.

It hurts, sucks, pisses me off, but if it makes her happy, then so be it.

We'll still be a family.....just not married.

>sigh<

Oh well....

GOOD NEWS: I'm alive.

BAD NEWS: My kids won't be here 24/7

Traurigkeit!!!!!!!!!!

6/1/2007

2008-06-01T20:37:00.000-04:00

Hmmm.....no scarring.

No redness.

No icthing.

No burning.

No, Im not talking about herpes - I mean my tattoo. I've heard that they are supposed to hurt, scab up, then burn and itch.

Mine isn't doing any of those things.

Also - I started thinking today.....what if the people who made those Chinese symbol websites didn't REALLY know what they meant, and were just SAYING that it meant "My Children".

What if it really means "I like to pleasure men" or "Kangaroos make the best lovers".

Ah, crap! Too late to worry about that now!

*cries*

"You vewy, vewy stupid white boy!"

5/31/2007

2008-06-01T20:36:00.000-04:00

Well, I woke up early today, which sucks because I was off. Normally, I like to sleep in, but for whatever reason, I woke up at 8:30. I managed to drag myself to the couch and watch some news.

At some point between hearing about a fireman sliding head-first down a ladder to escape death, and a story about a man who ate a dog in England to protest someone.....I fell asleep.

I woke up around 11, and went outside to sit in the sun. I was listening to some CDs when I got a wild hair up my ass. I decided that I wanted a tattoo.

I got dressed, didn't tell anyone that I was leaving, and took off.

I went to Kanawha City first. Ancient Art is right down from my new store. I stopped by to pick up some things for my Logan store, and a couple of my friends were trying to help me pick out what I should get. Some of them also tried to make me freak out and not get it.

When I went to Ancient Art to see how much it would be, they wanted over $100 to ink me.

Um....no.

So, I went to Bloodlyne Studios in Cross Lanes. I had already made up my mind what I wanted, and printed it out:

I got there, and they were able to move me right into a session. I wasn't nervous, but kept thinking about the needle stabbing me.

After I filled out some paperwork, they were ready to go. I sat in the chair and started to freak b/c the thought of needles was making me want to leave. Remember - I have a phobia of needles.

Anyway, my tattoo artist was named Oz. He showed the needle to me. It looked like the tip of a mechanical pencil.

He started in on the tattoo, and it did NOT hurt. It was annoying, but didn't hurt. I actually talked on my cell and sent text messages to my friends while I sat there.

After about 20 minutes, he was done, and I loved it! Some people might think it's stupid, or trashy looking, but I couldn't care less. I love it! It looked exactly like my paper!

I called my friend, Kenny, and told him that I was at the tattoo parlor. He and I talked about getting tats over a year ago! He couldn't believe it, and said that he'd come see me. When he got there, he ended up getting a coupld of new tats on his arms for his wife and daughter.

It was as if today was official tattoo day or something.

I came home and showed the kids, and they loved it! They couldn't believe that I had inked myself!

Man, I should've been paid by Bloodlyne because I brought 2 new customers to them within 3 hours! Haha.

At any rate, I just wanted to show off my artwork. I love it, and am very glad that I did it! It has a very special meaning for me, and now I get to keep it forever!

Until next time!

OWNED!!

5/28/2007

2008-06-01T20:35:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone! Whatsup? Long time no blog!

A lot has happened over the past week! Some good. Some bad. I'll give you a quick rundown. Hopefully you won't be bored to tears. If you ARE, you could always go and read THIS person's blog, and then maybe you'll be appreciative of mine:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=11266232

So anyway, remember how I said that I loved my Logan store and my reps? Well, I still do, except that Logan is no longer my store. Beginning June 1st, I will be transferring to take over command of the Kanawha City and Teays Valley stores. I'm sad to leave Logan, because even though it's a VERY far drive for me, I will still miss cutting up with them, and seeing the beautiful scenery there. HOWEVER, I will be saving like $80 in gas a week! This savings will allow me to actually accomplish one of my New Year's Resolutions from LAST year! Remember how I went on and on about how badass I was, and how I was getting a tattoo?

Yeah, well I didn't. Not because of me wimping out, but because I didn't want to splurge money that we didn't have at that time. Well, saving this money - I *AM* getting a tattoo. In fact, I'm getting 2.

The first one is still going to be the Nightcrawler one that I talked about in my blog from last summer. Just go back through my older blogs and find it because I'm too lazy to find it right now.

For the second one, I am going to have Jacob and Kristen write their names on a sheet paper, and then have it tattooed on my arms. I don't know if I should get one arm on each, or both on one arm. Maybe even get it done over my heart? I dunno. What do YOU think? Leave me a suggestion as a comment.

So anyway, I'm stoked about moving back to this area to manage stores. I'm excited to get in there and start leading my team - who will all be brand new, aside from a Sr. rep in Teays.

KANAWHA/TEAYSOWNAGE!!!

So fast forward to Saturday. We had a poker game at Jeff's house. Jeff and I were whining because we could only get four people to show up. But before we knew it - another of Jeff's friends showed up, Brent had to buy back in TWICE, and so did Jeff. So by the end of the night, the pot was around $100. Me, Martin and Jeff's friend were all still going to strong.....and it was 3am. I was falling asleep, so we just agreed to split the pot and go home.

Well, that gave me some extra cash. Last night, I took Jacob to the store and bought a new water hose, and a Slip-N-Slide. Jacob was excited to try it because the picture on the front of the box showed a little boy in total bliss, gliding along the wet, yellow plastic, forgetting all his sorrows and heading towards a super-cool-fun splashdown!

Soooooo misleading!

As I unrolled the plastic deathtrap, and hooked up the waterhose so that the blasting fountains would spritz the slide, Jacob was completely elated:

For the record, Jacob is sucking in his gut - we really do feed him.

So anyway, I turned on the hose, and the "erupting splashing fountains" barely came misted out. It was like someone filled a waterballoon and the made a tiny pinhole in it.

Whoooooo!!! Cool-blast fountains my butt!

Well, we were discouraged, but Jacob was determined to have fun with the neon-colored, elongated garbage bag.

So, I staked it down, and soaked the entire slide. He ran as fast as he could, slid and barely made it halfway. He said that his belly "got burned".

Slip-N-Slide, huh? More like Slip-N-Lawsuit.

At any rate, I was about to rip the whole thing up and take it back to the store and tell them to Slip-N-Slide it right up their.....

.....but Jacob was having a BLAST on it! He said it was favorite thing ever. I was shocked - but I couldn't make a bad comment about it in front of him. So, agreeing with him that the Slip-N-Lawsuit was, in fact, THE best toy EVER, I sat outside and watched him slide for like an hour. He went on his belly, on his knees, and occasionally when he would forget that you aren't supposed to WALK on the thing - his face.

Well, my sis and her new boyfriend came over with their clan. My in-laws came over, and we had a cook-in. I call it a cook-in because we don't have a grill, so Julie had to make them on the stove.

We had a lot of fun, and spent 3 hours chatting and cutting up.

Right before the party was over - Julie whipped out this gigantor watermelon. She served some to everyone, but Jacob said he wanted me to get his. I removed the BIGGEST butcher knife that we own from the drawer and started cutting a small piece for him. He said something to me, and I looked over at him. Then, I suddenly felt a sharp pain on the end of my thumb. I looked down to see that I sliced the end of my thumb off. Yeah, neatly sliced like a piece of deli ham. After almost passing out, I grabbed a towel and a rag and applied pressure for like an hour until it stopped bleeding. I felt like I was dying.

After a few minutes, Jacob came back into the kitchen and THREW HIS ENTIRE PIECE OF WATERMELON IN THE TRASH!! He didn't even freakin' eat it! I risked my THUMB for that watermelon! That's it - the Slip-N-Lawsuit is SO going back first thing in the morning!

I guess my Memorial Day could've been more "memorable", but I enjoyed it and couldn't have asked for more.

Well except for my sliced thumb.

*faints*

CURRENT ACTIVITY: Bleeding to death

Namaste!!!!

5/9/2007

2008-06-01T20:35:00.001-04:00

Today was BEAUTIFUL!

The temperature was awesome - the breeze was awesome - the UV rays? Not so much.

See - when I woke up this morning, I went to the library to pick up some books. Then, I took my car to my brother-in-law's auto shop to have my oil changed and my brakes checked. I had to leave my car there, so I walked back to my house. It's only a mile away - not too bad, right?

Well, I came home, and sat out in the awesome sun, while reading one of my books. After about 45 minutes, I decided to go back in and eat lunch.

After I ate, I became very bored. I decided to go for a walk, and to take Joey (yeah, we've made up and I actually like him now). Anyway, Joey and I went for a walk for about 45 minutes.

THEN - right after I got back to the house, they called and said my car was ready, so I walked back and picked it up.

After I got back, Julie and our friend, Marty, ran to Dairy Queen and grabbed some sundaes for us. They came back and we all chilled out on our front porch (in the sun).

So needless to say, my pasty white skin is now fire engine red. I'm talking someone took a red magic marker and colored on me.

Here's a sketch artist's rendition of what happened:

So Ive now slathered myself in aloe gel and and praying that I do not look like the Kool-Aid man tomorrow at work.

Oh well - at least I have some color to my skin, even if it is burnt sienna.

Man, I miss Cootie Brown's! This is no lie - I swear on a Bible - I had a dream about a Cootie Burger last night. In my dream, a waitress came up to me and asked what I wanted. I ordered a Cootie Burger and was lost in it's wonderful taste. Then, I was running through a wheat field in slow motion, and the COotie Burger was running towards me across the way - all in slow motion.

Ah, it was wonderful. When I woke up, I cried for a few seconds. Wiping the tear from my eye, I got up from bed, knowing that I had to be strong and release Cootie Brown's from my life.

Actually, I only miss the food. The actual restaurant was pretty odd. Like I said in my last blog, it was deocrated like a gay bar. They also had some very questionable artwork hanging on the wall above each table. For example:

What the heck IS that?

Either it's a hamburger patty or a giant turd wearing a chef hat.

I'm leaning more towards the "turd" version since they do have the word 'brown' in their name.

Oh well - I cannot hold anything against them. They had the best food, the best servers, and the best plasma screen on which I watched Heroes on.

Farewell, Cootie.

Finally - I forgot to mention 2 things that I witnessed on the way home from Tennessee.

First, we saw this panhandling couple on the side of the street. Now usually, I try not to scoff at panhandlers. Maybe they really do have such a crappy life that they feel the need to stand on the side of Interstate ramps and beg for change. And I'll admit, I've thought about doing it myself as a part-time job. You know these people are probably VERY rich. They have a pretty decent income considering they're getting every passerby's pocket change - and they are wearing a scrap rug - and their bills are probably low. I doubt the rent is high on cardboard boxes.

Anyway - my tolerance was OVER when I saw the couple using a DOG as a pity device. Come ON!!! It is NOT fair that you are using an animal to draw pity from people in oder to get change, which you will probably roll, cash in at the bank, and then purchase meth with! Stick to cardboard signs! No pitiful animals!

Actually, I drove to the local supermarket, bought some Milk-Bones, drove back and dropped them off for the dog, scowling at the couple. Shame on you both! May you rot in Hell for your manipulation!

Then, Jeff and Tim begged me to stop by this place so Jeff could buy some "sexy lingerie" for his wife. I don't think it was actually for his wife, however, because I could see him through the window asking the clerk if his ass looked good in the lace chaps. Anyway, the entire building was hot pink, and it had air-brushed flamingoes all over it. Here's their roadside sign:

Nothing screams "SEXY" like slat-letter signs boasting that you carry VHS tapes. Dude, it's 2007. If you're going to carry porn for your customers, at LEAST carry a few DVDs. I don't watch porn, but I'm sure it's a hassle to hold up the line paying fees because you forgot to rewind your tape.

There were actually a LOT of vehicles in the parking lot. I'm not sure how 'romantic' the escapades were, because most of them seemed to belong to single, fat old men named Bert who walked out of the store with their hands down their pants.

Ew.

Well, I need to go blast my scalp with a fire extinguisher.

Until next time -

PEACE!

5/7/2007

2008-06-01T20:34:00.002-04:00

Join me as we travel to the amazing world of Tennessee! No longer is it just a cheesy novelty song from the early 90's hip hop band Arrested Development - it's an actual place! And Alltel, loving to randomly spend money on training that involves subjects that I'm already fully aware of, sent me, Jeff and Tim to Tennessee. Determined to keep Jeff from playing that lame cellphone game for the entire trip, I confiscated his phones and forced him to listen to Tim's stories of Alltel yesteryear and how Tim and I used to go to school together.

Tim kept going on an on about how I used to have a red afro in middle school. First off - I didn't have an afro, nor is (was) my hair red. Excuse me for styling my hair in middle school! It's not my fault, my parents MADE me do it! Shut up and stop criticizing me!

So anyway, I was the driver, and I managed to get us there in 3 hours. It was supposed to be a nearly 4 hour trip. Thank Jesus for cruise control! Jeff was so bored that he took random pictures of people that we passed. Visit his blog for those exciting images.

I was driving like a bat out of Hell (what does that mean anyway) because Heroes comes on at 9, and well, I can't miss the show.

I get us there, and look at Jeff, thinking that he'd be happy that we'd get to watch our show. What does he do?! The idiot suggests that we drive 20 minutes away to eat at some place called Cheddar's! DUDE - it's 8 o'clock!!!!

NO! You ruined my last trip with that damned Stranded game - I'm not allowing it to happen again!!!

Anyway, we decide to go eat downtown (I use that term loosely).

Cheddar's was packed, and all of the other restaurants didnt seem appealing.

So, where did we eat?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you COOTIE BROWN'S!

Yeah, I know - I couldn't believe it either. Apparently, people of Tennessee like to eat at a place named after the preschool name for germs. Then, slap one of the most unappealing colors at the end of it - VOILA! Instant eatery!

I was terrified to eat there. COOTIE?! Hello! This place screams salmonella! Or at least the Clap.

So anyway, we go into this place, and holy CRAP - I swear it's a gay bar! They had giant ceramic pastel flowers, large shattered pieces of purple glass all over the doors, splatter-painted tabletops, and this:

Yeah, those are diamond chandeliers. And yes, that's silverware and salt shakers dangling haphazardly from them. Its as if the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came in, slung gay stuff everywhere, named a restaurant after viruses, and then said "This place will be great as is!"

Oh man - it took me about 15 minutes to settle down. Jeff and Tim assured me that it wasn't a gay bar - even though our waiter looked like this:

I took their word for it, clenched tightly, and ordered a steak.

Then it hit me - OH MY GOD! Heroes comes on in like 10 minutes!

I glared at Jeff, secretly wishing the chandeliers with the butter knives would fall onto his head. Suddenly, he leans back and mentions that there is a plasma screen TV across the room.

He asks the waitress if we could move there and change the channel - AND THEY LET US! Not only did they let us, but they turned off the music in that room, dimmed the lights, left the remote control with us and then kept bringing Jeff and Tim beer. We got to watch Heroes, eat, and then were called "nerds" by the waitresses. Who cares? I got to watch my show and eat a steak. All at a place called Cootie Brown's!

So, I publicly apologize for making fun of your name, and your decor, Cootie. Kudos to you, Cootie! Kudos!

In other Tennessee trip news, they have many business that have odd names, and then the building is shaped like the name. For example, you know how Pizza Hut actually looks like a hut for the roof? Well, the people of Tennessee took this idea and ran wild with it. See below for examples:

This is Hot Dog Hut:

Yeah, they have a giant stryofoam weiner attached to their building. Also notice the half-hamburger and giant soda on top.

They also had a place called The Shaved Ice Beach House, and it was shaped like a little village hut on a beach. The Italian restaurant had a giant tomato on it. Chili's had a HUGEASS chili pepper over their door.

Thank GOD Cootie Brown's wasn't shaped like it's name!

In closing, check out my door tag of my hotel room:

Yeah, Im freaking out that I actually need to hang a sign on my doorknob to let them know that I do NOT want to be molested. What kind of people live here?!

If you don't hear from me after this, please contact the police and let them know that I'm being violated in Tennessee! I don't care WHAT they say, I didnt like it! I had my DO NOT MOLEST sign on the door!

Well, I guess thats it for now. Nothing major, but I thought that the name of Cootie Brown's alone was blog worthy. Cootie? >snicker<

Oh, and here's a hot mama that we saw at the gas station before coming back to the hotel:

These Tennessee women are fiiiiine......

So until next time, make fun of Drunken-Jeff posing in front of the giant weiner. Dork.

4/30/2007

2008-06-01T20:34:00.001-04:00

As most of you know, I love to Photoshop images.

Imagine my delight when I found a website that asks you to do so and submit your images!

Well, their current thread that is cracking me up is called Jumpers the Cat. You have to take a simple image of Jumpers and Photoshop him into other images.

I thought I'd share some of my favorites:

ORIGINAL PIC:

4/29/2007

2008-06-01T20:33:00.000-04:00

Over the past three days, my kids have cracked me up.

First, Kristen was watching a newscast with her Grandma. They were going on and on about this girl who plays basketball - how great she was, etc. Kristen was getting upset because she felt as if the girl was stealing her thunder from being the MVP for her team.

Everytime, the newcaster would announce one of the girl's accomplishments, Kristen would be like "Oh yeah?! Well, I do that too!"

Finally, the newscaster said that the girl played center guard.

Kristen got a smug look on her face and said "Oh yeah? I'm better than THAT! I play dribble!!"

".........................."

Then, Jacob and I spent the whole day together on Saturday. I needed to run and get some milk, so I promised him that I would take him to Wendy's and let him get a Kid's Meal. I could actually save myself money and just go buy some crappy toy from a Dollar Store, and then slap it in a paper bag with some microwave nuggets and Jacob would never know the difference. Those stupid restaurants TRICK parents into spending more money b/c the kid just wants the cheap, plastic toy!!!

Anyway, after I placed his order, I asked Jake what he wanted as his drink for his meal. He leaned up, squinted as if trying to read the menu and proclaimed that he would like to drink "Hick". I looked at him, and was like "Huh?"

He pointed and said "Hick!". I realized that he was actually wanting Hi-C. LOL! So cute.

When we stopped for milk, he asked me if he could get a pack of gum. I told him yes, and then forgot to give him the chance to choose one. He gave me this "Dad, you moron!" look when I realized that I had forgotten to let him buy some gum. The woman behind the counter smiled at him and said "Tell you what, bud. You're so cute, how about I let you just take a pack of gum for free so your Daddy won't have to use his credit card again."

Jacob smiled and picked up some gum.

"What do you say, Jake?" I asked.

"You must be the boss!" he told the woman.

HAHA!!

Actually, I was a little pissed that the woman didn't offer to let ME have anything for free. I was the one with the credit card! I should've been like "Lady - do you realize that you basically just flirted with my 6-year-old son?! Unless you'd like for me to contact Dateline: NBC and get them here, I suggest you let me have that pack of 50 cent doughnuts and a small chocolate milk!"

Whatever, Jacob - PIMP!!

Finally, I went out to eat with my parents today at Applebee's (yes, the same place that I screamed and whined about a dent in my car - which was actally someone else's car).

As Jacob and I left, we saw a caterpillar on the sidewalk. We scooped it up and put it in a small container. Jacob was so excited to bring it home. He was already planning on taking it to school to show his teacher.

As we drove home, he asked me what I thought a good name for it would be. I told him that since he found it, he should be the one who chose the name.

He first selected "Princess".

"What if it's not a girl?" I asked him.

He thought for about 5 minutes. Then, he broke the silence and said. "Dad! I know a good name! I'll either call him Wookie or maybe Anus."

"ANUS?!" I said as I started laughing.

Oh, God......I feel sorry for Jacob's kids when he has them. They'll probably end up named Vagina or Earlobe.

Ah well.....like I said, my kids crack me up. They are my world, and I'm BLESSED to have them both!

Sadly, Anus didn't make it through the day. Apparently caterpillars do not like containers that once had Kool-Aid in them, and I stupidly left a small amount in the bottom of the container when we put him in there.

When I went to check on him, he was a soggy mass of goo in the bottom of the container.

Oops!

Imagine Jacob's face when I tell him that his Anus died.

"........................."

4/25/2007

2008-06-01T20:32:00.002-04:00

Hey whatsup?

Nothing much here. Same old crap.

My new job is AWESOME! I hate paying for the gas to go there, but I love it there! My reps are the coolest in the market, and we have a great time! I can honestly say that I like every single one of them, and I feel that they like me too. Of course, they are probably plotting my death when I'm not there, but as long as I'm making money, I don't care.

Seriously though - we have a blast. We joke, we work hard, we have a nuclear reactor.

Yeah, see - in our kitchen, we have this tiny GE microwave. It looks like a cutesy microwave that someone would put on their counter just for looks......but BEWARE!!! This thing is a minion of the Anti-Christ.

BEHOLD:

See? Small and simple.

But put a bag of popcorn in it, and set the timer for the RECOMMENDED TIME on the bag, and watch the fun begin. It doesn't pop the popcorn. Instead, it nukes the HELL out of it, causes it smoke, and on occasion - it bursts into flame.

I am NOT kidding.

I made a bag of popcorn in it a few weeks back, and when I opened the door, I was almost overcome by this gigantor cloud of black smoke and the odor of burned paper. Upon looking at my now-ruined snack, I noticed that the bottom of the bag had a burned/black mark. Smoke was pouring from it, and it would flake off as burned paper and wood will do.

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.

Not only did I not get to enjoy my snakc, but I almost burned down the entire plaza! THANKS, GE MICROWAVE FROM HELL!!!!

>: |

What's even worse is - - - take a look at my picture. I took this about a week after the above incident...and what am I trying to make? POPCORN!

Buffoon! I shall never learn!

So anyway, we had a meeting today, and before it started all of the managers went to eat lunch at Applebee's. After we finished, everyone stopped outside to smoke. I don't smoke, so I told them I'd see them all at our meeting.

I felt like I had forgotten something in the restaurant, and I was trying to figure out what it could possibly be. Suddenly, something on my car caught my eye. It was a HUGE dent/scratch!! It was nearly 9 inches long! I started yelling and screaming "Who hit my freakin' car?! I'm gonna kill someone!!"

Then, I realized that it wasn't my car. It was BLACK, and therefore easily mistaken for mine.

I felt like a total idiot. Thankfully, no one was around me......except for the owner of the car that I was bending down, looking at, and rubbing the dent with my finger with. He kinda just stood there staring at me. I started laughing and just walked around his car, got into mine, and drove off.

God, what a dumbass.

Oh well - at least it gave me something to blog about.

Hopefully, with the nice weather that we've been having, I'll actually go outside and do stuff.

Nah, I doubt it.

LATER!

3/31/2007

2008-06-01T20:32:00.001-04:00

Yo!

In case you didn't already know, I've been promoted at work! I was promoted to the store manager for the Logan, WV retail store. Now, I know that Logan is stereotyped as being Redneck Central, but I plan on making a big impact there! I want to work closely with the reps so that we can ALL hit our numbers!

We're also supposed to receive the last part of our brand new furniture order tomorrow, so we'll finally be set up in our new house! That means - POKER NIGHT!!

I can't wait to own my friends in poker! Their money always helps me support my fast food habit.

Well, I need to deocrate my office. Up until now, I've not been allowed to put up pictures or anything like that in my old office...but now - THIS ONE IS MINE! I can hang up decorations and put up whatever I want! Bad thing is - I'm not sure what to do with it. Of course, I'll have pics of my kids there. But what else should I have?

How about giving me some suggestions? I'll post images of my office once I'm finished with it. We could make it a Photoshop game!

lol

Until I feel the need to type again: LATER!

3/26/2007

2008-06-01T20:31:00.000-04:00

Yo people.

'Sup?

Well, I just ended one of the longest phone calls EVER! I clocked in at over an hour with Direct TV. Actually, that's just today's call. I've been on the phone at least TWICE with them everyday since last Thursday. I've called so often that they are recognizing my voice. I've called so often that I can sing along with their Muzak that plays while you're on hold. I knew that they added a new song to the rotation today.

Sad. Grim. Pathetic.

Anyway, here's the condensed version of my Direct TV drama. First, as I've stated, we moved into a new house. Well, Direct TV has this "free feature" called Mover's Connection. Supposedly, you make ONE call, take your receivers with you to your new home, and they come and reinstall everything - no hassle!

>coughcoughBULLCRAPcoughcough<

Okay, first, they were supposed to come on Thursday. Well, they DID - but they went to our neighbors' house. Before I could get out there to tell the guy that he was supposed to be at our house, he got back in the van and drove off. I called the customer service, and they told me that the driver was already out of town and on his next job and that he'd come back tomorrow. Wow - he must be the fastest driver ever b/c I called like 5 minutes after he left.

Tools.

So, the next day, I'm at work, and the installers stop by. Julie was home, and let them in. A half hour later, the idiots left. They had drilled holes in our roof, and didn't seal them (where they put up the dish). Then, get this: they ran a 20 foot cable across the middle of the floor in our den. THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR! Not only that, but on the outside, they put all of the cables in our gutters.

I'm probably one of the least handyman people in the universe, and even *I* wouldn't have done that.

Sooooo, I call when I get home and complain. They say that they'll send someone out to fix the installation AND do the second box that the first crew stupidly forgot to do.

Fast forward to today - the second crew comes and installs the second box in our living room. They then inform us that they cannot fix the first crew's screwup b/c it wasn't on the work order. They said that I had to call in and schedule another appointment.

I did as instructed and spent over an hour on the phone! I was hung up on twice, transferred like 14 times, and have told this story so many times that I'm sure I'll wake up tonight saying "I JUST WANT THE CABLES FIXED!!!"

If it wasn't for the fact that I get like 800 channels for $50, I'd tell them to come back, pick up the receivers and cram 'em!!

Well, I mentioned that I went to Ohio last week. I had to go to training (again!) and this time, my friends Rob and Jeff went. I was allowed to have my own rental car, due to my illness, and Jeff and Rob pimped it up in the Alltel van.

We left around 1pm and stopped by Hooter's. We had the DUMBEST waitress ever! Of course, that's not saying much since we were at a restaurant known for boobs, but this chick was insane. She was wearing one of those 'rave girl' party wigs. She also grabbed Rob's phone and started playing with, all the while complaining that hers didn't work.

After waiting for like an hour and a half, we finally received our food.

So, thanks to Wig Woman, we weren't able to leave Charleston until 4 or so. It took forEVER to get to Twinsburg!!

On the way, I somehow got in front of Rob and Jeff (even though I pulled off behind them for snacks and a bathroom break). After I was about 40 minutes into Ohio, I received a call from them that said that they had gotten off of an exit in Ohio. When they went to get back on the Interstate, they went the wrong way and went back to West Virginia! I misunderstood them, and thought that they said they were like 30 minutes into the state.....but the hilarity remains! They went the wrong way and went back the same way they had just come!

STUPID!

Anyway, I ended up getting to the hotel about 45 minutes before they did. I rested and waited (starving to death!!!) for them. Finally, they arrived. I answered my phone to hear Jeff ask if my room was like a suite or something. I smirked b/c I thought that he was complaining about his room. I thought that they had put him in a dumpy room. I gloated about my microwave and fridge. He then informed me that he had a double-room with TWO tvs, an entertainment center and a stereo system!

Before he could hang up, I was in his room cursing him! How dare he get the best room! Rob came over a few minutes later and joined me in the hate! We were scred over, and Jeff got a good room - and HE was the one who was whining about the hotel in the first place!

Grrrrrrrrr.....

So, after I calmed from my rage, I decided that I was still hungry (I'm back on my medication). I tried to get them to go eat, but they wouldn't stop playing this retarded cellphone game called "Stranded".

Apparently, someone in Jeff's family created the game. He proclaimed its coolness to everyone around him. He even called reps back at the stores in WV and talked them into downloading it. I played it for about 3 minutes before I threw it down in disgust.

Rob and Jeff wouldn't stop! I begged! I cried! I juggled flaming torches! They never even looked up! They just kept moving their little pixel man around the island, killing chickens and gathering driftwood!

Grrrrrrrrrrr.....

Well, to make a long story short, I finally managed to get them to put the phones down. We went to this skanky steakhouse, ordered food that was apparently exposed to growth hormone (the portions were friggin' HUGE), drew on the tablecloth with crayons (no, Im NOT joking), and then went back and played poker for a few hours

After nearly falling asleep in training, we made the long journey back home (and Jeff and Rob actually went the right way)!

We got home LATE...and I had to wake up the next morning to sign on our house.

We did that and then moved in that afternoon.

Now we are here. I'm loving the house, and am having a blast with the kids. There's a lot of room for them to play, and a lot of room for me to just chill.

Life is good, regardless of my circumstances, and I'm loving it.

Also - 32 sucks, but at least I'm not 33 (yet).

Peace out, skanks!

3/24/2007

2008-06-01T20:30:00.000-04:00

Well, its official.

I'll be 32 years old tomorrow.

THIRTY-FREAKIN'-TWO!

Where has my life gone? Man, a lot of thought that I posted last year are still there. I feel like I've done nothing with my life. Of course, I'm married and have two awesome kids....but I so didn't become an astronaut, or an actor, or a rock star.

Oh well - it could be worse. I could've been born as Michael Jackson or Britney Spears.

So, before I go through the stuff I promised to tell you about yesterday, I thought I'd ramble off a list of 10 Things I've Learned in 32 Years:

10. Red Bull (and other energy drinks) taste like cat piss. There is nothing "energy-giving" nor enjoyable about these drinks. I don't care what anyone says - they do NOT taste pleasant. In one of my first blogs, I went on and on about how disgusting Red Bull was. It didn't give me a boost of energy. It gave me a boost of "throw up" in my mouth.

9. Fame and fortune are not earned on mere talent. It is gained according to how much of a slut/loser you are. Britney Spears? One of the most successful "music artists" of our time. The skank can't play an instrument, all of her songs sound exactly the same (they just speed them up or slow them down), and her "dancing" looks like something you'd see a panda wearing a tiny hat doing at a show in a zoo. Does society care? NO! They flock out to the stores, buy her crap, give her a billion dollars, and then laugh at her when she flips out and shaves her head.

Eminem? You call that rap? The guy sounds like he's pinching his nose shut while he "drops his mad lyrics yo", and basically his words are Weird Al-caliber. He makes fun of other pop stars, and his ex-wife. Classy! Also - since there are no single words that seem to fit in just right with "Jam from Smuckers", he feels the needs to throw in f-bombs throughout his tracks. That SCREAMS talent. I mean, basically he's this huge white nerd, who happened to (somehow) impress Dr. Dre and Snoop, and BAM - a billion dollars.

People with REAL talent usually get tossed aside because of moronic teeny-boppers. Oh well, such is life.

8. Modern cereals taste like crap. What happened to the AWESOME taste of cereals? I eat cereal throughout the day. Most people would grab an apple, or a bag of chips as a snack. Me? I grab a bowl of Cap'n Crunch or Count Chocula. FOr some reason, the companies have changed their 'formula' for cereals, and now they either taste like someone took a vial of chemicals, mixed it with a handful of marshmallows and slapped COUNT CHOCULA on the box.....or they are trying to be healthy, and have removed all taste. Seriously - have you tasted the new Honeycomb? What the crap?! Why eat something that tastes like styrofoam packing chips? I mean, the packing chips would be cheaper, and they also do not have annoying commercials.

7. 99.9% of the time, people will screw you over. It never fails. If I were to sit down and make a list of all of the people that I've met, and known throughout my entire life, I would almost guarantee that almost all of them have either screwed me or my family over at one point or another. Being raised in church, and since both of my parents are ministers, it's hard to believe that people can seem so nice, only to stab you in the back later on. You have no idea how many times I've heard "friends for life", only to have that person leave and start trash, or try to destroy someone close to me. Now you know why I've met THOUSANDS of people in my life, and I have no 'run around' friends. I do not trust anyone. I rarely open up to anyone, and if I do, consider yourself watched. I can honestly say that aside from my wife and my family, I have no relationships with anyone. Sad, but true.

6. God knew what he was doing when He made me skinny. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, or watching my mannerisms, but there are times when I just want to beat the living crap out of people (see above). I've also whined many times throughout my life about being tall and lanky. God knew what He was doing because if I had any muscle at all, I'd be in fights constantly. I weigh 175 soaking wet, and I still run my mouth at times. I dunno - Im just glad that Im not a huge guy, because I would probably be in jail by now if that were the case.

5. Im happy with myself. Im one of the few people whom I've come across, who just don't care what anyone thinks. Don't like my attitude? Who cares? Don't like the fact that I'm not running around with people 24/7? Forget you! I'm my own person, I like myself, and that makes me a minority. Most people do not like themselves. Most people wish that they looked like other people and whatnot. I'm not conceited by any means, but I'm happy with myself. WHen I get down, or whatever, I always think that there is someone out there who is worse off than I am.

4. Steak is the best food. Period. NOTHING tastes better than a well done steak, especially when purchased from The Outback or Texas Steakhouse.

3. Women are moody! I watched a National Geographic program one time on the Canadian wolverine. The show was very interesting, and I was enjoying learning all the fact-filled jargon, until the narrator turned into a big, fat liar. He said that the Canadian wolverine is one of the moodiest creatures, and can go from being 'tame' to ravenously viscious instantly. I turned the channel off in disgust and deleted the program from my mind. The truth is, Narrator, that the moodiest creature is a WOMAN! Never before have I seen someone go from super happy, to "slit-your-throat" mode in less than 3 seconds. I'm not naming any names, but you know who you are out there! Also - when can I sleep in my bed again? The couch isn't comfortable. lol

2. (My) Kids are the best thing ever!! I love my kids. They are my tiny clones, and I love them. I get the responsibility of molding these two, tiny citizens into whatever it is I choose. I get to watch their personalities emerge and laugh and laugh and laugh at their antics. I get to set the guidelines by which they will live their ENTIRE life! I'm responsible for them! I give them memories that they will have of me when I'm gone. I don't know how you feel about your kids (if you have any), but mine are the best. They are the cutest, smartest, funniest and best all around kids anywhere, and I thank God and my wife for them.

1. 32 isn't that old. Some people say that the average person lives to be 70-80. Some people believe that a "convenant" life is around 120. So either I'm about halfway through my life, or not even a third of the way through. Either way, I'm happy with myself. I don't trust people. My kids are awesome. And Count Chocula now tastes like crap.

I'll report back tomorrow with the actual blog that I promised last night. I'll also report how many people (IRL) actually remembered my birthday! I've not mentioned it at all (purposely) to see if anyone remembers. Its not like I'm getting any gifts or anything, but it would be nice for my family members and friends to remember. ALso - sending me a comment or blog post that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY will not count in my tally that I'll report on tomorrow since I'm telling you now that it is my birthday.

My money is on NO ONE wishing me happy birthday.

Oh well - if thats the case, then no one will catch me when I lie and say I'm still 31.

HA!

Later y'all!

2/27/2007

2008-06-01T20:29:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I wrote a long blog, so I think I'll do one tonight. There's nothing else to do while I'm TRAPPED in Ohio, so here goes:

Ok, first thing this morning, I almost kill myself in order to get to my training class. I'm doing a sprint through the Alltel building, trying to get to Conference Room A. As I do a baseball slide into the room at exactly 7:59am....something hits me. First off, I forgot to wear pants. And second, no one is there. Even the trainer is absent. Lo and behold, the class didn't start until 8:30. I must've missed that memo, since it was NEVER sent out!

>: |

That's 30 minutes of sleep that I missed out on! Thanks a lot, Alltel!

Ok, rewind back to the hotel. After getting dressed, I get in the elevator to go to the lobby, when this old man gets in with me.

"How are you today?" he asked.

"I'm fine. You?" I kindly replied.

"I'm well also. It's early though." he laughed.

Thinking that was the end of the conversation, I smiled and proceeded to ignore him, looking away so as not to confuse him that I actually cared about anything that he was going to say.

The silence is broken a few seconds later when he adds "Well, at least you didn't have to spend a lot of time on your hair this morning." and laughed.

I just turned and looked at him. Surely my fake smile didn't hide the "DIE!!!" that was beaming from my eyes.

Memo to people getting into an elevator with random strangers. PLEASE do not try to be funny. It will fail, and you will either offend the stranger, or you will be on the news that night because you were murdered by said stranger.

So anyway, as I get in my rental car (A 2007 Vibe hatchback! What the?!) I suddenly realize that it has been snowing all night, and there's 2 1/2 inches of snow everywhere!

I start panicking, thinking that I'm going to get stranded in Ohio. Would anything suck more for me? I swear, I could get some type of odd green, smelly growth protruding from my head, and it would STILL be better than living in Ohio (no offense, Jeff. Well.....maybe a little.)

The training was SO boring. Let me define "training" as it pertains to Alltel. First, you either travel a bajillion miles away, or have to watch some lame video on the plasma in the stores. They basically give you a booklet, or a Powerpoint printout....and then they read it to you.

Want to experience Alltel training? Go to your local library and see when they have storytime for the kids. Attend and be aware that you're basically ready to work at Alltel.

So anyway, after a long, and yawn-inspiring class, I came back to my room, rewatched last night's episode of Heroes online, and then ordered room service from Ruby Tuesday's.

Oh, let me tell you about that.......Ruby Tuesday's is basically like an over-decorated greasy spoon - only it's not as good. I ordered the Chicken Parmesean w/ garlic toast dinner. What I received was an overcooked, breaded chicken breast that tasted like the chef THREW UP on, and then slapped on some 14-day old noodles that smelled like butt and feet.

Even the garlic toast was bad. I mean, how the crap do you mess up garlic toast? You put garlic butter on bread, and then toast it. Even a barn owl could make garlic toast. Apparently, the retard at Ruby Tuesday's could not. I swear, when I eat tomorrow, I will NOT eat there! I'd just as soon get on my hands and knees in the parking lot, lower my head to the ground, stick out my tongue and place it on the concrete....and then proceed to crawl around the parking lot, licking up the filth.

BLEARGH!!!!

Well, hmmm........I can't think of anything else, so I guess this blog isn't gonna be as long as I thought.

American Idol is coming on, so I'll watch that and report back, if I feel like it.

Also - if for some reason, I end up dead from food poisoning, please print out this blog and mail it to my wife. It can be used as evidence to win the lawsuit against the entire state of OHIO!!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

2/26/2007

2008-06-01T20:29:00.001-04:00

Evenin'!

Well, I am in enemy territory. Thanks to my job, I had to come to Twinsburg Ohio for training. Imagine the drive here! It took a little over 3 hours, and 80% of it was being stuck behind retarded Ohio drivers!!!!

Then, in what I've called God's joke on Ricky - I had to PAY A TOLL to get onto the road that my hotel is on!!! Sure it was only 50 cents, but its the principle!!! I had to PAY to drive BEHIND a bunch of idiots who think that "safety" means slamming on your brakes, and going 10 miles UNDER the speed limit?!

Well, at any rate, I'm trapped here for the next 2 days. One would think that with 10 people in my house, I'd be looking for a way to get out of there...but I already miss my wife and kids, and I've only been gone since 2pm. What a wuss! I would NEVER make it on Survivor! Hmph!

In other news, WE GOT A HOUSE!!! I love it! It's in Saint Albans, and its pretty big. I'd say that it is larger than our old house, and it has a LOT of open space. I love that in a house! It has a very cool kitchen (we're adding a nook eventually) with an eat-in table.....then there's a dining room with another table (???), then there's a nice living room, a very cool sun-room type deal, only it's an actual room on the front of the house, and then there's the den, which I'm calling The Poker Room. It has hardwood floors and a nice stone fireplace. There are also surround sound speakers in there, and I'm having my friends over to play poker as soon as we're moved in (all 3 of them!)

What's really cool is that the seller has gone from asking $96,000 to $77,900, plus she's leaving 90% of her furniture. Cool deal huh? I can't wait to move in there! Julie is very excited as well, and has already started buying decorations for it. OH! It also has this cool room downstairs that we'll use as Jacob and Kristen's playroom. I also spotted a HUGE home gym (like the kind they have in high school gyms), and I'm hoping that she leaves that there as well. I'll start lifting and get all big and be like "Who YOU looking at?!"

Meh - who am I kidding. There isn't a TV or computer near the thing, so it will never be touched.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I'm working on something called "In Case You're Reading", which I'll start using in my next blog. I think you'll like it.

Until then - GET ME OUTTA OHIO!!!!

*cries*

PS - watch Heroes tonight! Claire's stepdad's past is revealed! >SHOCKING<

2/18/2007

2008-06-01T20:28:00.001-04:00

BWAHAHAHA!!

Ok, first off, I cannot STAND Britney Spears.

So, imagine my delight when I woke up this morning and learned that she went crazy last night, got "lip" tattoos all over her arm, and then shaved her head.

Sooooo, to honor this "Mother of the Year", I now present the Britney Spears Wig Parade. Enjoy.

Most of these are by me. If not, there will be a * after it.

>: )

First off, the original:

.....and now, the "wigs":

:: wipes tear from eye ::

Oh, thanks, Britney! After 8 years (TOO LONG!!) of annoying my life, you've finally given me a reason to (slightly) like you.

Now please check yourself into rehab.

1/28/2007

2008-06-01T20:27:00.000-04:00

Wow!

Its already been an entire year since America stupidly forgot to vote for Chris and ended up allowing Taylor Hicks to win. Ironically, Chris has outsold Taylor, and Katherine McPhee, but that's not important now....

.....for season 6 is upon us! And with season 6, comes more auditions! Usually, the auditions are the only part of the show that anyone actually watches. It's fun to watch people make complete fools of themselves, get trashed by the judges, and then make themselves look even MORE stupid by going on and on about how they WILL make it, and we will see their face again! Anyone remember this chick from last year:

At least she didn't lie during her 5 minute cursing tirade......we DID see her face again. So classy!

At any rate, here's my thoughts on the auditions thus far:

First, we have Sundance. Yes, that's his real name. When I first heard that the next contestant was named Sundance, I thought "Oh cool! They found a singing horse, or a race hound"...imagine my feeling of letdown when this guy showed up:

He could sing really well, even though he looks like the fat guy at your local Blockbuster that goes on and on about how good 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy was. His father actually had a hit song back in the 60's. He seems to have received the singing ability, because he's one of the best singers on the show so far. It's kinda creepy how he kept smacking his lips as if he'd just downed an entire bucked of extra-cripsy from KFC, though.....

Next, we have the first of those who I have deemed, the Drama Queens. Ladies and gentlemen, I present ASHANTI!

Apparently, she was on the show before, but was denied a ticket to Hollywood. What should you do if you're dogged by the judges the year before? Why - go BACK, of course! So, she did, and once again, she was denied the trip to Hollywood....which caused her to go into an Oscar-caliber performance about how much she strived to lose weight, and how they had no idea how much this meant to her....blah blah blah.....

Seriously woman, get some dignity! Stop crying, and stop dramtically looking over your shoulder as you exit the room (and then walk into a locked door). They said NO! Stop begging!

She was a really good actress, even though Simon wouldn't hear anything of it, so in her honor, I want to present her with an Emmy. Hey, at least she can say that she got something for her performance. God knows she'll never have a recording contract!

Here, Ashanti! You deserve it!

Moving on, we have Beatbox Blake. Apparently, he wasn't aware that this was a singing competition, and he broke out into street-style beatboxing, complete with fake "DJ scratching":

Nothing says "I've got street cred" like a zip-up white sweater jacket. When the judges finally notified him that he was, in fact, NOT a black breakdancer from 1978....and he stopped beatboxing, he actually sang. He was pretty good, although any guy who makes eye contact with Paula while singing gets a "YES'.

Well, ALMOST any guy....

When this guy came on my screen, I thought I was watching an episode of X-Files. Imagine my surprise when Paula, even though apparently drunk as always, said that he didn't have the right look to be an American Idol. Poor guy! I'm sure his eyes would've bulged out even more (if possible) upon hearing this news. The judges could've at least been a bit nicer.

Nah! That's why I watch! I want to see these losers get ripped.

Anyway, after that freak, the crappiness continued! Get ready for the Tard Train:

Apparently, Fidel Castro survived his gastric surgeries, and came to New York to audition:

Next, we have this girl, who looks like what you would expect a midwestern Pastor's rebellious daughter to look like......you know, dressing like a retarded Punky Brewster, and then thinking that she was all "hardcore":

Try doing a GOOGLE image search on Welcome to the Dollhouse to see this girl's D-List twin.

Now normally, I wouldn't make fun of mentally challenged people.....but by going on American Idol, you automatically make that standard null and void. When this guy appeared, I almost died from laughter. His squealing and teeth along made the entire two hour train wreck worth it:

How could this guy's parents let him out? He could scare someone to death!

Bringing up the rear (no pun intended) was this guy:

Apparently it's a guy, but it acted like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in one uber-gay body. I've never seen someone be so "fabulous" before.....if you get my drift. And yes....that's a fake fur in his hand. He was wearing it as a scarf.

Then we witnessed the attack of the 50-foot woman! No lie, this girl is almost 7 feet tall! Of course, she was given a ticket to Hollywood! Would YOU tell her NO?

After an hour of freaks, we get someone who seemed normal. Normal, that is, until she basically whined and cried about how her dad didn't believe in her (coincidentally just before Simon and the others passed judgement), so of course, she too was given a ticket. God, I hope she doesnt make it. She cried for like 15 minutes, and would be SO annoying!

Loser.

Then we had two hot best friends!! They auditioned together, and then separate. They both made it to Hollywood, and I'm glad because at least we'll have some eye candy while they mediawhore that Sundance guy! He may win, but I think all of us guys win as long as at least one of these ladies are on the show:

So, as week two of the auditions wrapped up, the only two contestants who I feel deserve a mention (and not for their vocal skills) are:

Orgasmo Girl! She moaned and did hand gestures, and slithered around much as I would imagine Helen Keller would do if you were her boyfriend and she was trying to seduce you. Least sexy performance EVER!

She demanded that everyone call her Izzadora, even though her name is actually Julie. She said her name was stupid! I totally disagree with you, Izzadora! My wife is named Julie, and even though she hates to sing, SHE could outsing you! Go back to the WalMart that you oozed from and torture the people in the deli!

Last, but not least, we have the girl whom I have called "Play Doh Fun Factory Girl". Look at her! Doesn't it look as if someone removed her head, stuffed her body with pink Play Doh, then compressed her head back onto her body, causing the pink Play Doh to ooze from her shoulders....making giant pink blobs that represent her arms? Have you ever seen anyone with such a disproportionate body? I'm not even sure if that's a word, but if so, it totally describes her! FREAK! Also -

Apparently, the last 3 digits of their audition tag is their actual weight.

Only backwards.

Argh! So far, even the auditions have sucked! Im not into this season at all. Everyone sucked - and I didn't even talk about the super-nerd girl who had a look-a-like mom who stood beside her as she auditioned......OR the "Brenna" girl who went on and on about how she had 10 years of vocal training...only to belt out what sounded like a hyena breeding with a chimpanzee who was slowly releasing the air from an over-filled balloon by stretching the mouth hole slowly apart, causing a high-pitched squeal.

God - just NO!

NO MORE!!!!

Well, that's all I can handle for right now. Tune in next time as I trash more American Idol contestants!

...and just remember - when you're feeling down and suicidal, don't give in! Chin up! It could be worse! You could be THIS guy:

1/25/2006

2008-06-01T20:26:00.002-04:00

UPDATE:

Well, I've managed to get rid of one of our houseguests! Its like an episode of Big Brother, with less cheesy challenges that result in half of the house eating peanut butter sandwiches for a week!

Frosty the Tard-dog's owner finally showed up, and we got rid of the grouchy pup! Apparently, his real name is Jackson, and he belongs to this creepy old man who lives down the road. It's actually a good thing that he left, because Joey and Pablo were plotting his doom!

That's ONE.....now there's just eleven more to go before *I* am the ultimate Survivor!!! I'll keep you updated on my progress!

In other news, do you know who the coolest basketball player in the world is? No, not Michael Jordan! It's Kristen Cline! My daughter is, once again, in Upwards Basketball at a local church. Out of her age group, she is the shortest, and the smallest. They have her guarding girls from the other team who are literally like a foot taller than her.

She was pretty bummed out for her first game. She couldn't get the ball, and everyone was so much taller! She spent a lot of time practicing dribbling and running in the garage this past week - and it paid off!

She was on FIRE at the last game! She would get the ball and was SO fast that the other team couldn't catch her! She made 2 baskets and a foul shot. The other team's "star" player was even heard whining "SOMEONE GET HER!!" in the middle of the game b/c she kept stealing the ball and would fly down the court. It was so funny. I kept repeating that to her all night. SOMEONE GET HER!!

Im glad that she did well, b/c she was so bummed earlier. Now, she's excited and happy that she won the Best Sportsmanship award for the game.

KRISTENOWNAGE!!!

Finally, HEROES has returned! My God, this show makes me happy! I love watching it! It just won for best new TV drama show, and it deserves it! Kristen and I watch it each week and then have short discussions on what we think future plotlines will hold for us. I almost hyperventilated during the 4 week hiatus....but now that it is back, all is well with the world. Man, Im screwed when it goes off for the summer! You guys will have to keep a suicide watch on me! Hopefully, the season one DVDs will come out, and I wont have to wait that long.

Oh well.....Ive rambled enough. I had today off from work (which has been ultra stressful and annoying lately), so Im just chilling and enjoying the peace and quiet. Im thinking that I'm gonna take a vacation at the end of February, or early March. I'm VERY ready for one.

>sigh<

....if only I had Hiro's powers, then I could fast forward time and be done with it.

WAFFLES!!!

(Oh, and everyone should watch Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends too! That's the show that I watch with Jacob everyday @ 7!)

1/21/2007

2008-06-01T20:26:00.001-04:00

Alrighty then....

As you all know, my wife and I have been living with my parents for about 3 months since we sold our house. We've been fine, and my kids have had a blast having fun with their MawMaw.

Fast forward 3 months........my sister and her husband decide to split, so she moves in with her 3 kids. Now there are 10 people living in this house. Its still quite spacious, but the noise can be killer sometimes.

Anyway, my FAVORITE dog, Joey (GRRR!) is with us, and my mother's dog, Pablo (a French poodle named Pablo?!) fight, run and bark NON-STOP! It's as if Ive moved into a kennel, only there are also kids and adults there who all have to fight over 2 bathrooms. I have been thinking about making a schedule and posting it in the hallway. If you don't sign up for a shift in the bathroom, you don't get to use it!!!

So, flash forward AGAIN to today. It snowed, so we didnt go to church. I was up late last night, so I slept in. I get up, and go to get something to eat, when suddenly the doorbell rings. Julie answers it, and I hear some guy talking to her about having dogs. I assume that it's some crazed lunatic, so I grab my pasta and go back to my room (which is where I stay now that there are TEN people living here!!!). A few moments later, I hear barking. It's not Joey's usual retarded barking, or Pablo barking at Joey because he's barking. It was unfamiliar!!

I walk down the hallway to see THIS:

Yes, thats right! Some old man claiming that he found this dog walking down the road (even though it wasn't wet OR dirty from the mud & snow), and was looking for a good place to leave it until he could find where it was from.

"Surely they'll say no!" I thought.

Foolish!

Before I knew what had happened, my sister and Julie grabbed the dog, brought it in the house, and quickly named it Frosty.

"........"

Now there are 10 humans and 3 dogs living here.

Expect to see us on the local news (or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition) soon!

It's funny that there are so many people are here, but we can all still live comfortably. Mainly, I stay in my room, watching TV or playing PoGo.com. I like to keep the door closed to block out the noise of the kids playing and fighting, and the dogs barking and running back and forth through the hallway, chasing rawhide bones and tennis balls.

.......urge to kill RISING.....

12/12/2006

2008-06-01T20:25:00.002-04:00

I've been in a mood lately to watch movies. Mostly scary, but any decent movie will do. I've watched a few, and would like to share my thoughts about them. If you do not wish to be spoiled on what happens then do not read this blog.

You have been warned!

Alrighty, first:

Saw 2 and 3. A friend let me borrow his copy of Saw 2, and his "got this from a friend" copy of Saw 3 (which I learned was actually filmed in a theater. I came across this information when the shadow of someone's head went walking across the movie). Anyway, Saw 2 was pretty good. The story basically picks up where part one left off. It was very gory, yet the story kept me watching.

Basically, these people are trapped in Jigsaw's House O' Death, and they have a certain amount of time to escape before poisonous gasses kill them. So basically, picture yourself at a Taco Bell with 5 of your friends right after Brent eats a bunch of bean burritos, and you'll get the gist.

One by one, they are "tested" by Jigsaw to see if they can solve puzzles, or get through various obstacle courses that kill you if you fail. When it comes down to it, one of the New Kids on the Block, who plays the cop, ends up being trapped in the house after he goes there to save the others. Jigsaw gets away, and his new helper - Amanda - decides that she wants to learn everything from Jigsaw so that she can continue his work once he's gone. Aw!! SOOOO cute!

Which leads to Saw 3. To me, this one was pretty boring. Not much of interest going on in this one, aside from this annoying female cop having her ribcage pulled apart a'la a Thanksgiving turkey. Other than that......oh wait....there's the part where this necklace-bomb thingy blows up on this nurse's head. You dont actually see it, but you see her wearing the death-necklace, then the image goes to her husband.....you hear a BOOM...and then it shows a mass of red pudding where her head once was.

Oh, and Jigsaw and Amanda both die......so I do not see how there could possibly be a Saw 4, although there will be because it ends right in the middle of a "new puzzle".

>sigh<

So, in my opinion, Saw 2 > Saw 3.

Next was World Trade Center. This movie was very sad. It brought back a lot of memories of that horrible day. Usually I hate Nicholas Cage because he makes this retarded face when he's trying to be dramatic......but he was believable in this movie. I actually felt sorry for him, and wanted him to be rescued from the rubble - even though I still haven't forgiven him for that lame Face-Off movie (I mean seriously....if they DID manage to give you a face transplant, that doesn't mean that your voice will change to the former owner's face! God that movie was so freakin' stupid!)

Anyway, Nicholas Cage and this Latin guy are both saved from the rubble, and then they do a vigil type scene to remember everyone.

What's really interesting about this movie is that you never once see the planes hit the towers. You see the shadow of one place pass by a building, but thats it. I thought they got the idea across so that future generations could watch it and understand how everyone felt that day.

Next was The Grudge 2. In this one, Sarah Michelle Gellar has been put in a crazy ward for trying to burn down the Japanese house in the first movie. Personally, I think that the Japanese were just racist, and liked tying her down. Anyway, the girl who played Joan in CBS' Joan of Arcadia plays her sister. Her dying mother tells Joan of Arcadia to go and bring Sarah Michelle Gellar home from Japan. Joan of Arcadia goes...but sadly, Sarah Michelle Gellar ends up falling from the rooftop of the hospital and dies (conveniently, a mere 3 feet from Joan of Arcadia as she's leaving the hospital). So what does Joan of Arcadia do? Mourn for her sister? NO! She meets a Japanese journalist and starts liking him (which is EXACTLY what you should do if you ever have to travel to Japan to help your sister, and then you see her turn into a sidewalk pancake in front of your eyes).

Im not exaggerating. It was like 3 minutes later, and Joan of Arcadia and this Japanese guy start walking around together to "solve the mystery of the haunted house".

To make a long, jumbled story short, Joan of Arcadia meets several new people, and then three scenes later - they're dead. The Japanese guy? Dies 30 minutes after meeting Joan of Arcadiaby drowning in a PHOTO DEVLOPING TRAY!!!!

There's also an "interesting" side story in which 3 girls from a Japanese high school go into the house and lock one of the girls in this cabinet, where she sees the ghostly, burping Japanese lady.

As the story rolls along, the girl who was locked in the cabinet goes back to the US, and the Japanese ghost lady and her freaky dead kid follow her there and start infecting her apartment building with evil. All of the ladies start killing each other, or dying in their bathtubs. Seriously - if you're a girl or a male Japanese journalist in this movie, you are dead.

Joan of Arcadia even dies at the end of the movie, and becomes the new "ghost" in the house.

I'm sure there will be a Grudge 3, but I'm holding a grudge against myself for making myself sit through that movie!!! Great! Now that Japanese ghost lady will be burping for 5 minutes straight and crawling at me to avenge herself at me for holding a grudge! Thanks alot, Joan of Arcadia!!!!

>: |

Im now about to watch Pulse, in which a group of young adults battle fo their lives against (what I can only decipher to be) - get this, are you sitting down? ENERGY!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, apparently, ENERGY kills people in this movie!

I'm sure I'll have LOTS to say about this unintentional comedy at a later time.

Until then.....

You've been OWNED!

12/9/2006

2008-06-01T20:25:00.001-04:00

Greetings! Sorry for not color-coding this blog for your
pleasure, but sometimes, I've just gotta think about ME, and I don't feel like
color coding anything right now, okay?!

As you might have noticed, I am so over the MySpace fad. I'm
rarely even online anymore. I just come here to see if someone has sent a
message (which is usually a "no"), and then I immediately sign off.
MySpace is SO boring! There's nothing to do, and most of the people that
I know here are rarely online themselves. DEATH TO MYSPACE!!!
Actually, I'm jealous that no one has tried to pick me up here! Why is it
that prepubescant teens can get a date here like nobody's business, but a
guy like me can't even get hit on?! Whatever, MySpace! I know when
I'm unloved!

So, anyway, my life has been pretty boring lately. We're still at
my parents' house, and saving up some money. We're having a good time
here, and the kids are loving it. Right now, they are both psyched
about Christmas. Jacob still believes in Santa, so Kristen plays along.
You should've seen Jacob's face yesterday when he received a letter in
the mail from "Santa". It was so cute. Of course, the company that
sent the letter printed some ridiculous poem that didn't even make sense,
so I had to flub up some of the words to make it sound exciting for
him....but by the end, he was really excited. Julie and I have purchased
EVERY SINGLE item from the Disney Cars collection for him - all the
playsets - all of the car figures.....well, actually, we still need 2 or
3.....but considering he has over 20 figures and all the playsets, Im
thinking that he'll have a blast on Christmas Day.

Kristen has started basketball pratice again, and will soon be MVP
once again! I should actually be able to go to her games this year
since I wont have to work on Saturdays!

Well, nothing else to really talk about. I've been working like
crazy, and then relaxing when I come home. I haven't even been going
anywhere.....just home, resting and trying to sneak off for a nap.

OH! One thing of importance: you MUST watch Heroes on NBC. That
is the BEST show ever! The premise sounds really stupid, but trust me,
its very cool. Its like a cross between the Matrix and X-Men. They
have abilities, but its more realistic and action oriented (like the
Matrix). They dont wear cheesy costumes or anything......its just the
story of normal people who discover that they have abilities.....and that
they may need the abilities to help people. It's VERY good! If you
don't watch it, I'm tracking you down and pouring blue paint all over your
head! If it tells you anything, I like Heroes more than Survivor!

O_o

Well, peace out for now. Like I said, my life is boring so it
only merits 3 1/2 paragraphs.

LATER!